Witrado’s Quest: The Final Act

The slow news days have begun and due to MLB rules there is only a playoff game once every six days. What do we do? Inspired by our favorite site The Dugout, we've decided to follow our favorite JSOnline writer Anthony Witrado on a quest. A quest to find love, adulation and respect in a cruel world that doesn't understand him or particularly like him. Will he find what he's been seeking? Or will he fail at it, like he's failed at life so many times before? Find out in Witrado's Quest: A Miller Park Drunk Event.

In part one Anthony learned that his fellow writers at the Journal Sentinel were not fans of his. In part two convinced that they were the only ones, Anthony set off to find someone who liked him at Miller Park only to be met with more failure and a cross-dressing Doug Melvin. In part three Anthony blamed the state of Wisconsin instead of his own shortcomings and headed back to his home in California where his favorite team was playing a meaningful game, but he found that Hollywood celebrities and the Dodgers did not like him either. With nowhere to go he returned to Wisconsin looking for answers.

INT - MILWAUKEE, WI JOURNAL SENTINEL HEADQUARTERS


adub ADub: i just dont get it bra. why they all haterz?
tom haudricourt TomH: Because baseball is an evil, evil game. Did you watch that extra inning Yankees/Angels game on Saturday? It was like they were purposefully trying to get me to cut myself.
adub ADub: but its not just baseball. er'body hatin on me tom. i just dont get it.
tom haudricourt TomH: It's the internet. The internet makes people hate you.
adub ADub: wtf u talkin bout tom? the internet loves me. i am always gettin compliments and shit in my chats.
tom haudricourt TomH: That's just because they want you to answer their questions and they think that if they say nice things to you then you'll answer them. The rest of the internet hates you with a passion, go ahead and google "Anthony Witrado sucks".
googlewitrado
adub ADub: wtf is this? who is miller park drunk?
tom haudricourt TomH: Some fat internet loser with tons of built up high school angst that spends an enormous amount of his time making fun of successful people. I think he lives in his mom's basement.
adub ADub: lol he is a blogger, but do ppl be readin this shit? believin ima douchebag and sayin i shold get fired and shit?
tom haudricourt TomH: Oh yes it's pretty popular. 450+ fans on facebook. 750+ on twitter. Not bad for a site that's main claim to fame is making fun of The Happy Youngster.
adub ADub: oh man this is so fuct. i gotta find this ninja, i gotta stop this shit.
tom haudricourt TomH: It's not like he's the only one who hates you on the internet, but that'd be a start.
Some time later in a small Wisconsin town. Anthony Witrado has arrived at a non-descript building in downtown. He climbs the stairs and knocks on the door.
mpd MPD: Hello?
adub ADub: ya dog, is ur name vince?
mpd MPD: Yes.
adub ADub: u the vince from miller park drunk?
mpd MPD: I am.
adub ADub: good well im anthony the truth witrado from the miltown jizzy sentnel. i wanna kno y u always be talkin shit about me. wtf i ever do to u man?
mpd MPD: Well, I don't really think you are that good at your job. Your answers in your chats are uninformed despite, you know, access. You start those silly game threads and say negative things about the team then quit them after a couple of innings. Overall, you just aren't a very good writer and you get paid for it.
adub ADub: so ur just jealous cuz i get paid to do this and u dont
mpd MPD: Not in the slightest. The Journal Sentinel probably wouldn't let me make vaguely racial and misogynist jokes or have fake conversations among the players. Plus, when would I ever get drunk at a game? Having your job would defeat the whole purpose. You just aren't good.
adub ADub: ok fine im not a good writer, but why u gotta make me talk like this? why cant i talk like a real person? why i always gots to be sayin "and shit" after all my sentences and be havin grammer so bad it make brandon jennings embarassed?
mpd MPD: Because it's funny?
adub ADub: aight, aight i can appreciate that. i own some dane cook albums, i know funny shit. but my prob is this, you prob wouldnt say this shit to my face right? youd probably like act like a bitch and say "oh i was just playin" and try to be my buddy and shit. so why u do it?
mpd MPD: Would I say these exact things? Probably not, but I would definitely like to tell you that you sucked. I would definitely say something about your dressing like an extra from Malibu's Most Wanted. I don't like you just to look cool on the internet, I don't like you because I don't like you. You aren't good at your job.
adub ADub: tru dat. i frickin suck man.
mpd MPD: Alright, acceptance is the first step towards admitting that you have a problem. I learned that in N/A.
adub ADub: fo real? what u go to N/A fo?
mpd MPD: Huffing Pam, she's one cruel bitch man. Once she grabs hold of you she never wants to let go. You ever suck dick for Pam?
adub ADub: no its freely available at every wal-mart and grocery store
mpd MPD: Yeah, of course... I've never done that either. It's at the store, of course.
adub ADub: dam u bloggers r hardcore lol.

hey vince man, can i ask u a favor bro?

mpd MPD: Shoot.
adub ADub: can i get a happy ending? to my story, i mean? not like at that asian massage parlor i hit up at the end of part 3. i just dont want it to end like this.
mpd MPD: I don't remember writing that part, but alright. If that's what you really want, but you're probably not going to like it.
adub ADub: shit how could it be worse than everyone i encounter hatin me and shit?

OPENING DAY 2010

Anthony Witrado is nervous. The JSOnline held a contest all winter long for the title of "Witrado's Biggest Fan" and the prize of Opening Day with Anthony. There were many entries, but one shined so far above the rest he had it won by January. Today, Anthony Witrado meets his biggest fan who will then sit by him for the entire game.

hy TheHappyYoungster: Hey buddy I hope you brought your glove, we're gonna catch some baseballs!
adub ADub: glove? that shits gay man
hy TheHappyYoungster: Oh, Anthony always the kidder. I brought you an extra just in case. Hey, what are you doing for Halloween? I was thinking we could go as Batman and Robin because we are gonna be best friends!
adub ADub: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
hy TheHappyYoungster: So, Chewbacca and Han then?

Vince Morales is the guy who runs this site. He likes the Milwaukee Brewers, pro wrestling and beer. If he offended you he is very, very sorry.

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3 comments on “Witrado’s Quest: The Final Act

  1. Anonymous on said:

    I really hope you guys run into each other someday.

  2. Anonymous on said:

    Jesus, is that really the HY? That’s terrifying.

  3. Pingback: Tweets that mention Witrado’s Quest: The Final Act | Miller Park Drunk -- Topsy.com

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