14
Jan 14

Meet Bernie Brewer’s new best friend: Clark

The Chicago Cubs unveiled their unBEARably cute new mascot this week and his name is Clark and He Is Adorable. No, seriously, I was going to write this thing making fun of them for having this kid friendly new mascot, but then I saw this picture:

Cubs_Mascot_Baseball_Gasp_t653And I fell in love. Seriously, he's like a grown up Teddy Ruxpin. I just want to put tapes into his back and have him read me bedtime stories forever. When it's really cold out I want to curl up next to him and have him take me with him into hibernation land where our dreams will come alive and we will ride unicorns into rainbows. He's the sweetest, most cuddliest mascot I have ever seen.  He's like Bango if Bango worked for a professional sports team. The Cubs really nailed it on this one and I were the Brewers I'd really be worried about losing fans who only liked the team because of Bernie Brewer because Clark makes Bernie look like... well, the Brewers. Continue reading →


18
Nov 11

Sveum As It Ever Was

After a fairly short and not-at-all arduous ordeal that found the new Cubs figureheads parting ways with an alopecia-afflicted puppet skipper they had no part in hiring, then not interviewing Ryne Sandberg, Chicago has finally settled on its 52nd manager.

Introducing the newest skipper of the Chicago Cubs...

This guy.

I can say with unabashed honesty that I am very happy for Dale Sveum. Personally, seeing players with ties to the Brewers find success (even outside Milwaukee) gives my heart a bunch of little boners. An aside: Julio Franco was referenced on a Sklar Brothers Web series from 2007. He was a Brewer for about a month and a half! Titz!

Anyway, no matter the dugout he's in charge of, you can't deny this opportunity is a tremendous one for Sveum. It's a shame his departure came mere days after I'd learned the U before E except after SV rule. But, really, that's more my fault than Dale's. Despite the guarantee that he will never win a World Series now, I think this is an amazing first (non-interim) managerial gig for Sveumer. Additionally, I feel Dale is going to do well in the position. I wish him all the best with the Cubs (when they're playing the Cardinals).

With Dale holding a special place in the nostalgic '80s-obsessed hearts of Brew Crew faithful, I'm sure most fans share my positive wishes. But there's undoubtedly a grassroots faction of dimwitted fans out there who are now brimming with blind rage at the apparent betrayal of a guy originally from California accepting a significant promotion to lead a franchise which regards the Brewers to be its third or fourth biggest rival. Fortunately, I doubt any of those types read this site... though, admittedly, I don't read the comments. But if any of you (now) Dale Sveum haters mistakenly happened upon this site while looking for Hotchickswithdogswithboners.com, I've taken the liberty to link it for you. But before you check out those sweet babes and gross red rockets, feel free to peruse some reasons you, like the rest of us, shouldn't give a shit about Dale Sveum's new career.

Continue reading →


26
Aug 11

9 Simple Rules For Dating A Cubs Fan

There was a long period of time in my life where I actually wanted to be "the" Miller Park Drunk. It wasn't just going to be a clever name for me, it was going to be a lifestyle. I wanted to go to as many games as I possibly could, drink and eat as much as I could at those games and then wake up around noon hungover to write about my adventures on this site. That was the goal. Work hard in the winter and spend my summer drunk at Miller Park. It wouldn't be an easy thing to pull off, but I wanted to try because if there is one thing I love in this world more than myself this site and the Brewers it was being "the" Miller Park Drunk.

Last season I went to over 20 games and was drunk at many of them. I ate lots of good food at all of them. The Brewers won a few and lost a few more. I had great times and culminated the year with basically the best tailgate party ever, the Pants Party, that featured a pants-less keg stand by yours truly. I was doing it. I was living the MPD Lifestyle. The dream was becoming a reality, but that was last year and last year is over. This year? I've only been to one game.

