Mar 09

Mornin. Mornin.

Cubs games now on Oxygen: I am not really sure what Micah Hoffpauir is doing nor do I want to.

Anthony Witrado continues to enjoy learning to write: Those plays are commonplace for Escobar, maybe the most exciting minor-league shortstop in the game, maybe the organization's most major-league-ready prospect, maybe the heir to J.J. Hardy's throne.

All Eric Gagne is dust in the wind: We'll miss you. We wanted to make fun of you more.

Do they even have birthdays in Latin America?: Vlad Guerrero is a year older, just like every other Latin American baseball player of all time.

Arroyo is no Viking: Bronson Arroyo throws a boat party with Pedro.

Maybe if you talk louder he will understand: Woman gets pissed at Jose Reyes for speaking Spanish. Personally, I'd be pissed about the whole "blowing it two years in a row" thing instead of the Spanish.

Mar 09

Who ya got in the WBC?

USA USA USA USA USAThe other day a friend of mine asked me who I was taking in the World Baseball Classic and I just looked at him with disgust and disdain and another negative word that starts with d. Is this even a serious question? I'm supposed to "pick" a favorite team to watch? Really?

The answer is no, I'm not and you're not. We already have a team. Unless you were born in Chinese Tapei or Korea or Australia or Canada, then you should be rooting for the United States of America. If you were born in Mexico or Dominican Republic or anywhere in that bracket and you live in America now, you should be rooting for the USA. Why? Because you left there to come here! To better your life! You owe us your cheers!

This isn't really something that is open to discussion with me and I quote the great Kenny Powers when I say:

"Sure, I've been called a xenophobe, but I'm not. I just think that America is the best country and all the other countries are not as good. That used to be called patriotism."

Yeah, what he said.

Not only that, but Ryan Braun is on Team USA! A-Rod isn't! What's not to like about this team? (Besides Adam Dunn, of course.) NOTHING! They're Americans! Proud, patriotic Americans playing America's game.

Now if America were to be eliminated I'd probably have to go with Japan just because of Ichiro, but if they were eliminated? I would actively cheer for this thing to be over so that the real season could start.

Home opener five weeks from today!

Mar 09

Artie Lange on Bob Uecker

Because if you want the best stories about Bob Uecker, you have to go to a proven drug addict who was fired from MadTV.

Mar 09

Is Tony Gwynn starting to panic or not?

I'm confused. The headline in the Journal Sentinel reads "Injured Gwynn isn't hitting panic button - yet". Then the first line of the article reads:

"I'm starting to panic," the Milwaukee Brewers centerfielder said Tuesday, looking up from his chair with honesty slathered on his face.

So, is he starting to panic or not?

Seconds later, realizing how brutally candid he had just been, Gwynn reeled that statement back and said he was more like "extremely concerned."

Try to relax though, Tony. If you can get healthy and make the team, you're set. You'll be the top pinch runner and late inning defensive replacement. If you can't, you're most likely to get picked up by your dad's Padres or a team that will actually give you a real live starting job, something you will never get with the Brewers unless two or three guys get hurt at once. So, take it easy TGJ. The world is your oyster.

Mar 09

Good morning, state I live in

Here's what you missed over the weekend while making up stories about contraction.

WBC apparently stands for We Bad at Catching: USA replaces terrible OF Brad Hawpe with terribler one in Adam Dunn.

It's still better than Pilot Inspektor: Matt Gamel has a kid, gives it old lady name.

This is like the plot of a Zac Efron movie: Craig Counsell is trying out a new stance because the one he used for the past 14 years wasn't getting it done.

I understand the Brewers made the playoffs last season?: Brewers set a sales record on Saturday.

Jim Bowden and Jose Rijo prepare for multi-state crime spree: We'll miss you, terrible General Manager guy.

I don't have a coffee table, just use this empty beer case: Ex-Brewers Head of Scouting invites Adrian Beltre to move in.

The missing piece of the puzzle added: Cubs fans can rejoice because their World Series drought is going to come to an end with the signing of Corey Koskie.

This time, I will pitch with my entire left leg covered in blood: Curt Schilling wants to be a hero and take another long suffering team to the World Series. Like the Cubs or the Rays. You know because the Rays have that curse that has lasted ten years. I called it "The Stocker".

CC and Joba break Woody, Buzz: Sabathia and Chamberlain checked out the new Toy Story ride at Disney World. That cart must be made out of adamantium if it can hold those two.

There was also some games of some sort, but I refuse to acknowledge them. The Brewers aren't the Brewers without Vinny Rottino and Mark DiFelice who are off representing their "country".