I like to think that I am the world's foremost expert on d-bags who wear gloves to a baseball game. When I am asked to go on CNN to comment on the Happy Youngster's inevitable serial killing spree, I want it to to look like this.
I can talk and write about this topic forever. They never stop being fun to make fun of. I know the ins and outs of the game and in some ways I'm the Bill James of the hating-ballhawks community. So you should know that NOTHING on this planet gave me more pleasure than seeing Conan O'Brien give him the business on the Tonight Show. In case you missed it:
If anything my only complaint is that he didn't make fun of him enough, but Conan and Jeff Garlin did a fine job of doing the Lord's work with comments and a general "can you believe this guy?" attitude. I almost started to feel sorry for the guy and his complete inability to realize the joke was on him. Then I saw his pants and what he looked like when his hat fell off and it all washed away. Here's some of my favorite quotes:
"I actually raise my voice an octove."
He was serious when he said this. Really.
"You sit next to me at a ballgame I'm gonna sit on you."
Glad to see Jeff Garlin get disgusted. You'd think he was on the Deadspin podcast or something.
"I think you're the worst man in America."
I love this quote because while it's not really true it says to the entire viewing audience "F this guy. I don't like him and neither should you." Which is all we can ever really ask for.
"I like to go alone because I don't like to be bothered."
Translation: I have no friends.
Hopefully this appearance will be Hample's last appearance on TV or any sort of media. I am tired of every couple of months having to get annoyed because ESPN, CBS or some other media outlet can't think of anything to write about so they bring one of these idiots on to explain their craft. The reason these guys are doing this is because they want attention. They want to feel special. For whatever reason, most likely because they are completely lame, they have never gotten to feel special in their lives but when they catch a baseball at a game people think they're cool. It's not easy to catch a baseball at a game, even if you are wearing a glove, and you have to run over a lot of little kids to do it, but when you do make that catch people think it's cool and give you a high five. It feels good to get a high five from strangers, but it's not enough to base your livelihood upon. You have to do stuff. You have to put yourself out there and be somebody. You can't just expect to gain the adulation and respect you feel you have been wronged out of your entire life by simply catching baseballs and getting players to throw you balls because you ask them in their native tongue. That's not real life. That's not life. It's a sad pathetic excuse for a life.
So listen to this all you wannabe ballhawks out there, want to be something else. Want to be something that makes people stand up and notice you, not something that makes you stand up and ridicule you. With this appearance on the Tonight Show, Zack Hample has reached the pinnacle of what a ballhawk can be. A book deal, a ton of baseballs with no value to anyone besides himself, a few write-ups and television appearances followed by public humiliation on one of the world's biggest stages. Is that the kind of life you want for yourself? Is this the way you want people to view you? Ballhawking is a dead-end people, find something else to do.
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