Let that sink in for a second. The self proclaimed Miller Park Drunk has only been to one game and he only had like two beers at it. How did this happen? Why did this happen? How could this happen? Is the integrity of our universe in stable condition? Am I okay? Is this why I hardly update the site anymore? The answer to all of these questions isn't as bad as you may think it is. It's rather simple in fact, the reason that I stopped living the MPD Lifestyle is because I got a girlfriend. A girlfriend who was a Cubs fan. Continue reading →


08
Apr 11

Chicago Cubs season preview

The season is just around the corner here and the Milwaukee Brewers are currently one of the favorites in the NL Central, but that doesn't mean it's a sure thing. There are still five other teams that want the title who will be fighting for it all season. Do they have a shot? That's what we're going to find out as we work with fans from other teams to figure out how everything is going to play out and exactly what it is we're dealing with. That's right it's the 2011 NL Central Previews!

Today's Guest: Chad Trixie aka Wrigley Field Drunk

SUP BROS and BRO-ETTES?

It's been awhile, but I couldn't let a Chicago Cubs season preview be written at this god forsaken site without me being a part of it. I know the way that d-bag editor of this site likes to do things, but not on my watch pal!

Before we get to the Chicago Cubs I'd like to talk about myself for a moment. You see, a lot has changed since you last heard from me. For one, I got married. A beautiful girl from Deerfield named Trixie. Yeah, I know, Trixie Trixie crazy right? We met at a bar (where else?) and had this one really awesome night. We did like six or seven Jager bombs and then I drove her home to my place where we got freaky. I lasted like ten minutes, it was awesome. Then I didn't see her for three months and she ends up calling me out of the blue talking about how she wants to get back together and how I was the best lover she ever had and how she wants her kids to look like me and how, oh by the way, she's pregnant. So I was like "oh I like you too" and "are you sure it's mine?" And she's like "of course, you're the only one I've been with" and I was all like "pssh yeah right", but eventually it all worked out and we got married. It was a pretty sweet wedding. Not as good as the bachelor party which was frickin' bonkers, bro. (Four words: triple lapdance in Vegas. INSANE.) The honeymoon was all right, but would have been a lot better if she wasn't all fat and shit. I mean I know it's like my baby in there, but do some situps or something. Jeez.

Yeah so anyways, married with one on the way. Crazy right?

I haven't really had that much time for the Cubs with all this stuff going on. Most of my free time is spent at the titty bar or just drinking with my bros. When I'm home Trixie always wants to watch Dancing With the Stars or American Idol and I'm not really with that. We do watch Jersey Shore together, natch. GTL bro! I've just really been into the Bears and the strike and everything, really. I went to the Bears/Seahawks game in January and me and my bros totally beat this Seahawks fan's ass. It was awesome. But I talked to a couple of my bros about the Cubs and they told me some things, so here's my preview of the Cubbies 2011 season. Continue reading →


13
Sep 10

MPD Book Review: How to Finish Near Last Place with the Highest Payroll in the League

When the press release for Jim Hendry's new book How to Finish Near Last Place with the Highest Payroll in the League was first circulated through the Miller Park press box this past weekend it was widely thought to be a hoax by someone attempting to be funny and probably not an all together good attempt at that. So imagine our surprise when in our inbox we received a copy of the new book for review. It's not nearly long (or good) enough to write a lengthy review on and at times we had trouble reading the Comic Sans font the book was written in, but it is... interesting and is probably the closest we'll ever get to an "inside view" of the general manager position by an acting (for now) GM.

The book opens with a foreword by Lou Piniella that starts off nice enough thanking Jim Hendry for the opportunity to write for the foreword and also to manage Cubs, but after about two sentences it quickly devolves into an airing of grievances against everyone in baseball who has ever slighted him. By the last paragraph every sentence is typed in all-caps with multiple profanities interlaced within. The foreword ends, tellingly perhaps, with Piniella writing:

AND F*CK YOU TOO STEVE STONE LETS SEE YOU MANAGE A F*CKING TEAM.

HOPE YOU ENJOY THE  F*CKING BOOK, BUT I'M NOT GONNA F*CKING READ IT.

Surprisingly when Hendry takes over the book doesn't change very much in tone from Piniella's foreword. Each chapter addresses a common complaint among fans about his work with an impassioned defense of the move followed by a "summary" of the point he was trying to make. While it may sound unnecessary, it is very helpful as Hendry has trouble making his points and often loses sight of the original topic by going into tangents about those "a-holes in the bleachers" and various local radio DJs.

I won't spoil all of the summaries, but I will cover a few of the ones that were leaked in the press release. Continue reading →