Whatever, I don't want to talk about it. I want to talk about beer, man. I love beer. It's so good and cold and makes you feel funny. It makes girls prettier and people think I'm funnier when I drink it. It makes $70 purchases at the team shop seem okay. I'm convinced that Ken Macha is drinking beer most of the time because I think using Corey Patterson in any situation would seem like a good idea if you were drinking beer. Beer is so cool.

The thing is I go to enough games that I know the best way to drink beer. The best places to get it and everything else. Here's a little guide about it.

Miller Park Drunk's Guide to Drinking Beer at Miller Park

Know your prices

Consider this, the beer sold at the food stations and the beer the vendors sell is $6.75 (MGD or Miller Lite) for 12 ounces. In an alternate universe (like say, Boston) this could probably be considered a good deal. However, what most people fail to realize is that the "beer only" vendors that are next to the food stations sell 16 ounce beers for $7.50. I did the math and you are paying $0.10 less per ounce. Not too shabby when you are drinking 15 of them.

I know that it's hard to get out of your seat or to make a second stop after getting an order of sweet, delicious cheese fries in a helmet, but it's worth your time. For the mathematically inclined 3-16=4-12 and extra $4.50 in your pocket. I feel like you guys should know these things.

Dank beer

We all know about the Leinie's sold throughout the stadium in the "specialty beer" locations. Their selection is decent, but it doesn't really do much for me. The more you look though, the more you can find. Friday's has the beer created specifically for me. Horny Goat is now available. Friday's Front Row has a wide selection of beers by New Glarus, Guiness, Labatt, lots of seasonal stuff, Hacker Pschor and others. There are some local Lakefront Brewery stuff around (at least I think they still are). If you can't find a beer you like, you don't like beer.

Cheapos

If you're really cheap, Friday's Front Row (outdoor, unsure about indoor) usually sells Old Style for the low price of $4.00 but I really don't recommend it. I'd hate to see you turn into Chad.

Seriously, if you're that cheap just drink MORE outside. The idea is to fill up so even if you want to drink more, you can't. It's awesome.

Drink (ir)responsibly

Designated drivers are your friends. Do them a favor and drink so much that you tell them you love them over and over with an outline of reasons why two of which shall be repeated over and over.

Miller Park Drunk's Guide To Hangovers

Wake Up

The morning is the worst part. You wake up and you think you have this wealth of energy because you pop right up and you have something like 15 thoughts running through your head at once. There is no way you are going back to sleep. You pour yourself some water, go to the bathroom, maybe turn on the TV. Everything is great right? Wrong. Pretty much from the second you drink that glass of water it's over. It hits you. You're exhausted, but you can't go back to sleep. You feel like absolute death. The weaker of us might even utter something like "Man, I am never drinking again!" Don't do this. Drinking is awesome.

Go through your text messages and call log

What you did last night will come back to haunt you, be prepared.

Shower

At this point your first thought is probably "I'll take a shower and feel much better" which is sound logic in theory. However, in my experience it never works out exactly how you plan it. No matter how awake you think you are you are better off going back to bed and just laying there. I don't know much about science, but there is something scientific at play when you get in the shower with a hangover. Something about combining pulsating water with the leftover shots in your stomach leads to serious trouble. Nobody likes to throw up. Throwing up in the shower? Awful.

Turn on the TV

It is now time to veg out. You should have drank at least 14 glasses of water by now and have one close by your side. It's time to watch TV. There are a lot of options but I personally think there are only two real options.

Show that requires absolutely no brain to watch: Can't ever go wrong here. Solid choices include: Cops, Blind Date, anything on E!, VH1 or MTV, Degrassi: The Next Generation, Fresh Prince reruns. You honestly have an endless supply of options. The idea is to skip anything to make you think. Don't even think about turning on MLB Network or the game replay from the night before. You will get a headache trying to grasp the strikes/balls/outs and your headache is bad enough as it is. There are way too many numbers in baseball for a hungover person to properly deal with.

Movie you have seen entirely way too many times: This is my choice, every time. Do you know how many times I've seen Real Genius? In the past month alone? I could tell you, but you'd probably think I was an alcoholic. Put it this way, I have a text in my phone that reads "Stop watching Real Genius!!!" Watching a movie you've never seen before probably isn't a good idea because it makes you think. What's going to happen next? How will this end? You don't want to do that. So unless the movie is Fast & Furious you want to stick with something you know that won't surprise you and makes you feel good.

Eat

Now that you are settled in watching TV you are probably going to get hungry. Do you want to cook something? Hell no, you don't. Do you want to go out and get something? Put it this way I've spilled full glasses of water on the carpet during a hangover and not moved an inch. You think I'm getting up and going to Subway? Give me a break. There's only one option remaining: delivery. God's gift to drunk people. Sure, I could drive 5 minutes, get the same food for $10 less and not have to tip but then I would have to drive for 5 minutes and that is completely unacceptable. Hello, Dominos? I usually skip the pizza and go for the wings and garlic cheesy bread. Why even pretend you want to eat good? Just dive right into it.

Seriously think about it for a minute. The average beer has about 96 calories per 12 ounces. It normally takes 10 or more beers for me to get a hangover. We're recommended 2000 calories a day to be "average". When you throw in breakfast, lunch and whatever I eat at the ballpark I am somewhere between 7 and 80,000 calories. I don't think I need to be counting cals today. Bring me a Coke while you're at it, nothing tastes better than Coke at this point.

