Guide to hangovers

hangoverYesterday we didn't write anything for the site. Why? We went to the game on Wednesday. I started to go through my archives and realized that for every Wednesday game I have gone to this season Thursday has suffered. I don't think that I need to spell it out for you why this happens. It's just the way it is. You can't start pre-gaming at 5 in the afternoon, watch a three hour baseball game and then stay out until bar time without some effects. For us it's not doing a whole lot of writing on Thursdays. I'll take it. The thing is this goes on a lot. It's not just a clever name. We've been down this road many, many times before. So why not give a little bit back? Why not share our vast knowledge? Why not create...(wait for it)..

Miller Park Drunk's Guide To Hangovers

Wake Up

The morning is the worst part. You wake up and you think you have this wealth of energy because you pop right up and you have something like 15 thoughts running through your head at once. There is no way you are going back to sleep. You pour yourself some water, go to the bathroom, maybe turn on the TV. Everything is great right? Wrong. Pretty much from the second you drink that glass of water it's over. It hits you. You're exhausted, but you can't go back to sleep. You feel like absolute death. The weaker of us might even utter something like "Man, I am never drinking again!" Don't do this. Drinking is awesome.

Go through your text messages and call log

What you did last night will come back to haunt you, be prepared.

Shower

At this point your first thought is probably "I'll take a shower and feel much better" which is sound logic in theory. However, in my experience it never works out exactly how you plan it. No matter how awake you think you are you are better off going back to bed and just laying there. I don't know much about science, but there is something scientific at play when you get in the shower with a hangover. Something about combining pulsating water with the leftover shots in your stomach leads to serious trouble. Nobody likes to throw up. Throwing up in the shower? Awful.

Turn on the TV

It is now time to veg out. You should have drank at least 14 glasses of water by now and have one close by your side. It's time to watch TV. There are a lot of options but I personally think there are only two real options.

Show that requires absolutely no brain to watch: Can't ever go wrong here. Solid choices include: Cops, Blind Date, anything on E!, VH1 or MTV, Degrassi: The Next Generation, Fresh Prince reruns. You honestly have an endless supply of options. The idea is to skip anything to make you think. Don't even think about turning on MLB Network or the game replay from the night before. You will get a headache trying to grasp the strikes/balls/outs and your headache is bad enough as it is. There are way too many numbers in baseball for a hungover person to properly deal with.

Movie you have seen entirely way too many times: This is my choice, every time. Do you know how many times I've seen Real Genius? In the past month alone? I could tell you, but you'd probably think I was an alcoholic. Put it this way, I have a text in my phone that reads "Stop watching Real Genius!!!" Watching a movie you've never seen before probably isn't a good idea because it makes you think. What's going to happen next? How will this end? You don't want to do that. So unless the movie is Fast & Furious you want to stick with something you know that won't surprise you and makes you feel good.

Keys to avoiding a hangover

  • No shots. Especially bombs of any kind. Sugar is responsible for 98% of all hangovers.
  • Drink accordingly. If you are downing Miller Lites, drink as many as you want. If you are drinking Spotted Cows, drink about half that. Drinking 12 Spotted Cows is like drinking 78 Miller Lites. Unless you're Wade Boggs, this won't end well.
  • Don't go to Burger King. You think you can only get hangovers from alcohol? Wrong. Try eating a triple Whopper at 2:30 and seeing how you feel in the morning.
  • Try to get laid. You probably won't, but when you are trying to get laid you aren't doing shots every 7 1/2 minutes.

Eat

Now that you are settled in watching TV you are probably going to get hungry. Do you want to cook something? Hell no, you don't. Do you want to go out and get something? Put it this way I've spilled full glasses of water on the carpet during a hangover and not moved an inch. You think I'm getting up and going to Subway? Give me a break. There's only one option remaining: delivery. God's gift to drunk people. Sure, I could drive 5 minutes, get the same food for $10 less and not have to tip but then I would have to drive for 5 minutes and that is completely unacceptable. Hello, Dominos? I usually skip the pizza and go for the wings and garlic cheesy bread. Why even pretend you want to eat good? Just dive right into it.

