20
Mar 14

The slow return of Miller Park Drunk

gormandoit

I can think of a lot of reasons that I don't write like I used to. Here's a few of them:

  • They haven't really been that fun.
  • I think the front office still thinks it's 2011.
  • Even though I think that I fail to latch onto new stars like Gomez or Segura in a significant way despite the fact that they are proof that I am wrong about that last thing.
  • Ryan Braun made me feel like a fucking dick for defending him. He's still the best player and I'm glad he can help his win (and I still don't really give a shit about steroids and think the world would be a better place if they were legal), but he's a douchebag. Which is funny because we made our bones calling him a douchebag. I should have known.
  • The pitching.
  • Rickie Weeks, my favorite guy, is kinda what people say about him now.
  • The front office doesn't really jive with my own feelings about what a baseball front office should be and they aren't winning so I feel like they are outdated and wrong. Whether this is real or not (it probably isn't), it still has bearing on how I enjoy the baseball team.
  • The stupidity of baseball, the corporate office that controls things.
  • The Brewers, despite being the hometown nine, are still just another corporation out to rob us of every cent we have. (See: the dog, Hank)
  • I've been really into wrestling. Which is funny because it pisses me off and makes me love/hate it just as much as the Brewers do. I'm flying to New Orleans in two weeks for WrestleMania and all I can think about is how awful it will be.
  • I really don't get why they keep bringing back K-Rod. He's a good pitcher who is the worst pitcher ever for a few games at a time. That's one thing, but my real issue is that he's a guy with some not so good stuff towards women on his resume and I have a hard time reconciling that with my feminist nature. There are a lot of guys who can get a bunch of saves, blow a bunch of games and then get a few more saves without having a history of being a dick. Just because the woman you hit fled to Venezuela doesn't mean you didn't hit a woman. In short, fuck him.
  • The stupidity of baseball, the business that makes things unfair for teams like the Brewers.
  • The inevitability that no matter what we do, who we draft, who we sign, what dogs we save, who the GM is, who the owner is, what the cost of beer is or how healthy the economy is; that we will never be as consistently great as the Cardinals. They will always find a way to win through some combination of knowing what they are doing and devil's magic. We will have great seasons, but we will never be them. It is the absolute worst and it is the toughest, most disgusting pill to swallow.
  • The stupidity of baseball, the sport that is so dependent on the quality of pitching when pitching is the hardest thing to acquire, predict and keep healthy. Nine Ryan Brauns are no match for one Pedro Martinez and no cure for one Jeff Suppan.
  • And on and on. (And on.)

But if I had to sum up my lack of writing about the Brewers in one easy to read statement it would be this one:

The Brewers have made multiple moves, Braun is back and they might be good, but the only thing I have really paid attention to is a homeless dog.

Yep, that about sums it up. Continue reading →


14
Jan 14

Meet Bernie Brewer’s new best friend: Clark

The Chicago Cubs unveiled their unBEARably cute new mascot this week and his name is Clark and He Is Adorable. No, seriously, I was going to write this thing making fun of them for having this kid friendly new mascot, but then I saw this picture:

Cubs_Mascot_Baseball_Gasp_t653And I fell in love. Seriously, he's like a grown up Teddy Ruxpin. I just want to put tapes into his back and have him read me bedtime stories forever. When it's really cold out I want to curl up next to him and have him take me with him into hibernation land where our dreams will come alive and we will ride unicorns into rainbows. He's the sweetest, most cuddliest mascot I have ever seen.  He's like Bango if Bango worked for a professional sports team. The Cubs really nailed it on this one and I were the Brewers I'd really be worried about losing fans who only liked the team because of Bernie Brewer because Clark makes Bernie look like... well, the Brewers. Continue reading →


12
Dec 13

Don’t tell me this town ain’t got no Hart

ihartseattleCorey Hart is a Seattle Mariner and with that signing the dream of the baby Brewers who led Milwaukee to prominence died. No more Prince, no more Hart, Weeks is something and Braun sold his soul. The dream is over. It's not that Hart left (because that contract Seattle gave him is probably dumb) it's that I don't even know who this team wants to be anymore. Like I don't understand what their goals are.

Many of the likeable replacements (Axford, Aoki) are gone too and that's fine if it makes the team better, but what is the goal? If the Brewers are going to suck, why get rid of someone everyone loves like Aoki? If you aren't going to be good and you still want to sell tickets you need to be a little bit better than "Ryan Braun is serious this time guys". In the end we're left being "just one of those teams". You know the ones, they are a baseball team with players. A couple of the players are pretty good, but there is no real hot prospect that everyone is talking about and there is a bunch of veterans that make you say "huh, that guy is still around?" One of those teams. The kind of team that other teams think "Can we get them to trade us Gomez? They don't need him." The team that doesn't really contend, but still has to play 162 games. That's the Brewers right now. They are the 90s all over again. They aren't on the cutting edge of statistical analysis, they aren't in a rebuilding phase or one player away from being a contender, they are just a team that plays baseball. They are the Bucks. They are what people outside of Wisconsin has always thought them to be.

Nothing really sums this up quite like the Brewers alleged interest in James Loney. (Did they lose Gamel's number?) Nothing quite says middle of the road, plain jane, boring as fuck baseball team like James Loney. He's a talented baseball player, last season he was 10th in WAR among first baseman, but he just is what he is. He's the type of guy that a small market team signs in free agency because no good team wants him and no good players want Milwaukee. He's the perfect match for a team on the verge of nothingness. He's Kyle Lohse, first baseman. Continue reading →


30
Aug 13

Goodbye John Axford

johnaxfordmusicCan you think of a better pitcher in Brewers history than John Axford?

Lots. Tons and tons of them. My browser just crashed there were so many search results.

Can you think of a better reliever in Brewers history than John Axford?

Most definitely. He had his stretches, but there have been others who have matched them and others who have beat them. (I think. I didn't really do the research on this one.)

Can you think of a better closer in Brewers history than John Axford?

Sure. Despite being second on the Brewers all-time saves list, the last two years have basically erased the idea that John Axford is or was an awesome closer (even though he really was for a minute.) The idea of "awesome closer" is admittedly a stupid kind of thing, but he was pretty dominant at one point. The best? You'll have to go through something called Doug Henry first, pal.

Can you think of a cooler guy in Brewers history than John Axford?

Probably not. Continue reading →


24
Aug 13

Fans React to A Letter From Ryan Braun

Letter to the fans of the Milwaukee Brewers:

I have always been very grateful for the privilege of playing baseball in the great city of Milwaukee.

diswank

I am so sorry for letting you down by being in denial for so long and not telling the whole truth about what happened.

braunjudy

I am ashamed and extremely embarrassed by the decisions I made. There are no excuses for what I did and I take full responsibility for my actions.

braunmchale

I apologize to all Brewers fans for disappointing you.

braunpotter

I came forward because I knew it was time for me to tell the truth and accept my punishment.

braunbryan

I understand I have abused your trust and that of our great owner Mark Attanasio and the entire Brewers organization.

braundog

Admitting my mistakes and asking for your forgiveness are the first steps in what I know will be a lengthy process to prove myself to you again.

braunduhhhhh

It is an honor to represent the people of Wisconsin by wearing a Brewers uniform.

braunpunk

I want all of you to know how much I have appreciated the support I've received from so many of you throughout my years with the organization.

braunhills

I will continue to work on improving myself and making amends for what I have done.

braunfingerbang

I am deeply sorry for my actions and I apologize to everyone I have let down. I am committed to doing everything I can to earn back your trust and support.

braundietcokegrl

Sincerely,

Ryan Braun

braunshrug

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