Witrado’s Quest Part 2

The slow news days have begun and due to MLB rules there is only a playoff game once every six days. What do we do? Inspired by our favorite site The Dugout, we've decided to follow our favorite JSOnline writer Anthony Witrado on a quest. A quest to find love, adulation and respect in a cruel world that doesn't understand him or particularly like him. Will he find what he's been seeking? Or will he fail at it, like he's failed at life so many times before? Find out in Witrado's Quest: A Miller Park Drunk Event.

In part one Anthony learned that his fellow writers at the Journal Sentinel were not fans of his. Convinced that they are the only ones, Anthony set off to find someone who is.EXT - MILLER PARK, MILWAUKEE, WI

Anthony Witrado pulls up to the park in his 89 Camry. The car stops, but the rims keep spinning. Knowing that many have gone home for the year he enters the empty park in search of anyone related with the team to "chillax" with.

adub ADub: damn this place is dead, there aint gonna be nobody here
Anthony looks out onto the field and sees a single player working out. He walks down to the field and discovers that the player is JJ Hardy!
adub ADub: yo jj what it be homie? what you doin here?
jj hardy JJHardy: Trying to make up lost service time.
adub ADub: what?
jj hardy JJHardy: Well in August my poor play got me demoted, which was totally sweet, but then I realized that it messed with my service time and my free agency was delayed another year. I figured if I came here and just played by myself I could make some up.
adub ADub: will that work?
jj hardy JJHardy: My agent says no, but I sent an email to Bud Selig so we'll see. Are you here to do a story about me?
adub ADub: no, u kno those two fags i work with at the paper?
jj hardy JJHardy: Tom and Mike? Yeah, we call them the smart ones.
adub ADub: i kno rite, couple of book nerds. i bet they play computer games and shit.
jj hardy JJHardy: No, I mean like "Who did you do the post game interview with?" "One of the smart ones."
adub ADub: so i'm like the cool one then?
jj hardy JJHardy: rofl
adub ADub: whats so funny?
jj hardy (still laughing)
jj hardy (still laughing)
jj hardy JJHardy: Sorry, it's just... (laughs) it's just... I called you the "Latino Wigger one", Prince called you the "functional retard one", Craig Counsell called you "dumber than Woody on Cheers" which I think is a TV show or something. Everyone had a little nickname for you.
adub ADub: thats fucked up dog.
jj hardy JJHardy: Hey Jody Gerut said you thought you could play with us. Want to hit me some grounders?
adub ADub: no i got shit to do. i gotta find someone who appreciates my shit to show those fags at work who da man is.
jj hardy JJHardy: Have you tried the Culver's on Miller Park Way? The people who work there are still surprised there's more than one color.
adub ADub: whatever bro

/flashes the W with his fingers

Anthony walks up the stairs and onto the concourse. He comes across a man with a white kitchen garbage bag pumping the ketchup, mustard and stadium sauce into it.
machahead KenMacha: Stay away from my Stadium Kustard!

/hiss

adub ADub: yo kent it's me, anthony witrado from the jizzle sizzle. u stealin that shit?
machahead KenMacha: Oh, sorry about that. Why would I steal all these delicious sauces? I get them for free with my job that is in no way in jeopardy. I just like to have a lot of it on hand. I'm not stocking up because I'm worried about job security or anything. Hey, is this for a story? Hang on a second.
adub ADub: no i just...
machahead KenMacha: /pulls out crumpled piece of paper

"I'm honored to be back as manager for the Brewers 2010 season and see great things in this team's future."

adub ADub: kent i aint hear to do no story. i wanted to ask u what u liked about my writing style?
machahead KenMacha: I like the way your editor is able to decipher your crayon writing. I like the way your writing makes people think "man, anyone could do this." I like the way you are negative about everything, even our wins. Which is to say I hate your writing.
adub ADub: wtf-ever, man. u don't kno shit. i'm goin upstairs to see the big man. he knos whats up. he likes my trade ideas.
Anthony Witrado walks to the elevator and pushes the button labeled "GM". He steps off the elevator and immediately sees....

doug melvin

doug melvin DougMelvin: Oh, ah. Hey... hey there Anthony, what.. what are you doing here? I was just doing some cleaning and my, uh, sweat pants are dirty. Eh.
adub ADub: i just wanted to ask you something.
doug melvin DougMelvin: Look, if it's about re-signing Lopez for the 500th time, trading Braun, trading Prince, releasing Suppan or moving Weeks to center I don't want to hear it eh!
adub ADub: nah, nah nothin like that. its the offseason work is for suckers na mean lol. no i just wanted to ask what some of ur fav articles i wrote were.
doug melvin DougMelvin: Your articles are worse than the Canadiens goaltending after Patrick Roy left, eh. I would give up Molson for the rest of my life if I never had to read another one. I would rather wear one of Braun's shirts than read you. I would rather have sex with my wife than..
adub ADub: alrite a-hole i get it. u dont like to read good shit just like every1 else in wiscansin. i shoulda known better wit u hicks. you kno what ima do?
doug melvin DougMelvin: I assure you I don't care.
adub ADub: i'm goin back to cali, cali, cali. i'm goin back to cali. i don't think so.
doug melvin DougMelvin: So you are or you aren't? That song never made much sense to me.

Eh.

adub /makes W with fingers, throws it up
Anthony Witrado has left Miller Park.
mark a MarkA: MAID! WHY IS THIS OFFICE SO DIRTY!?

Had enough? We haven't. Find out what happens on Witrado's trip to LA in the next installment of Witrado's Quest!

Vince Morales is the guy who runs this site. He likes the Milwaukee Brewers, pro wrestling and beer. If he offended you he is very, very sorry.

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6 comments on “Witrado’s Quest Part 2

  1. Anonymous on said:

    this quest could take all off season.

  2. Kinda stupid. You think he reads this…probably.

  3. Anonymous on said:

    Talk about a twist, typically anything with Witrado in it is a waste of time and/or oxygen. This is good! Keep it up!

  4. Anonymous on said:

    i like it keep it going witardo’s an endless joke

  5. Pingback: Witrado’s Quest 3 | Miller Park Drunk

  6. Pingback: Witrado’s Quest: The Final Act | Miller Park Drunk

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