Seriously think about it for a minute. The average beer has about 96 calories per 12 ounces. It normally takes 10 or more beers for me to get a hangover. We're recommended 2000 calories a day to be "average". When you throw in breakfast, lunch and whatever I eat at the ballpark I am somewhere between 7 and 80,000 calories. I don't think I need to be counting cals today. Bring me a Coke while you're at it, nothing tastes better than Coke at this point.

Take a nap

After eating the equivalent of your left leg, this shouldn't be a problem.

Start drinking

Here's my normal routine. After watching TV, eating and then taking a nap. I feel somewhat refreshed, but not quite 100%. So I grab a beer and head to the shower. You may think this is crazy, but it makes perfect sense. Water is hot. Beer is cold. It's like drinking outside in the summer, only at home! Depending on how I feel sometimes I will take two beers and make the shower extra long. That's a good day. After this you should be ready to head out for another day of fun. (This is why the Brewers should stop playing that Thursday day game. Instead of a day game the last game of the series, they should make the day game the first game of the series. Honestly, I'd love to go to two games in a row but it's just not possible when they are scheduling a game 11 hours after bar time.)

Vince Morales is the guy who runs this site. He likes the Milwaukee Brewers, pro wrestling and beer. If he offended you he is very, very sorry.

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16 comments on “Guide to hangovers

  1. I swear by Taco Bell as part of the cure. A couple tacos and burritos around noon gets you going again.

  2. Anonymous on said:

    I’ve always found McDonalds to be the best food to cure a hangover. I think it has something to do with the high grease content versus the need to coat the stomach with something other than alcohol.

  3. Anonymous on said:

    Gatorade.

  4. Anonymous on said:

    Drink & bottle of water & take 3 Tylenol or Aspirin before you fall asleep/pass out.
    Advil is a no-no since ibuprofen is hard on the liver.

  5. Anonymous on said:

    Agreed….McDonald’s breakfast with a Coke to cure my hangovers. There really is nothing better than McDonald’s Coke!!!!

  6. Anonymous on said:

    …except Pepsi

  7. Pingback: The Easiest Way To Get Laid | All Days Long

  8. Anonymous on said:

    McDonald’s breakfast? How frickin early do you people get up after a long night?

  9. Anonymous on said:

    Gatorade/ Powerade is a key, as is the ability to go right back to bed for an hour once you start feeling it.

    Or, if it’s football Saturday/Sunday, choke down a Bloody Maryn for the fruit juice energy, and get back a-rollin’.

  10. Anonymous on said:

    “The average beer has about 96 calories per 12 ounces.”

    What are you drinking…real beer with 8 ounces of water mixed into it?

    “Does My BUTT Look BIG In This BEER? Nutritional Values of 2,000 Worldwide Beers”

  11. Anonymous on said:

    Tylenol is hard on the liver not Advil.

  12. Anonymous on said:

    ALKA SELTZER!

    The best cure I’ve found is to drop two alka seltzer in a glass of water and pound that before going to bed. I know alka seltzer is gross, but so are the contents of your puke the next morning.

  13. Anonymous on said:

    “Try eating a triple Whopper at 2:30 and seeing how you feel in the morning.”

    lol I did this the other week. Except it was two whoppers, with cheese and bacon. Big mistake.

  14. Anonymous on said:

    being able to drink beer in the shower is proof of a loving god.

  15. Anonymous on said:

    See i’m in favor of the multivitamin and advil cure, i take them first time i wake up at 6 pass out again and i feel amazing by the time i wake up. then it’s off to get the greasy food double cheeseburgers, bw3′s, leftover pizza

  16. Anonymous on said:

    Personally, I skip all of the steps listed and just get right back on the booze. Nothing cures a hangover better than a little “hair of the dog”.

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