Introducing the newest skipper of the Chicago Cubs...

This guy.

I can say with unabashed honesty that I am very happy for Dale Sveum. Personally, seeing players with ties to the Brewers find success (even outside Milwaukee) gives my heart a bunch of little boners. An aside: Julio Franco was referenced on a Sklar Brothers Web series from 2007. He was a Brewer for about a month and a half! Titz!

Anyway, no matter the dugout he's in charge of, you can't deny this opportunity is a tremendous one for Sveum. It's a shame his departure came mere days after I'd learned the U before E except after SV rule. But, really, that's more my fault than Dale's. Despite the guarantee that he will never win a World Series now, I think this is an amazing first (non-interim) managerial gig for Sveumer. Additionally, I feel Dale is going to do well in the position. I wish him all the best with the Cubs (when they're playing the Cardinals).

With Dale holding a special place in the nostalgic '80s-obsessed hearts of Brew Crew faithful, I'm sure most fans share my positive wishes. But there's undoubtedly a grassroots faction of dimwitted fans out there who are now brimming with blind rage at the apparent betrayal of a guy originally from California accepting a significant promotion to lead a franchise which regards the Brewers to be its third or fourth biggest rival. Fortunately, I doubt any of those types read this site... though, admittedly, I don't read the comments. But if any of you (now) Dale Sveum haters mistakenly happened upon this site while looking for Hotchickswithdogswithboners.com, I've taken the liberty to link it for you. But before you check out those sweet babes and gross red rockets, feel free to peruse some reasons you, like the rest of us, shouldn't give a shit about Dale Sveum's new career.

He owes nothing to the Milwaukee Brewers or its fans

Sure, Sveum started his career in Milwaukee. After five so-so seasons with the Brewers, he was traded to the Phillies on December 11, 1991 (a couple weeks short of 20 years ago, for those of you scoring at home) for none other than pitcher Bruce Ruffin. While Ruffin went on to 1-6 record and career low 6.67 ERA during his single Brewers season before wrapping up his shitballing career with the Rockies, Sveum played for six more teams in his eight remaining seasons. Other than being drafted by/spending a good deal of his career in Milwaukee, Sveum is as much a Brewer as he is a member of the Pirates, Mariners, Phillies, Yankees, Athletics or White Sox. And that's not even counting his near 4-month stint in the Diamondbacks minor league system.

How dare he dare wear another team's uniform after Milwaukee had the decency to employ him for a while before trading him to another team to get a bad pitcher! The audacity!

He was never going to be Milwaukee's manager again

Sveum got his shot in 2008 when the Yostmaster general was given millions of dollars to not manage in 2009 thrown on his ass 150 games in the season. He went 7-5 to close out the year and, mostly thanks to a massive Mets bedshitting, led the team into the playoffs before Philly ousted Milwaukee in, like, 5 seconds. Wait... Sveum also played for the Phillies, too! Inside job?

Conspiracy theories aside, he was then passed over in 2009-10 when the team, instead, ushered in the extended flu-nap that was the Ken Macha era (in which he was also demoted from the bench coach role he'd held under Yost). Then he was passed over for Ron Roenicke last off season. Would it have been nice to have that guy who was a part-time player for various forgettable Brewers teams? Yeah, sure. Was it going to happen? Never.

You would totally manage the Cubs if you had the chance

In my nanoseconds of research (I asked Jeeves to Dogpile it using Lycos), I could not locate the exact financial details of Sveum's 3-year contract, but I assure you that it's well over the salary he pulled in to tell Craig Counsell to stop closing his eyes when he swung all of last year. More over, I have no doubt Dale's deal is for exponentially more than you and I make. I buy Roundy's cottage cheese (and everything else) for Christ's sake! I suck at life, but if I was cunning enough to somehow fool a major league team that wasn't the Brewers to make me their manager, I'd do it so fast. Even the Cubs. And I'd try to do well in the role (even against the Brewers) to guarantee me more of that sweet money, notoriety and (assuredly non-Roundy's brand) clubhouse foodstuffs. I'd stuff so many bags of peanuts and cans of sugar free Redbulls into my travel bag.

Seriously, you'd manage the Cubs

If you're saying you wouldn't do it, you're either not very wise, you're already rich/famous/knee deep in milfy roadbeef on the reg and are insanely loyal to the Brewers, or know in your heart of hearts that this will never happen to you and you want to sound super devoted to a team who doesn't know you exist. You would manage the Cubs. You would even manage the Cubs low-A affiliate.