Take a nap

After eating the equivalent of your left leg, this shouldn't be a problem.

Start drinking

Here's my normal routine. After watching TV, eating and then taking a nap. I feel somewhat refreshed, but not quite 100%. So I grab a beer and head to the shower. You may think this is crazy, but it makes perfect sense. Water is hot. Beer is cold. It's like drinking outside in the summer, only at home! Depending on how I feel sometimes I will take two beers and make the shower extra long. That's a good day. After this you should be ready to head out for another day of fun. (This is why the Brewers should stop playing that Thursday day game. Instead of a day game the last game of the series, they should make the day game the first game of the series. Honestly, I'd love to go to two games in a row but it's just not possible when they are scheduling a game 11 hours after bar time.)

[Deadspin]

Top of the 5th: 2 LOB
Top of the 6th: 1 LOB
Top of the 7th: 3 LOB
Top of the 8th: 0 LOB
Top of the 9th: 1 LOB

The one inning in which they didn't leave any on base ended with Jason Kendall getting caught stealing. Yes, that Jason Kendall. Let me tell you what I know about Jason Kendall.

Jason Kendall specifically selected his at-bat song to scare little kids.

Jason Kendall has 170 steals in his career, but

Speed declines with age and

Jason Kendall turns 35 in two months.

I am not one to pile on Jason Kendall. There are other blogs that do that, this is not one of them. I just don't expect much from the catcher position. He's a perfectly acceptable placeholder until Salome or whoever else is ready to take over. He knows the staff and plays good defense. Maybe Rivera should play a bit more, but overall he's fine. I will say this.

Ken Macha should know that the only way Jason Kendall steals that base is if Jason Kendall is the one trying to throw him out. That was a terrible, ridiculous idea. I understand that you don't like Jason Kendall, that doesn't mean that you can embarass the poor guy on television. Quit tweeting and lock it up.

Thus far this season the Brewers have 7 steals and have been caught 7 times. That is not a recipe for success. Jason Kendall trying to steal bases? RECIPE FOR TOTAL FAILURE.

So here's the new rule. You are not allowed to attempt to steal if you are a 35 year old white catcher or wear the #28. Everyone else? Green light. Consider me your coach of common sense.

To Bong or Not to Bong?: A guide to getting drunk

"Luther said I could learn some things from you. I already know how to drink" - The Sting

Of course you know how to drink. I wouldn't doubt it for a second. You've probably never had too much to drink and thrown up. Or said something you shouldn't have. Fell down, been thrown out of a bar, attempted a backflip or chewed your arm off to get away from a girl you woke up next to. You've probably never kissed a dude because you thought it would be funny or split your pants or threw up at a bar ON the bar. You know how to drink, you wouldn't do these things.

Here's the thing, I have. I've done all those things. I have done more stupid things while I was drunk then pretty much everyone you've ever met. I've ruined more relationships, spilled more tequilla on myself, sent more regrettable texts and had more heads shaken at me (oh, you) than my entire readership combined. Is this something I'm proud of? Of course not. I wish I could drink like a normal person and do normal things. I wish I had more than three readers. It's just that when I drink I am fairly certain that I can do a standing backflip and will later have to throw up. These things happen. So while you may think you know how to drink, I'm going to tell you how NOT to drink at Opening Day. It's my pleasure, really.

DON'T DO SHOTS

Why? Because if I can't do them neither can you. This is actually a mandated rule from my friends and honestly, I'm okay with it. See, the whole point of going to a baseball game is to have a good time and watch some baseball. When you involve shots you have a good time, but there's a damn good chance that you don't watch some baseball. You end up in Friday's Front Row doing more shots for like $11/shot. Don't do that. Watch the game.

DRINK BEER, STUPID

This isn't really a rule. You can drink what you want, but trust me you are better off. There's going to be enough idiots drunk off liquor at the park that day.

TO BONG OR NOT TO BONG?

I have thought long and hard about this question and it is probably the reason this particular guide has taken me a long time. After long thoughtful deliberation the answer is... yes. There is nothing wrong with taking a beer bong, per se. It's just that things could happen to you when you do them. You could get too drunk and black out, miss the game. Which is the overwhelming point of this post, get as drunk as you want to but try to remember you are at a baseball game and the point of it is to watch baseball. So here's what I say: don't drink any more bongs than you normally drink and if you don't normally do bongs like if you are a 47 yeard old soccer mom trying to let loose to for a day don't do any more than two. Got it? We don't need a Metrodome type situation here.

JUST SHUT UP ALREADY

I've done a lot of silly things in my life while drinking, but one thing I've never done is act like a complete idiot at a game (okay, maybe once). One time I went to a Brewers/Cubs games with a buddy of mine and the Cubs took a rather commanding lead and he just absolutely flipped out. Screaming at his friends, trying to fight Cubs fans, spilling beer to the point that he had to leave. I couldn't believe it. This was a rather mild mannered person driven completely insane by a loss and alcohol. Don't be like that. At the end of the day it's only 1 of 162 and no matter what happens they'll be back to play another day.

Besides, if you played your cards right you still got a lot more drinking to do.