Category Archives: Baseball

Oh, Ryan

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Ryan Braun's douchtastic teesNot gonna lie, I spent most of my day yesterday drinking and watching a video about kittens. I guess that's the curse of spring training. There's stuff going on, but there is nothing really going on. It can get a little tiring, maybe not 82 year old wrestler killing his roommate tiring, but tiring nonetheless.

The top story on the official site (and many fan sites) is Ryan Braun's new line of clothing. Which is totally douchetastic if you ask me. Here's what Ryan thinks about it:

Braun hopes that its bright colors and friendlier graphics offer an answer to the dark, drab designs popular until now.

Because nothing says friendly like a bright red skull with a crown on it.

One of the investors in this project is the Affliction guy (shocking!) and those shirts legacy speaks for itself. The shirt pictured above is selling for $118 making me like people who wear them even less. I'm positive that this will have absolutely no effect on their likelihood to sell out at The Buckle.

Ryan Braun makes the case for ster-rod, steroids

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Adam M at the official Brewers site asked Ryan Braun and some other Brewers about the A-Rod situation. It's a good read although it's always disappointing when the best player on your team refers to Alex Rodriguez as his friend or mentor.

We will now take Ryan Braun's quotes and make our own interview in a segment we like to call, Real Answers - Fake Interview.

If A-Rod didn't do steroids, but was revealed to be a member of Al-Qaeda would you stand by him?

"I wouldn't just disassociate myself with somebody just because he made a mistake. I don't think anybody is perfect, and I don't think he's ever pretended to be perfect."

Ummm, have you ever even met A-Rod? He totally pretends to be perfect.

"It doesn't do me much good to say anything bad about anybody,"

What is the opposite of what A-Rod is going to do?

"come out, admit to everything and be completely honest. The situation will die a lot faster if he tells the whole truth."

That's funny. If A-Rod told you he really enjoyed the volleyball scene in Top Gun, what would you say?

"I don't know if I would say I was surprised,"

What about the rumors of A-Rod being a homosexual, any comment?

"I feel like it was so rampant, so prevalent in baseball during that time period that not much surprises me anymore. If anything, I was surprised he got caught, that it came out this long after he supposedly did it."

Would you sleep with Madonna?

"It's never something that I sought,"

Bud Selig says he wants to talk to you in private, do you do it?

"I would never do it because if I took steroids, I would hit 60 or 70 home runs."

You say that like it's a bad thing.

The Reliever starring Eric Gagne

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April 10th 2008. 6:30 PM. Top of the 8th inning. The Cubs and Brewers are tied 3-3.

[Eric Gagne starts to walk towards the bullpen door, but David Riske stops him.]

David Riske

DAVID RISKE: Eric, you don't have to do this. I'm here. I'm really here. What do you call that?

[Guns N' Roses "Welcome to the Jungle" starts to play.]

Eric Gagne

ERIC GAGNE: Hey, you hear that? This is where I belong. Gotta go.

[Eric Gagne exits the bullpen and heads towards the mound.]

David Riske

DAVID RISKE: (crying) No. Eric! ERICCCCCCCCCC!

Brewers Fans

FANS: (groan) Ugh.

[Gagne makes his way to the mound, but instead of throwing the customary warmup pitches he calls for a microphone.]

Eric Gagne

ERIC GAGNE: I just want to say to you all tonight I'm very grateful to be here. A lot of people told me that I'd never pitch again and that's all I do. You know, if you live hard and play hard and you burn the candle at both ends, you pay the price for it. You know in this life you can loose everything you love, everything that loves you. Now I don't hear as good as I used to and I forget stuff and I aint as pretty as I used to be but god damn it I'm still standing here and I'm a reliever. As times goes by, as times goes by, they say "he's washed up", "he's finished" , "he's a loser", "he's all through". You know what? The only one that's going to tell me when I'm through doing my thing is you people here.

Brewers Fans

FANS: (Lukewarm applause.)

[Eric Gagne gives up homerun on the first pitch.]

Eric Gagne is back!

ERIC GAGNE: I'm an old broken down piece of meat and I deserve to be all alone, I just don't want you to hate me.

kid-flipping-bird

FANS: BOOOO!

[throw trash]

[riot]

[get really drunk]

[fall asleep]

He’s back!

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Eric Gagne is back!I can honestly say I absolutely did not see this coming. Eric Gagne re-signed with the Brewers today on a minor league deal with incentives. Gagne had an absolutely horrible first half last year leading to the Brewers shutting him down with shoulder problems. When he came back healthy he was good, not $10 million good but valuable. He actually projects about the same or better than David Riske who will make more and not be as hated. I guess "Gagme" just rolls off the tongue easier.

To anyone hating this deal try to remember it could always be worse.