To Bong or Not to Bong?: A guide to getting drunk
"Luther said I could learn some things from you. I already know how to drink" - The Sting
Of course you know how to drink. I wouldn't doubt it for a second. You've probably never had too much to drink and thrown up. Or said something you shouldn't have. Fell down, been thrown out of a bar, attempted a backflip or chewed your arm off to get away from a girl you woke up next to. You've probably never kissed a dude because you thought it would be funny or split your pants or threw up at a bar ON the bar. You know how to drink, you wouldn't do these things.
Here's the thing, I have. I've done all those things. I have done more stupid things while I was drunk then pretty much everyone you've ever met. I've ruined more relationships, spilled more tequilla on myself, sent more regrettable texts and had more heads shaken at me (oh, you) than my entire readership combined. Is this something I'm proud of? Of course not. I wish I could drink like a normal person and do normal things. I wish I had more than three readers. It's just that when I drink I am fairly certain that I can do a standing backflip and will later have to throw up. These things happen. So while you may think you know how to drink, I'm going to tell you how NOT to drink at Opening Day. It's my pleasure, really.
DON'T DO SHOTS
Why? Because if I can't do them neither can you. This is actually a mandated rule from my friends and honestly, I'm okay with it. See, the whole point of going to a baseball game is to have a good time and watch some baseball. When you involve shots you have a good time, but there's a damn good chance that you don't watch some baseball. You end up in Friday's Front Row doing more shots for like $11/shot. Don't do that. Watch the game.
DRINK BEER, STUPID
This isn't really a rule. You can drink what you want, but trust me you are better off. There's going to be enough idiots drunk off liquor at the park that day.
TO BONG OR NOT TO BONG?
I have thought long and hard about this question and it is probably the reason this particular guide has taken me a long time. After long thoughtful deliberation the answer is... yes. There is nothing wrong with taking a beer bong, per se. It's just that things could happen to you when you do them. You could get too drunk and black out, miss the game. Which is the overwhelming point of this post, get as drunk as you want to but try to remember you are at a baseball game and the point of it is to watch baseball. So here's what I say: don't drink any more bongs than you normally drink and if you don't normally do bongs like if you are a 47 yeard old soccer mom trying to let loose to for a day don't do any more than two. Got it? We don't need a Metrodome type situation here.
JUST SHUT UP ALREADY
I've done a lot of silly things in my life while drinking, but one thing I've never done is act like a complete idiot at a game (okay, maybe once). One time I went to a Brewers/Cubs games with a buddy of mine and the Cubs took a rather commanding lead and he just absolutely flipped out. Screaming at his friends, trying to fight Cubs fans, spilling beer to the point that he had to leave. I couldn't believe it. This was a rather mild mannered person driven completely insane by a loss and alcohol. Don't be like that. At the end of the day it's only 1 of 162 and no matter what happens they'll be back to play another day.
Besides, if you played your cards right you still got a lot more drinking to do.