Browsing Category: "milwaukee brewers"

Farewell My Love. Farewell Rickie Weeks.

milwaukee brewers October 15th, 2014

weeksnapWhen the Brewers played their last game of 2014 it was also the last game that Rickie Weeks will play for the Brewers. To some this will be good riddance. To others it's been a long time coming. To me? It's the end of an era.

Rickie Weeks has been my favorite Brewers since before he was a Brewer. It was Rickie Weeks being drafted number two overall that brought the Brewers back in to my mind when I lived faraway. It was write-ups on Baseball Prospectus about Weeks and the other baby Brewers that made me say things like "the Brewers are going to win the World Series in five years". It was going to see those guys play in a shitty minor league game in Mobile, Alabama. It was Rickie Weeks, for better or worse, who got me into all of this and it was Rickie Weeks who was my favorite baseball player. Read the rest of this entry »

The Back to School Brewers

milwaukee brewers October 14th, 2014

Well, it's that time of year again; time for the kids to go back to school. Football starts, fall comes and the kids go back to class. As a parent, I know how hard this can be. You not only have to go to crappy school concerts, help your kid with their stupid homework and get weird emails about Scott Walker from your kid's teacher, but you also lose out on a lot of important family time. Time when you can be teaching your kid to listen to you, to be a good person and, most importantly, not be a dickbag. Instead of spending time and learning with you, they go to school and spend their whole day with other shitty kids. Kids whose parents pack a $5 Footlong in their lunchbox and hope it lasts all week. Kids who will start selling weed in four years, start having kids of their own in five and start paying taxes never. Worse than that, they are also spending a ton of time with their teacher. There are (probably?) some good teachers out there who can help your kid become a better person, but most of them suck a bag of dicks. English majors who realized they couldn't do anything else with their degrees, guys who grew up with the goal of being a gym teacher (seriously, that's what they wanted to do with their lives on purpose), girls who are just biding time until someone gets them pregnant, old bags who need to die already and music/art/business teachers who failed so badly at their chosen passion that they ended up teaching it. Schools are pretty much the worst place for your kids to figure out how to be a decent person and your kid is definitely going to turn into an asshole by going to one. Which I suppose is better than growing up to be a serial killer like home schooled kids, but not by much.


What if I told you there was a way to send your kids to school and make sure they hear your positive messages?

What if I told you there was a way to do this without seeming overbearing, but by being cool and hip?

What if I told you that kids will be begging for it?

And that I am going to offer it free to you right now?

Is that something you'd be interested in? Read the rest of this entry »

Brewers 2014 Season in Review

milwaukee brewers October 13th, 2014

What a season! So much drama! So much excitement! So much baseball! So much shittiness and despair!

I never felt great about the season. Those first couple months were pretty cool, but it never felt quite right. There was just something.. off. It felt like the things that went right went a little too right, if that makes sense. They were good, but deep down I think that everyone knew that they weren't that good. In the end, they are who we thought they were.

Or at least who Doug Melvin thought they were. I've seen people calling for Melvin's head after this season, but that's really dumb. Why? Because this is a real-life conversation that Doug Melvin had with Mark Attanasio before the season:

 mark a Hey Doug, what kind of team do we have this year? World Series? Playoffs? I don't want to send another apology letter to the fans like last year. That was weird.
Doug Melvin My team puts us about 82-83 wins, so no Cup and I don't think we'll be going to playoffs either, eh? Sorry.

/eats a donut whole in one bite

mark a Anything I can do to fix that? I have lots of money that I am willing to spend. Some people say that I am a "fan's owner" who is willing to go above budget to put the best team on the field.
Doug Melvin If everything goes like poutine gravy, maybe. Bullpen would need to be amazing, starters would need to pitch amazing, players would need to out perform projections, a vintage Braun season, Gomez being MVP and no injuries then maybe. Maybe, eh? But I juts don't think we have enough shit kickers for it this year. Sorry. Sorry.
mark a Well, I trust you Doug. 82 wins is much better than last year so I'll take it. And just to be safe I am going to pick up Roenicke's option for 2015.
Doug Melvin  /sips Tim Horton's coffee

Wait, why?

mark a lol i dunno

That happened.

