Witrado’s Quest: The Final Act

The slow news days have begun and due to MLB rules there is only a playoff game once every six days. What do we do? Inspired by our favorite site The Dugout, we've decided to follow our favorite JSOnline writer Anthony Witrado on a quest. A quest to find love, adulation and respect in a cruel world that doesn't understand him or particularly like him. Will he find what he's been seeking? Or will he fail at it, like he's failed at life so many times before? Find out in Witrado's Quest: A Miller Park Drunk Event.

In part one Anthony learned that his fellow writers at the Journal Sentinel were not fans of his. In part two convinced that they were the only ones, Anthony set off to find someone who liked him at Miller Park only to be met with more failure and a cross-dressing Doug Melvin. In part three Anthony blamed the state of Wisconsin instead of his own shortcomings and headed back to his home in California where his favorite team was playing a meaningful game, but he found that Hollywood celebrities and the Dodgers did not like him either. With nowhere to go he returned to Wisconsin looking for answers.

INT - MILWAUKEE, WI JOURNAL SENTINEL HEADQUARTERS

	ADub: i just dont get it bra. why they all haterz?
	TomH: Because baseball is an evil, evil game. Did you watch that extra inning Yankees/Angels game on Saturday? It was like they were purposefully trying to get me to cut myself.
	ADub: but its not just baseball. er'body hatin on me tom. i just dont get it.
	TomH: It's the internet. The internet makes people hate you.
	ADub: wtf u talkin bout tom? the internet loves me. i am always gettin compliments and shit in my chats.
	TomH: That's just because they want you to answer their questions and they think that if they say nice things to you then you'll answer them. The rest of the internet hates you with a passion, go ahead and google "Anthony Witrado sucks".

	ADub: wtf is this? who is miller park drunk?
	TomH: Some fat internet loser with tons of built up high school angst that spends an enormous amount of his time making fun of successful people. I think he lives in his mom's basement.
	ADub: lol he is a blogger, but do ppl be readin this shit? believin ima douchebag and sayin i shold get fired and shit?
	TomH: Oh yes it's pretty popular. 450+ fans on facebook. 750+ on twitter. Not bad for a site that's main claim to fame is making fun of The Happy Youngster.
	ADub: oh man this is so fuct. i gotta find this ninja, i gotta stop this shit.
	TomH: It's not like he's the only one who hates you on the internet, but that'd be a start.
	Some time later in a small Wisconsin town. Anthony Witrado has arrived at a non-descript building in downtown. He climbs the stairs and knocks on the door.
	MPD: Hello?
	ADub: ya dog, is ur name vince?
	MPD: Yes.
	ADub: u the vince from miller park drunk?
	MPD: I am.
	ADub: good well im anthony the truth witrado from the miltown jizzy sentnel. i wanna kno y u always be talkin shit about me. wtf i ever do to u man?
	MPD: Well, I don't really think you are that good at your job. Your answers in your chats are uninformed despite, you know, access. You start those silly game threads and say negative things about the team then quit them after a couple of innings. Overall, you just aren't a very good writer and you get paid for it.
	ADub: so ur just jealous cuz i get paid to do this and u dont
	MPD: Not in the slightest. The Journal Sentinel probably wouldn't let me make vaguely racial and misogynist jokes or have fake conversations among the players. Plus, when would I ever get drunk at a game? Having your job would defeat the whole purpose. You just aren't good.
	ADub: ok fine im not a good writer, but why u gotta make me talk like this? why cant i talk like a real person? why i always gots to be sayin "and shit" after all my sentences and be havin grammer so bad it make brandon jennings embarassed?
	MPD: Because it's funny?
	ADub: aight, aight i can appreciate that. i own some dane cook albums, i know funny shit. but my prob is this, you prob wouldnt say this shit to my face right? youd probably like act like a bitch and say "oh i was just playin" and try to be my buddy and shit. so why u do it?
	MPD: Would I say these exact things? Probably not, but I would definitely like to tell you that you sucked. I would definitely say something about your dressing like an extra from Malibu's Most Wanted. I don't like you just to look cool on the internet, I don't like you because I don't like you. You aren't good at your job.
	ADub: tru dat. i frickin suck man.
	MPD: Alright, acceptance is the first step towards admitting that you have a problem. I learned that in N/A.
	ADub: fo real? what u go to N/A fo?
	MPD: Huffing Pam, she's one cruel bitch man. Once she grabs hold of you she never wants to let go. You ever suck dick for Pam?
	ADub: no its freely available at every wal-mart and grocery store
	MPD: Yeah, of course... I've never done that either. It's at the store, of course.
	ADub: dam u bloggers r hardcore lol. hey vince man, can i ask u a favor bro?
	MPD: Shoot.
	ADub: can i get a happy ending? to my story, i mean? not like at that asian massage parlor i hit up at the end of part 3. i just dont want it to end like this.
	MPD: I don't remember writing that part, but alright. If that's what you really want, but you're probably not going to like it.
	ADub: shit how could it be worse than everyone i encounter hatin me and shit?
	OPENING DAY 2010 Anthony Witrado is nervous. The JSOnline held a contest all winter long for the title of "Witrado's Biggest Fan" and the prize of Opening Day with Anthony. There were many entries, but one shined so far above the rest he had it won by January. Today, Anthony Witrado meets his biggest fan who will then sit by him for the entire game.
	TheHappyYoungster: Hey buddy I hope you brought your glove, we're gonna catch some baseballs!
	ADub: glove? that shits gay man
	TheHappyYoungster: Oh, Anthony always the kidder. I brought you an extra just in case. Hey, what are you doing for Halloween? I was thinking we could go as Batman and Robin because we are gonna be best friends!
	ADub: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
	TheHappyYoungster: So, Chewbacca and Han then?