Sveum leaving has absolutely NO impact on the Brewers

Though I want to believe the tutelage and unmatched wisdom of a career .236 hitter had an impact on Ryan Braun's success, is in anyway responsible for Prince Fielder breaking numerous team records and Yuniesky Betancourt popping out in the most frustrating scenarios, they were not. I'm sure he imparted some sage and sound advice to the various youngsters (and Mark Kotsay) in the clubhouse during his time as hitting coach, but the role of a hitting coach is basically striving - and usually failing - to give a bunch of dudes enough tips to help them fail only seven of every 10 times at the plate opposed to the unacceptable eight of 10.

This isn't said to minimize Sveum's coaching ability in any way, as he obviously said the right things to impress a respected GM enough to get a manager offer. Rather, it's because the position of a hitting coach is a largely pointless one. Just watch: Next season, Nyjer Morgan will still pop up bunts from time to time, Braun will still be the best player who's ever lived, Casey McGehee may or may not have a bounceback campaign, and even when a C cap-wearing Dale Sveum is in the Miller Park visitor's dugout next summer, the Cubs will still be a terrible and cobbled together team reeling from a cluster of terrible contacts.

So don't be mad, bros. Literally nothing has changed.

Last season I went to over 20 games and was drunk at many of them. I ate lots of good food at all of them. The Brewers won a few and lost a few more. I had great times and culminated the year with basically the best tailgate party ever, the Pants Party, that featured a pants-less keg stand by yours truly. I was doing it. I was living the MPD Lifestyle. The dream was becoming a reality, but that was last year and last year is over. This year? I've only been to one game.

Let that sink in for a second. The self proclaimed Miller Park Drunk has only been to one game and he only had like two beers at it. How did this happen? Why did this happen? How could this happen? Is the integrity of our universe in stable condition? Am I okay? Is this why I hardly update the site anymore? The answer to all of these questions isn't as bad as you may think it is. It's rather simple in fact, the reason that I stopped living the MPD Lifestyle is because I got a girlfriend. A girlfriend who was a Cubs fan.

*RECORD SCRATCH*

It's true, but I dated a full fledged Cubs fan. She had all these blue clothes and this one time, this is true I swear, she did the thing where you paint the Cubs logo on your face. In real life she did that! We went to a couple of Brewers/Cubs games and I will always remember giving her the strangest look as she rooted for the wrong team. Did she not know who I was or something? Why was this girl who I had deep emotional feelings for acting like Carlos Marmol coming in for the save was a good thing? Why was she singing that fucking song after my team just lost? Did she hate me? Did she want to break up? Why was she so drunk? It was a crazy experience, but I have no regrets. In fact, without my experiences there is no way that I could possibly have delivered you this:

MPD's Guide to Dating a Cubs Fan

RULE #1: Don't talk about baseball.

Here's what Cubs fans know about baseball:

1. The Cubs are awesome.
2. Everyone else sucks.
3. They'll get 'em next year.

That's it. That's the whole list. So if you ever talk about baseball with your Cubs fan girlfriend don't be surprised if it goes like this.

"Who do the Cubs play today?
"The Giants."
"Oh, the Giants suck."
"You realize the Cubs are bad this year, right? And the Giants won the World Series?"
"We'll get 'em next year."

WASH. RINSE. REPEAT. FOREVER.

RULE #2: Never, ever say anything bad about Kerry Wood.

You know how with women there are certain things you shouldn't comment on like their weight, their bad haircut or the sluts you hooked up with before you started dating? If you're dating a Cubs fan make sure you add Kerry Wood to that list of things you don't talk about. That man is a saint in Chicago. I'm not exactly sure why even, I think it has something to do with him being the only person who ever actually liked playing in Chicago, but you are better off just forgetting his name. Trust me. I am talking about my girlfriend in the past tense for a reason.

RULE #3: Don't let them give you blog ideas.

In retrospect maybe the posts "Give Carlos Zambrano A Break" and "I Wish The Brewers Would Sign Derrek Lee" were a mistake.

RULE #4: Statistics don't matter. Looks do.

You remember in Moneyball when they were all like "We're building a baseball team, not selling blue jeans!"? Being a Cubs fan is just like that, but the opposite. They are only selling blue jeans. Winning does not matter as long as you are losing with cute guys. Derrek Lee hit like a pitcher last season, but it didn't matter to my girlfriend because she thought of him when we were alone together. Starlin Castro may be the best Cubs prospect ever, but it doesn't matter because he looks like Bruno frickin' Mars and nobody wants to think of Bruno Mars when they are alone with someone.

(Do they? God, that'd be awful if people did.If I hear that Marry Me song one more time I am going to marry a bullet to my brain. What is with kids these days? I am so out of touch.)

RULE #5: It doesn't matter who they play.