Did they think things might be different when they were riding high in first place in July? Sure! But Doug is smart enough to know the team's true talent level. He's smart enough to go to Fangraphs and look at the Playoff Odds. On the night of the trade deadline, the night they traded for Gerardo Parra, the Brewers had a 2 game lead in the division. Their odds winning the division? A a mere 31.2% compared to the Cardinals' 38.1%. Do you think Doug didn't know this? Do you think Doug didn't share this info with Mark Attanasio? You're lying to yourself. They knew this team's talent.

But what about Roenicke? Shouldn't he take the blame? Why didn't they fire his ass? Well, they already extended him for 2015 so if they fired him, they'd have to pay two managers. I'm guessing they don't want to pay two six figure salaries for one shitty job. (I say shitty job because clearly they can't hire a manager with a shred of creativity or the ability to think an inch outside of the box.) Second, you probably can't blame Ron Roenicke for that collapse. Why? Because...

This is Ron Roenicke during a 10-game winning streak:


And this is Ron Roenicke during a 10-game losing streak:


He doesn't know what the hell is going on. He is tangentially aware that a team is winning or losing more than the opposite, but he doesn't have anything to do with it. When people say that the manager can't control what the players do on the field, they are talking about Ron Roenicke. He writes names on a piece of paper, he makes a call to the bullpen and that's about it. He isn't Phil Jackson installing the Triangle Offense, he's a guy who writes names on a piece of paper. He is meaningless.

So, who's to blame? We have to blame SOMEONE. There is no way a team could go from first place to third and miss the playoffs in the final two months of the season without SOMEBODY being at fault. This sucked and SOMEONE has to pay. Who? Who do we blame? Who is the motherfucker who ruined my fall? Who deserves to get fired for this shit?


If you are pissed and calling for the head of someone from the Brewers, take a look in a mirror.


YOU are the one who thought the Cardinals and Pirates weren't going to make a run.

YOU are the one who thought Wily Peralta was for real.


YOU are the one who made excuses for Lyle Overbay.

YOU are the one who cheered K-Rod.


YOU are the one who believed.

YOU are the one who wished for this.



The Brewers will be back in 2015 for more baseball action! Stay tuned to for more information on tickets, merchandise and Hank the Dog! Woof woof baseball!

SUNDAY FUNDAY: More Songs About Brewers And Yuni

milwaukee brewers October 12th, 2014

YunieBHuggingI've been holding this one in my back pocket until former Brewers pop-up machine Yuniesky Betancourt tricked another team into signing him or, worse yet, was taken back by the Brewers. Fortunately, the Phillies fell victim to the veteran middle infielder's cherubic Cuban charm, inking him to a minor league deal to serve as an insurance policy for the empty shells which once encased Jimmy Rollins and Chase Utley.

Anyway, we're getting dangerously close to becoming "The Best Phillies Blog In The World" too, so I'll just get to the original point of this post. A few weeks ago, my pal and former Right Field Bleachers cohort, Jared, alerted me to a little musical number called "The Best Song Ever Written About Yuniesky Betancourt" he found on MySpace. Anxious to see if the lofty claim was true, I didn't even remember to make fun of Jared for using MySpace.

Written and performed by a band called "Green Bay" (but with the Green Day font and baffling use of skulls as cover art), the two-minute song manages to be both the best song about Yuniesky Betancourt AND the worst song about anything ever. Essentially, it's just 120 seconds of some dude dicking around on a piano and mispronouncing Yunie's name. It's pretty rough, and I should know. I'm the official expert on this song. As I write this, the song has only been played four times... three of which are by me. It was uploaded Sept. 9, 2011... when Betancourt was in his final month or so with Milwaukee, for reasons unknown.

The band's catalog is a treasure trove of cringe-inducing goodness. Each song is like two minutes long and none have more than 15 plays. Some of what awaits you...
"Shaun Marcum Wins Lots Of Games"
"Oh oh oh Shaun Marcum. He's a very good pitcher for the Brewers. No on can stop-a Shaun Marcum. He can not be stopped. Shaun Marcum is playing for the Brewers. He's winnin' lots of games for the Brewers. Nobody can hit Shaun Marcum because he pitches with such precision."

I'm as big of a Marcum apologist as you'll ever meet and I disagree with most of that. The accompaniment of a keyboard on accordion setting saves the whole thing, though.

