We've reached that point in the offseason where there's not much to write about. Well, the Brewers offseason moves up to this point (or lack thereof) haven't given us much fodder either, and it's not like we capitalized on writing something the few times a post was warranted... like that clutch Kelvim Escobar inking. But this post-Winter Meetings, pre-Spring Training late January lull is an especially brutal time to be a baseball fan of any team--especially a team being connected to remaining free agent names like Kyle Lohse (actually, that'd be kind of awesome at the right price) and the ghost of Lyle Overbay.
So we'll just take a detour from potential transactions and, instead, cover important periphery items in MPD's coverage area such as bad Brewers songs from two or three years ago and the most passionate, popular and attractive Brewers fan (excluding "The Maniac") selling her van.
That's right creeps, Front Row Amy is selling her van. The ol' girl has a lot of mileage, probably doesn't have much tread left on the tires, seems to have had a few body repairs along the way and is getting up there in years. And her 2005 Honda Odyssey has its issues too.
The vehicle has 126,450 miles, most of which were likely logged driving to and from Miller Park. But it features heated leather seats (which could probably be torn out and fashioned into some sort of gimp outfit so serve as some insane tribute with relative ease). The listing also boasts tinted windows and a rear entertainment system, so you can watch Brewers home games alone in a secluded location and truly feel the full unspoken connection that you and the van's only previous owner share... a connection that your friends, your estranged wife and concerned former co-workers will never even begin to understand BUT NOBODY WILL EVER UNDERSTAND YOU LIKE SHE DOES, GOD DAMMIT!!!
It also has cup holders, GPS and dual climate control. Nice features!
So if have an extra $11,900 laying around and you're hoping to bring your fandom of Brewers super fan regional semi-celebrity Front Row Amy to the next level, now is your time to strike... I mean, buy.
And for those of you who aren't obsessive weirdos and are just looking for a dependable van with a bunch of sweet extras, check it out.
I've been holding this one in my back pocket until former Brewers pop-up machine Yuniesky Betancourt tricked another team into signing him or, worse yet, was taken back by the Brewers. Fortunately, the Phillies fell victim to the veteran middle infielder's cherubic Cuban charm, inking him to a minor league deal to serve as an insurance policy for the empty shells which once encased Jimmy Rollins and Chase Utley.
Anyway, we're getting dangerously close to becoming "The Best Phillies Blog In The World" too, so I'll just get to the original point of this post. A few weeks ago, my pal and former Right Field Bleachers cohort, Jared, alerted me to a little musical number called "The Best Song Ever Written About Yuniesky Betancourt" he found on MySpace. Anxious to see if the lofty claim was true, I didn't even remember to make fun of Jared for using MySpace.
Written and performed by a band called "Green Bay" (but with the Green Day font and baffling use of skulls as cover art), the two-minute song manages to be both the best song about Yuniesky Betancourt AND the worst song about anything ever. Essentially, it's just 120 seconds of some dude dicking around on a piano and mispronouncing Yunie's name. It's pretty rough, and I should know. I'm the official expert on this song. As I write this, the song has only been played four times... three of which are by me. It was uploaded Sept. 9, 2011... when Betancourt was in his final month or so with Milwaukee, for reasons unknown.
The band's catalog is a treasure trove of cringe-inducing goodness. Each song is like two minutes long and none have more than 15 plays. Some of what awaits you...
"Shaun Marcum Wins Lots Of Games"
"Oh oh oh Shaun Marcum. He's a very good pitcher for the Brewers. No on can stop-a Shaun Marcum. He can not be stopped. Shaun Marcum is playing for the Brewers. He's winnin' lots of games for the Brewers. Nobody can hit Shaun Marcum because he pitches with such precision."
I'm as big of a Marcum apologist as you'll ever meet and I disagree with most of that. The accompaniment of a keyboard on accordion setting saves the whole thing, though.
"Jonathan Lucroy (Oh Joy! Oh Boy!)"
Actually pretty amazing. I mean, it's amazing he found two other people to harmonize with for the chorus. Otherwise, this one's predictably bad too.
"Corey Hart Has Heart"
I like how this on makes reference to how Corey Hart's last name (Hart) sounds like the word "heart" and that Corey Hart has heart and that he plays on the Milwaukee Brewers. I counted "Corey Hart has heart" being sang or spoken 25 total times in 1:27. The best part is when the lead singer says "sing it boys!" and the other vocalist is also him.
"Casey McGehee is a Fine Man"
Though awful as well, this 1:21 nightmare starts off innocently enough: jangling piano, a throaty off-key howl butchers McGehee's last name, that same voice reminds us that Casey was a Brewers player when this song was written. But Green Bay quickly takes artistic liberty by making a bunch of unsupported claims. Such outrageous statements include:
- Casey finds a way to get on base.
- If he ran for mayor of Milwaukee, he'd be voted in to lead the city (don't bring politics into something already flawed enough).