Here's a little secret about Cubs games that makes me insanely jealous: it doesn't matter who the Cubs are playing. When you want to be a nice guy and take your girlfriend to a Cubs game you should realize that she doesn't have any clue that the Saturday game against the Cardinals is a better game to go to than the Thursday night game against the Nationals. She just wants to go to a Cubs game. Cubs fans don't go to games because they want to see baseball, they go to Cubs games because they want to say they went to a Cubs games. It's a rite of passage for them like "hey, I'm a fan. I went to a game this year." It's a membership card they have to keep renewing once a summer at Wrigley Field. It doesn't matter what game, it only matters that the game existed in our reality.

RULE #6: Leave her at home.

Remember, you're the Brewers fan here not her. She doesn't need to go to every single game with you. You'll have plenty of time for boyfriend/girlfriend alone stuff later. Go to the game and have a good time. You don't need a girlfriend telling you "Four brats is enough dear." You need a friend who'll say "I bet you can't eat six." Go with your friends and have a good time. It's what Miller Park is all about.

RULE #7: Take them to Brewers games when they aren't playing the Cubs.

My girlfriend was at the Pants Party last year. Did you hear one word out of her about the Cubs? Of course not, everyone knows that a woman is to be seen and not heard. (KIDDING KIDDING KIDDING PLEASE I AM SORRY OKAY I WAS JUST KIDDING I MAKE JOKES OKAY)

No, the reason you didn't hear her talk about the Cubs at the Pants Party is because she loved me. If they were playing the Cubs that'd be one thing, but the Cubs didn't exist when we were in our Brewer world. She would wear a Brewers shirt and root alongside me and we'd go home happy. When the Cubs are out of sight they are out of mind. It's the best thing.

RULE #8: Always be yourself.

Not trying to get too "inside baseball" here, but the truth is that when you stop being yourself you stop being someone that people like to spend time with. Being "the" Miller Park Drunk all the time was a stupid goal and I've changed in a way where that isn't what I want to do anymore, but that doesn't mean that I want to stop having great times at Brewers games. That doesn't mean I should just stop tailgating altogether. That doesn't make any sense. MPD is a part of who I am.

Do what makes you happy and hopefully the other person does the same for themselves. Happy people make great couples.

RULE #9: Don't feed them after midnight.

You're probably thinking "lol is MPD saying that Cubs fans are like gremlins or sumthin?" and yes, that is EXACTLY what I am saying. The rules exist for a reason. Follow them.

Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go listen to this song on repeat for a few hours now.

FIRST PLACE!

The season is just around the corner here and the Milwaukee Brewers are currently one of the favorites in the NL Central, but that doesn't mean it's a sure thing. There are still five other teams that want the title who will be fighting for it all season. Do they have a shot? That's what we're going to find out as we work with fans from other teams to figure out how everything is going to play out and exactly what it is we're dealing with. That's right it's the 2011 NL Central Previews!

Today's Guest: Chad Trixie aka Wrigley Field Drunk

SUP BROS and BRO-ETTES?

It's been awhile, but I couldn't let a Chicago Cubs season preview be written at this god forsaken site without me being a part of it. I know the way that d-bag editor of this site likes to do things, but not on my watch pal!

Before we get to the Chicago Cubs I'd like to talk about myself for a moment. You see, a lot has changed since you last heard from me. For one, I got married. A beautiful girl from Deerfield named Trixie. Yeah, I know, Trixie Trixie crazy right? We met at a bar (where else?) and had this one really awesome night. We did like six or seven Jager bombs and then I drove her home to my place where we got freaky. I lasted like ten minutes, it was awesome. Then I didn't see her for three months and she ends up calling me out of the blue talking about how she wants to get back together and how I was the best lover she ever had and how she wants her kids to look like me and how, oh by the way, she's pregnant. So I was like "oh I like you too" and "are you sure it's mine?" And she's like "of course, you're the only one I've been with" and I was all like "pssh yeah right", but eventually it all worked out and we got married. It was a pretty sweet wedding. Not as good as the bachelor party which was frickin' bonkers, bro. (Four words: triple lapdance in Vegas. INSANE.) The honeymoon was all right, but would have been a lot better if she wasn't all fat and shit. I mean I know it's like my baby in there, but do some situps or something. Jeez.

Yeah so anyways, married with one on the way. Crazy right?

I haven't really had that much time for the Cubs with all this stuff going on. Most of my free time is spent at the titty bar or just drinking with my bros. When I'm home Trixie always wants to watch Dancing With the Stars or American Idol and I'm not really with that. We do watch Jersey Shore together, natch. GTL bro! I've just really been into the Bears and the strike and everything, really. I went to the Bears/Seahawks game in January and me and my bros totally beat this Seahawks fan's ass. It was awesome. But I talked to a couple of my bros about the Cubs and they told me some things, so here's my preview of the Cubbies 2011 season.