"Jonathan Lucroy (Oh Joy! Oh Boy!)"
Actually pretty amazing. I mean, it's amazing he found two other people to harmonize with for the chorus. Otherwise, this one's predictably bad too.

"Corey Hart Has Heart"
I like how this on makes reference to how Corey Hart's last name (Hart) sounds like the word "heart" and that Corey Hart has heart and that he plays on the Milwaukee Brewers. I counted "Corey Hart has heart" being sang or spoken 25 total times in 1:27. The best part is when the lead singer says "sing it boys!" and the other vocalist is also him.

"Casey McGehee is a Fine Man"
Though awful as well, this 1:21 nightmare starts off innocently enough: jangling piano, a throaty off-key howl butchers McGehee's last name, that same voice reminds us that Casey was a Brewers player when this song was written. But Green Bay quickly takes artistic liberty by making a bunch of unsupported claims. Such outrageous statements include:

You! Up there! Get your fine ass down to the Mayor's Office.

You! Up there! Get your fine ass down to the Mayor's Office.

- Casey finds a way to get on base.
- If he ran for mayor of Milwaukee, he'd be voted in to lead the city (don't bring politics into something already flawed enough).
- Every girl in Wisconsin loves [him] and goes crazy for [him]. They all love [him] and [he] gets the pick of whichever one is most pretty. (Aside from the creepy visual, I'm pretty sure Kevin Mench had more pull in his time with the Brewers)
- He's a good player. (who was traded for Jose Veras and nobody cared, especially the ladies)

"John Axford, The Man With The Moustache"
"Who's gonna get the save? The man who doesn't shave. The man who is so brave. John Axford. Axford, the man who pitches real fast. Axford, the man with the moustache."

Oh great, now I'm sterile.

"Ryan Braun Is The Real Deal!"
That seals it. Ready the Braun bust for Cooperstown. One part that gets me is the lyrics "All the other players kind of make me yawn, but not future Hall Of Famer Ryan Braun." Doesn't any player with talent that's Casey McGehee-level or higher make this guy shoot and influence the way he votes? Or did I vastly underestimate how bad this guy wanted to bone Casey McGehee?

"Why Did They Trade Richard Jefferson?"
To get expiring contracts. Revisionist history aside, that motive seemed obvious when the trade was made.

Based on the songs about Trevor Hoffman, wanting Favre to stay in Green Bay, Jason Kendall and one called "Bill Hall's Gonna Be Good Again!", it's seems like the musicians (or people who own instruments, rather) behind Green Bay called it quits in late 2011... unless their dropping acid in a crawl space somewhere, hard at work writing a double-LP concept album about how Ekpe Udoh is a good player and that he is on the Bucks.

They say all good things must come to an end. I suppose that's also true for terrible, embarrassing, boner-demolishing things. We'll always have "The Best Song Ever Written About Yuniesky Betancourt" -- the fittingly dreadful and error-riddled audio reminder of the starting shortstop for a Brewers team that we'll never forget.

This post was written by Tyler Maas. Find him now at Milwaukee Record.

STEPBACK SATURDAY: When Vince and Tyler Went Gay (Not That There’s Anything Wrong With That)

milwaukee brewers October 11th, 2014

I have a question for the male readers of the site. Have you ever been pondering the offseason moves of the Brewers and thought to yourself "I am glad they re-signed Craig Counsell, he's kinda hot"? I mean, everyone has had that conversation with a friend that starts like "I know you're not gay, but..." and you immediately yell out "DONNIE FROM NEW KIDS!", right? And then after having that conversation you continue on to "Okay I know you are totally straight and stuff, but which Brewers player would you have sex with if you had to?" No? You've never had that conversation with one of your buddies? Not even once? Really? Well, I guess I'll just have to tell you about it then because Tyler and I have had that conversation many, many times and we'd like to share one with you. Why? Because we are so totally okay with our sexuality that we don't care who reads it! We don't care if the guys we are writing about making sweet love to us read it, we want them to! So, like, forward this to them. Please.

Vince: Hey Tyler, I've got a question for you that's been bothering me for awhile and I want your opinion on it. If you had to have sex with a member of the Milwaukee Brewers, who would it be? Read the rest of this entry »