25
Mar 13

Lalli-Freakin-Da! Filling Milwaukee’s Last Bench Spot

Blake+Lalli+Milwaukee+Brewers+Photo+Day+i-SyGRMB-RRl

Could THIS be the guy who never plays until Corey Hart comes back in May?

Note: This post was being written when it was announced that the Brewers were signing Kyle Lohse. The transaction is in stark contrast to much of the intro, but I'll be goddamned if I'm going to re-write it. Just pretend this was written Friday or something. Cool?

***

Every mid-February when pitchers and catchers report, life gets a little bit sweeter. Even though most of us are still marooned in the awful and unforgiving Wisconsin winter hundreds upon hundreds of miles away from said pitchers and catchers, the start of spring training offers methadone to help us through until we can score some regular season baseball.

Then position players show up to join the batteries in stretching along the chalk lines and jogging 90-foot increments. Immediately, Mat Gamel gets injured. Soon after, exhibition games start, allowing fans to comb over box scores that detail Rickie Weeks went 0-1 with a walk and some guy you never heard of had two hits in a split-squad contest against the Chinese Taipei WBC team. Maybe Bob Uecker says something funny on the radio while calling a game you don't really care about. A game or two gets televised.

After a barren winter of inactivity, articles and blog posts begin to pile up, each detailing that everyone is apparently in the best shape of his life, those who had a down season the previous year are looking to improve this time around and those who were successful last summer hope to repeat their performance. Some five weeks later, we sit idling at arguably the most frustrating point of the marathon baseball season.

Unless Doug Melvin gets partially digested by a python in the Arizona desert or Mark Attanasio makes a $33M last-minute impulse buy, every marginally-exciting storyline has been exhausted, the Opening Day starting lineup has been set in stone and there's nothing more that can be taken from a game occurring in or around Maryvale. Yet there's still a week standing between now and a baseball game at Miller Park. One of the last remaining uncertainties or points of speculation is who will occupy the lucrative last spot on the Brewers bench. There's a bevy of worthwhile options, but numerous factors both supporting and working against each of their respective cases. Continue reading →


22
Mar 13

Jeff Suppan to run for Congress if he continues to suck at baseball (Or Jeff Suppan to run for Congress)

In a surprising turn of events, former Brewers pitcher Jeff Suppan is still trying to pitch in the major leagues. When the Brewers released Jeff Suppan in 2010jeff suppan (Keyboard Cat, never forget) many wondered if that was the end of his baseball playing career, but he ended up pitching for the Cardinals that season. After that most of us assumed that he would retire to his California restaurant, the cleverly named "Soup's Sports Grill", but he actually ended up playing 2011 for the Royals AAA Omaha team (where he sucked) and then spent part of 2012 getting rocked in San Diego. (Although he did lead the Padres to a win over the Brewers last season which proved once and for all that baseball is unfair and that God doesn't care about the Brewers.) For a guy with a career that should have been over three years ago, Suppan has kept on pitching and continued to make a high six figure salary for sucking at his job.

Which makes him a perfect candidate to run for political office. Continue reading →


18
Mar 13

A brief history of Bobby Crosby: Milwaukee Brewer

Brewers release Bobby CrosbySad day for all you CrosBees out there as Bobby Crosby has found himself back in the unemployment line. Crosby hadn't played in the major leagues since 2010, but was attempting a comeback with the Brewers this season. Crosby had a reputation of being an excellent glove man with a bat that resembled a branch that fell off of a dead tree that he was able to live up to in Brewers spring training. Crosby hoped that he could get enough hits off of mediocre pitching in spring training to temporarily convince the Brewers that he had value, but was unable to even accomplish this simple task as he often struck out when hitting off the tee in batting practice.

His time with the Brewers was short lived, but for completionist's sake we have created this archive of his entire Brewers career. For science. Continue reading →


11
Feb 13

It’s Always Good To Be A Brewers Fan

In their recent analysis of a trade between the Athletics and the Astros the gang over at Brew Crew Ball included this line in their opening:

Both sides of yesterday's Athletics/Astros trade show us why it's good to be a Brewer fan.

worldseriesThe gist of the article, it seems, is that the As gave up a lot to fill a need that the Brewers no longer have and that they are in a better position going forward than the Astros. This is oh so very true. Jean Segura could work out great and fill a serious need for a long time, it would suck to be the Astros and the Brewers have very few legit holes in their roster. It is a good time to root for this particular baseball team over those particular baseball teams. (Well, except the As who have an (arguably) better front office, deeper farm system and had a much more fun 2012 than the Brewers, but still.) This is a good point, I suppose, liking the Brewers is "fun" right now. They've been in the discussion for the playoffs in four of the past six years and have actually been there twice. They field teams with superstars like Ryan Braun, Zack Greinke, Ben Sheets Prince Fielder, Eric Gagne and CC Sabathia. Best of all, they aren't the Cubs so the idea of them winning the World Series seems plausible. If you like baseball teams because they might win the World Series, then the Brewers sure are a decent to average choice of baseball team to like!