We got Garza which is pretty tight. Zambrano looks to be back to his old self. I just hope he doesn't attack any Gatorade bottles or anything, lol. Dempster is still like one of the coolest bros to ever pitch for the Cubs ever. I love that guy. And we got Wood back! Had to pull my old "We Got Wood" shirt out and everything. Our pitching should be sick.

The lineup on the other hand is kinda wack. Colvin, Soriano (worst hitter ever), Soto and Byrd are alright, but the rest is wack. Fukodome what a waste of yen that guy was. And what the hell is Blake Dewitt doing here? Where did Theriot go? The Cards? Like wtf, man. Jim Hendry needs to get his priorities in check.

The biggest move the Cubs made is prolly replacing Lou Piniella with Mark Quade. I like Quade. He reminds me of my uncle Rick who gave me my first beer when I was 9. He was like "don't act like an idiot and don't tell your mom, just be cool" and I drank like three of his Old Styles and passed out playing F-Zero. That's Quade, man. He says just go out there and do your thing and let's the guys do it. He's the guy for the job, bro.

I'm not really sure if this team has what it takes to make it to the playoffs, but that doesn't really matter because my kid is due around that time and that's right when Bears season starts. (FINGERS CROSSED!) It's gonna be pretty busy so unless the Cubs win like 100 games I don't really care.

The book opens with a foreword by Lou Piniella that starts off nice enough thanking Jim Hendry for the opportunity to write for the foreword and also to manage Cubs, but after about two sentences it quickly devolves into an airing of grievances against everyone in baseball who has ever slighted him. By the last paragraph every sentence is typed in all-caps with multiple profanities interlaced within. The foreword ends, tellingly perhaps, with Piniella writing:

AND F*CK YOU TOO STEVE STONE LETS SEE YOU MANAGE A F*CKING TEAM.

HOPE YOU ENJOY THE  F*CKING BOOK, BUT I'M NOT GONNA F*CKING READ IT.

Surprisingly when Hendry takes over the book doesn't change very much in tone from Piniella's foreword. Each chapter addresses a common complaint among fans about his work with an impassioned defense of the move followed by a "summary" of the point he was trying to make. While it may sound unnecessary, it is very helpful as Hendry has trouble making his points and often loses sight of the original topic by going into tangents about those "a-holes in the bleachers" and various local radio DJs.

I won't spoil all of the summaries, but I will cover a few of the ones that were leaked in the press release.

On why he signed Milton Bradley:

Because he had a .999 OPS the year before. How was I supposed to know that he was f*cking crazy?

On why he released Casey McGehee:

Did you see the way he celebrated our 2008 division title? He acted like he was frickin' Derrick Lee when he didn't even do anything for us that year. Besides, how was I supposed to know he'd end up being better than Aramis? I'm not Nostra-f*cking-damus.

On hiring Dave Littlefield:

Three words: Ramirez/Lofton trade. I owed him.

And these were some of the nicer responses. I won't even print the answer to the chapter titled "Why I signed players to long-term contracts with limited trade options!" Just know that it includes an f-word, the phrase "your mother" and a c-word. You figure it out.

The book follows the same criticism-defense-summary formula for a whopping 58 chapters until the final chapter which is titled "At least I didn't trade for any rapists, sodomizers or rapists/sodomizers and then throw members of my staff under the bus" which is clearly meant as a low blow to media darling general manager Jack Zduriencik's recent controversy. I found the chapter tasteless and completely uncalled for, (but true.)

Despite the sheer amount of chapters it's not very long or all that well-written with numerous spelling and grammatical errors. How do you get members of your own team's names wrong?

Still, it remains an interesting read for anyone interested in what it's like to be the general manager of a major league baseball team. Even if that team is the Chicago Cubs.

It is said that looking into Derrek Lee's eyes will reveal your future. Unfortunately, the Cubs future is always the same.

Let's make Tyler Colvin make a stupid face. No, let's make Tyler Colvin make a stupid face and put a red pepper right in front of his nose! Yeah, it's not like he's our most marketable player or anything.

Hi, I'm Koyie Hill. No, I don't know why I am on the cover of this either.

Hey, let's get Fukudome in there and give him some chopsticks. Get it? Because he's Asian!

It's-a me, Dempster! I hope-a you like a spicy meatball!

You know who we should put on this cover? Alfonso Soriano. I know he's routinely booed at Wrigley Field and he still has four years and almost $70 million left on his untradeable contract, but still. I feel like he should be on there. Maybe something with a lime? He is Dominican, you know. Those people love limes.

I figured so what if he's had a few anger issues? He apologized; Carlos should hold the knife.

Just look at Ted Lilly; he just looks like he's going to be traded to the Dodgers by the time this book comes out.

Two catchers? Really?

Seriously, Dempster is such a douche.