- Every girl in Wisconsin loves [him] and goes crazy for [him]. They all love [him] and [he] gets the pick of whichever one is most pretty. (Aside from the creepy visual, I'm pretty sure Kevin Mench had more pull in his time with the Brewers)
- He's a good player. (who was traded for Jose Veras and nobody cared, especially the ladies)
"John Axford, The Man With The Moustache"
"Who's gonna get the save? The man who doesn't shave. The man who is so brave. John Axford. Axford, the man who pitches real fast. Axford, the man with the moustache."
Oh great, now I'm sterile.
"Ryan Braun Is The Real Deal!"
That seals it. Ready the Braun bust for Cooperstown. One part that gets me is the lyrics "All the other players kind of make me yawn, but not future Hall Of Famer Ryan Braun." Doesn't any player with talent that's Casey McGehee-level or higher make this guy shoot and influence the way he votes? Or did I vastly underestimate how bad this guy wanted to bone Casey McGehee?
BONUS NON-BREWERS SONG
"Why Did They Trade Richard Jefferson?"
To get expiring contracts. Revisionist history aside, that motive seemed obvious when the trade was made.
Based on the songs about Trevor Hoffman, wanting Favre to stay in Green Bay, Jason Kendall and one called "Bill Hall's Gonna Be Good Again!", it's seems like the musicians (or people who own instruments, rather) behind Green Bay called it quits in late 2011... unless their dropping acid in a crawl space somewhere, hard at work writing a double-LP concept album about how Ekpe Udoh is a good player and that he is on the Bucks.
They say all good things must come to an end. I suppose that's also true for terrible, embarrassing, boner-demolishing things. We'll always have "The Best Song Ever Written About Yuniesky Betancourt" -- the fittingly dreadful and error-riddled audio reminder of the starting shortstop for a Brewers team that we'll never forget.
Excuse our lack of Hot Stove posts during winter meetings and this week's free agent free-for-all. Fortunately (if only to excuse our laziness), nothing really happened with the Brewers. Unless the front office's collective heart and wallet grows three sizes in the coming days, it looks to be a fairly frugal holiday season for Brewers fans.
Best case scenario, Shaun Marcum decides to make up for that whole NLCS thing, and allows the Brewers to sign him to a rich one- or two-year offer. But more likely, Milwaukee will push on with its talented (but green) cast of young hurlers or sign a past-prime hurler to his last payday; someone like Carl Pavano, Kevin Millwood, Derek Lowe or hologram Cory Lidle.
While we fans wait to open our popcorn tin-equivalent gift of various un-sexy Brewers acquisitions, get some holiday shopping done. Better yet, funnel your love of baseball into your shopping and cross some names of fellow fans off your list with some of this stuff. Also note: Vince and I are BOTH celebrating birthdays next week, and we have very expensive taste.
Milwaukee Brewers Man Cave 36" Sign
This sturdy $55 metallic wall sign is the perfect way to let those unfortunate enough to share your company know that, yes, you are a man and, hell yes, they better believe you like the Milwaukee Brewers baseball organization and, finally, if they can't take that... GTFO the Man Cave.
Various Discount Meats From the Klement's Factory Store
Always a Miller Park fixture--from sponsoring the Racing Sausages to being the official encased meat of the stadium, Klement's is an unbeatable idea for that carnivorous Brewers fan... not counting Usinger's, which is ever-so-slightly better, if you ask me. A few blocks down from Klement's factory headquarters in Bay View, a seedy utility closet-sized space at 2650 S. Chase Ave. doubles as a little slice heaven. Here, small details like store decor, sanitation and proper packaging are strewn aside in the name of value. Beyond the usual brats (for less), the outlet store offers beef sticks, summer sausage on the cheap, as well as dirt cheap weird items like ring bologna, head cheese, braunschweiger and ham balls. I don't exactly know what a ham ball is, but for 50 cents, I can't afford not to pop that fucker in my mouth at least once.
Electronic Bay dot com is a great source to obtain the various figurines to help line the mantle of that toy-freak on your X-mas list. Here, there's an array of oversize-headed sports hummels that range from official stadium giveaways to high quality limited edition rarities and terrible, terrible knockoffs.
One search yields a world of results. If you weren't one of the some-40,000 to nab a Derrick Turnbow bobblehead with synthetic "hair," here's your chance. For an extra buck, most sellers will throw in actual Turnblow hair the ex-closer sold so he could pay his gas bill. You can also re-live the saddest epoch of Brewers baseball with a Jeffrey Hammonds bobble that, fittingly, costs too much and does absolutely nothing. For a mere $17.99, this limited edition Ryan Braun bobblehead (right) could be yours. It appears to be limited edition because Goose Gossage's face is painted over Braun's.
Alcohol has many uses: dulling the unrelenting hellscape that is everyday existence AND stocking stuffers! And for fans of MLB's most alcoholic team name which resides in America's drunkest state, the beautiful gift of hooch is always appreciated. Whether it's a four pack of delicious Green Bay-brewed Hinterland Winterland beers to enjoy during spring training telecasts, a bottle of Pewaukee gunt fuel (aka "RumChata") to mix in your morning coffee while you blog about Derrick Turnbow bobbleheads or a bottle of Great Lakes Distillery's Rehorst vodka for your Opening Day bloody Mary's, you literally can't go wrong with the gift of Wisconsin spirits. Unless you're giving it to someone who doesn't drink, at which point you should probably take stock in the type of people you surround yourself with.