Is that why we're watching though? Continue reading →


10
Jan 13

Vote Braun For Video Game Thing

Referenced.

Referenced.

Full disclosure - I'm not exactly a gamer. I tried playing Guitar Hero once before realizing it was nothing like playing a real guitar... which I also suck at playing. The only system I own is Super NES, and the only game I play on it is NBA Jam. And I haven't even played that in over two years.

This isn't to suggest that I'm in any way better than avid gamers out there. In fact, I'm probably much worse of a person than most gamers. Instead of stimulating my mind and honing my hand-eye coordination by funneling my past time into completing missions, willing a team to a division title, and launching pissed off avian creatures into a series of structures, I funnel my free time into shit like: drinking too much and too frequently, watching sports and comedy on TV, tweeting obscure '90s song references to my staggering 334 followers (and shrinking!), promoting my fairly unsuccessful novelty t-shirt business in a myriad of tasteless ways, singing songs I make up in the moment to my girlfriend's cat, eating foods I probably shouldn't, lamenting my lack of physical activity or income, and Internet porn. Video game obsession is cooler than at least four of those things.

Alas, it's too late for me to become a gamer in a world that's expanded beyond 16 bits. But that--mixed with the on-going absence of any worthwhile Brewers offseason news--won't keep me from campaigning for Ryan Braun, the face of Milwaukee (not counting that oddly alluring look of determination on Milverine's face when he's walking downtown) himself, to appear on the cover of PS3's MLB '13 The Show this season. The popular game is currently accepting votes for seven players on its ballot, and is taking votes through Friday night.

HEY YOU GUYS!!!

HEY YOU GUYS!!!

Though I'm personally more invested in getting new Brewer Tom Gorzelanny on the 30th anniversary edition cover of The Goonies, this video game honor would be awesome for Wisconsin sports. That is, it'd be awesome assuming there isn't some sort of weird curse associated with being the cover boy like with the Madden games or when Kirby lost his fortunate in that Ponzi scheme shortly after the release of Kirby's Dreamland 2. Though the Brewers get significantly more attention than the franchise did a decade ago, the (of late) perennially competitive team is often overlooked compared to much of the league. And the visual of Cardinals and Cubs fans having something with Braun's photo ever-present on their coffee tables all season long is too funny to pass up.

However, the vote isn't going Braun's way so far. Of the seven players up for vote, Braun sits a cool (drum roll) SEVENTH!!! Yikes. Sure, Braun's implicit (while withdrawn) connection to a banned substance, his awful shirt line, his polarizing on-field attitude, Milwaukee's small-ish market standing, and the fact that Braun indiscriminately clobbers pitching from all other teams are probably all factors taking votes away from him. But Braun is not even near the least appealing option up for video game immortality. Here are the others (along with current ranking)...

Andrew McCutchen - First Place
'Cutch is the type of player all fans could and should love. He can do it all, and he's quickly becoming a household name. If Braun can't win, I'm glad McCutchen might. Still, he's never led a team to the playoffs and he led no meaningful statistical category last season--two criteria of most cover stars.

Miguel Cabrera - Second Place
Great player. Big titties. He's the total package. Yet voting for some chubby fielding liability who plays for one of Earth's richest sports franchises to be on the cover of a video game is like writing a positive Yelp review of McDonald's.

CC Sabathia - Third Place
I take that back, if Braun can't win, I want CC to grace the game cover. Even with Yankees garb, every time I see Sabathia, I can't help but smile. He makes me think of the Wild Card run in 2008. Plus, even bigger/better moobs than Cabrarea.

Matt Kemp - Fourth Place
Matt Kemp is a wealthy and successful Los Angeles resident who used to bang Rihanna. He doesn't need anything else given to him. I hate the way life works.

Bryce Harper - Fifth Place
Have I mentioned that I hate the way life works? This cartoon character can't even drink legally (not that he would, being that he's Mormon) and he's financially set for life. Unless God actually exists and he opts to smite Harper for using a sinful amount of eyeblack, Bryce will be around the league until 2033, making the game I love a tad more annoying with every year that goes by. I don't need another place to see him right now. Save that for PS4 or impending Playstation/Wii combination system "The DP Station".

Buster Posey - Sixth Place
Sure, why not give Posey ANOTHER thing Braun deserves more? It worked so well with the MVP last year.

You can cast you vote HERE or by sending a tweet with the hashtag #MLB13BRAUN