The slow news days have begun and due to MLB rules there is only a playoff game once every six days. What do we do? Inspired by our favorite site The Dugout, we've decided to follow our favorite JSOnline writer Anthony Witrado on a quest. A quest to find love, adulation and respect in a cruel world that doesn't understand him or particularly like him. Will he find what he's been seeking? Or will he fail at it, like he's failed at life so many times before? Find out in Witrado's Quest: A Miller Park Drunk Event.
In part one Anthony learned that his fellow writers at the Journal Sentinel were not fans of his. Convinced that they are the only ones, Anthony set off to find someone who is.EXT - MILLER PARK, MILWAUKEE, WI
Anthony Witrado pulls up to the park in his 89 Camry. The car stops, but the rims keep spinning. Knowing that many have gone home for the year he enters the empty park in search of anyone related with the team to "chillax" with.
|ADub: damn this place is dead, there aint gonna be nobody here|
|Anthony looks out onto the field and sees a single player working out. He walks down to the field and discovers that the player is JJ Hardy!|
|ADub: yo jj what it be homie? what you doin here?|
|JJHardy: Trying to make up lost service time.|
|JJHardy: Well in August my poor play got me demoted, which was totally sweet, but then I realized that it messed with my service time and my free agency was delayed another year. I figured if I came here and just played by myself I could make some up.|
|ADub: will that work?|
|JJHardy: My agent says no, but I sent an email to Bud Selig so we'll see. Are you here to do a story about me?|
|ADub: no, u kno those two fags i work with at the paper?|
|JJHardy: Tom and Mike? Yeah, we call them the smart ones.|
|ADub: i kno rite, couple of book nerds. i bet they play computer games and shit.|
|JJHardy: No, I mean like "Who did you do the post game interview with?" "One of the smart ones."|
|ADub: so i'm like the cool one then?|
|ADub: whats so funny?|
|JJHardy: Sorry, it's just... (laughs) it's just... I called you the "Latino Wigger one", Prince called you the "functional retard one", Craig Counsell called you "dumber than Woody on Cheers" which I think is a TV show or something. Everyone had a little nickname for you.|
|ADub: thats fucked up dog.|
|JJHardy: Hey Jody Gerut said you thought you could play with us. Want to hit me some grounders?|
|ADub: no i got shit to do. i gotta find someone who appreciates my shit to show those fags at work who da man is.|
|JJHardy: Have you tried the Culver's on Miller Park Way? The people who work there are still surprised there's more than one color.|
|ADub: whatever bro
/flashes the W with his fingers
|Anthony walks up the stairs and onto the concourse. He comes across a man with a white kitchen garbage bag pumping the ketchup, mustard and stadium sauce into it.|
|KenMacha: Stay away from my Stadium Kustard!
|ADub: yo kent it's me, anthony witrado from the jizzle sizzle. u stealin that shit?|
|KenMacha: Oh, sorry about that. Why would I steal all these delicious sauces? I get them for free with my job that is in no way in jeopardy. I just like to have a lot of it on hand. I'm not stocking up because I'm worried about job security or anything. Hey, is this for a story? Hang on a second.|
|ADub: no i just...|
|KenMacha: /pulls out crumpled piece of paper
"I'm honored to be back as manager for the Brewers 2010 season and see great things in this team's future."
|ADub: kent i aint hear to do no story. i wanted to ask u what u liked about my writing style?|
|KenMacha: I like the way your editor is able to decipher your crayon writing. I like the way your writing makes people think "man, anyone could do this." I like the way you are negative about everything, even our wins. Which is to say I hate your writing.|
|ADub: wtf-ever, man. u don't kno shit. i'm goin upstairs to see the big man. he knos whats up. he likes my trade ideas.|
|Anthony Witrado walks to the elevator and pushes the button labeled "GM". He steps off the elevator and immediately sees....
|DougMelvin: Oh, ah. Hey... hey there Anthony, what.. what are you doing here? I was just doing some cleaning and my, uh, sweat pants are dirty. Eh.|
|ADub: i just wanted to ask you something.|
|DougMelvin: Look, if it's about re-signing Lopez for the 500th time, trading Braun, trading Prince, releasing Suppan or moving Weeks to center I don't want to hear it eh!|
|ADub: nah, nah nothin like that. its the offseason work is for suckers na mean lol. no i just wanted to ask what some of ur fav articles i wrote were.|
|DougMelvin: Your articles are worse than the Canadiens goaltending after Patrick Roy left, eh. I would give up Molson for the rest of my life if I never had to read another one. I would rather wear one of Braun's shirts than read you. I would rather have sex with my wife than..|
|ADub: alrite a-hole i get it. u dont like to read good shit just like every1 else in wiscansin. i shoulda known better wit u hicks. you kno what ima do?|
|DougMelvin: I assure you I don't care.|
|ADub: i'm goin back to cali, cali, cali. i'm goin back to cali. i don't think so.|
|DougMelvin: So you are or you aren't? That song never made much sense to me.
|/makes W with fingers, throws it up|
|Anthony Witrado has left Miller Park.|
|MarkA: MAID! WHY IS THIS OFFICE SO DIRTY!?|
Had enough? We haven't. Find out what happens on Witrado's trip to LA in the next installment of Witrado's Quest!