Of course I'm partial to Forward Fabrics, as its owner/operator/annoying promoter and all, but there's a wealth of other awesome online outlets offering outside-the-norm products honoring your favorite Wisconsin teams. Obviously, Sconnie has an abundance of great items too, as does Milwaukee Shirt Guys. I also own an embarrassing amount of Wiskullsin products (embarrassing because it's all the panties).
Something for the LAY-DAYS!!!
If I've learned anything from hackneyed '80s stand up comedy, it's that women be shoppin'. So for that penisless Crew fan on your list, spring for a MLB.com gift card so that they can choose from the site's myriad of stupid, useless and ugly items without function that only a woman could enjoy. For Katie - an intentionally distressed denim tote bag with a faded retro Brewers logo. Kaytee would love a beaded gold Brewers bracelet. And if I know Kaityeee, she'll cake the "Pink" of her ironically not pink sweat pants in a thick layer of shit Christmas morning when she happens upon a pair of garish Brewers sequin flip flops.
Framed Photo of Brett Lawrie
Sure, maybe that Marcum for Lawrie trade will go down as a colossal fuck up in Doug Melvin's otherwise-respectable track record of trades. But with this candid pic framed and displayed beside your stupid "Man Cave" sign on your wall, the pain of losing one of baseball's most promising young players will sting a little less.
And, yeah, Lawrie might post 10 straight 20-20 (or 30-30) seasons before all is said and done. But do you really want a guy like this to play for YOUR team? Hmmm... "Yes," you say? I know... me too.
Oh, HEY! Did I mention I own a business?
You may have seen the name Forward Fabrics mentioned on this site. Maybe you "Like" Forward Fabrics on Facebook, or noticed the ad on the right side of this very page.
Regardless, my Wisconsin-themed novelty shirt business is about to celebrate its first birthday. To mark the anniversary and to help kick off another baseball season, Forward Fabrics is teaming up with the now-defunct Right Field Bleachers (which I was part of) to throw a party in Appleton this weekend.
Saturday, March 31 at the Maritime Tavern (336 W. Wisconsin Ave., Appleton).
Forward Fabrics will sell shirts for only $12 ($3 less than usual), and others for $5. "I Hart MKE" prints will be $3 while they last. Right Field Bleachers will sell its remaining shirts for super-low, closeout prices.
Aside from the shirt savings and Maritime's always-affordable drinks, some of our favorite Wisconsin bands will perform. Those include:
This Appleton rock 'n' roll outfit is one of my favorite bands and is comprised of some of my favorite humans. At 16 years old, Sunday Flood is showing no signs of stopping. This event will also serve as Sunday Flood's release show for a new, limited edition CD. Hear them HERE.
I've never personally met TFA, but the quintet of Milwaukee indie rockers is my favorite in the city. I fell in love with its 2011 album Leftover Monsterface and am honored they agreed to drive 100 miles to play in a place they never have because a stranger wanted them to. Before this motivated and unique group of youngsters explodes, this is your chance to say you saw them in a 95 person capacity bar. Hear more HERE.
Haunted Heads is a no-nonsense Oshkosh rock band who blindsides listeners with catchy hooks amid angular guitar parts. Haunted Heads' members come from the ranks of various noted Midwestern bands of yore, including h. Chinaski, Happy and Drop Dead Giants. Hear them HERE.
Appleton/Milwaukee act Scarlet Escape is technically not a band any more, but we're glad they deem this event worth reuniting for. The band is back together again... for one night only (until they're asked to play again!). They--like Sunday Flood--have played every Right Field Bleachers event. We're glad they agreed to play this one, and you'll be too. Hear more HERE.
The show begins at 9:30 and is FREE. Come and get shitfaced and talk baseball with us.
If you can't make it, you can always order shirts from my site. And I'm sure Miller Park Drunk and Forward Fabrics will collaborate on a Pants Party and post-Pant Party concert in Milwaukee at some point this season.
We'll now return to your regularly-schedule baseball posts.
Bob Uecker is having heart surgery and will miss the next 10-12 weeks. We wish Bob all the best and hope for a speedy recovery. In his honor we are re-posting one of our earliest posts, 10 reasons Bob Uecker is better than whoever your announcer is. A post that got me a phone call from the police and some nasty emails. Good times.
It's really not going to be the same without Bob Uecker doing the games though. His voice is synonymous with the Brewers and his daily rants are like nothing else in all of baseball. He really is the best.
Sometimes I wonder if most Brewers fans know how lucky they truly are. Sure, the team has never won a World Series and it was 26 years between playoff appearances. Admittedly that stuff sucks, but at the same time we've got Bob Uecker and you don't. Bob Uecker is one of the best announcers in all of baseball and probably one of the coolest guys in all the world. He's like the cool grandpa who buys you beer, plays beer pong with you and your friends, then proceeds to wipe the floor with everyone (If only that stereotype existed.)
We love Bob here and would love nothing more than to slam some Jack Daniels with him in the announcers booth. Now, here's 10 reasons why he is not only awesome but better than every other announcer in baseball.