Off-Base

The day the Madness died

Yeah, Braun got hurt last night and that'd be real bad, the Brewers are "not clutch", can't hit on the road and they are left out of interleague play like the wheelchair kid in kickball. I don't care. This is what I want to write about because it's the saddest news of the day.

When people discuss the difference between professional wrestlers, the opening match comedy acts or the middle of the card technical wrestlers or the main eventers, the difference between them is always referred to as the "it" factor. That something about someone that makes you want to watch them. The ability of the performer to keep your eyes on them and draw your attention to whatever it is they are doing at the moment. It's something that is extremely hard to define, but when someone has it you just know. Hulk Hogan, despite being one of the worst in-ring performers of all time, had it. Steve Austin had it. The Rock had it. Even John Cena, despite the chorus of boos he receives from the diehard fans, has it. That special "IT" is what sets apart the wrestlers from the stars and the stars from the legends.

If I were asked to give an example of everything that ever epitomized what "IT" was I wouldn't be able to tell you what qualities that person might have, how they might sound or what they might look like. I would only give you one specific example that would sum up all you needed to know about the "IT" factor and that example would be the Macho Man Randy Savage. He had IT more than any wrestler of his or any generation. When he wrestled, you watched. When he talked on the microphone, you listened. It did not matter where his place on the card was or whether he was currently aligning himself with the babyfaces or the heels, whatever Randy Savage was doing was important. In a way Randy Savage just didn't have "it", he was "IT". Read more...

Super Bowl XLV Preview

The Green Bay Packers play the Pittsburgh Steelers in the XLVth Super Bowl this Sunday and everyone is talking about it. You can't walk two feet without seeing something green, hearing about Aaron Rodgers or noticing someone in a Steelers sweatshirt that you had never seen them in before. Everyone has changed their facebook profile picture to a Packers player instead of themselves which, honestly, is a nice replacement for the self portrait they took with their cell phone camera. Most of the people I know can tell me, down to the minute, when the game starts. It's insane. You'd think that one of these teams was from Milwaukee. (What? Green Bay is where now? -Ed.)

I realize that it's completely pointless to try and mention the Milwaukee Brewers in this space until at least Tuesday. (If you really want to know my feelings on the Mark Kotsay signing look at this graph.) For one thing, they haven't even started spring training yet. For another, PACKERSPACKERSPACKERSPACKERSPACKERS. So if you can't beat them join them. I may not be an expert on the Green Bay Packers, but I am an expert on watching television, eating and drinking. We also know a bit about gambling, 8-2 in the playoffs, and are going for the Packers on Sunday. There is money at stake, we're just as excited as you are. We basically know everything you need to know about Sunday and that's why we are here to bring you...

MILLER PARK DRUNK'S GUIDE TO THE SUPER BOWL

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Green Bay Packers face tough test this Sunday

By any way you measure it, the Green Bay Packers have had a great season. They currently have the second largest point differential of any team in the NFL. Their DVOA, a stat created by Football Outsiders,which I hear is pretty good, ranks them at 23.8% good for 5th overall in the NFL and mere percentage points from 3rd overall. Football Outsiders also ranks them with the second best defense and fifth best offense (in DVOA), and if it wasn't for their terribly low special teams rank, they could be the best team in the NFL. All of their losses are by four points or less. The Green Bay Packers are a much better team than 9-6.

Their opponent on Sunday, the Chicago Bears, is just about the opposite in every way. They are practically an average team in DVOA, their offense is among the league's worst, and their point differential is second lowest among (if the season ended today) NFC playoff teams. The other team? St. Louis Rams. So, yeah. Seven of their eleven wins have come by less than one score. The Chicago Bears are a good team, but they are not this good.

In a world where the numbers are always correct and luck never comes into play, it would be the Chicago Bears playing for their playoff lives, and the Green Bay Packers who would be choosing between playing for the chance at home field advantage or resting their stars on the final weekend. Of course, the NFL is not a world dominated by numbers, and the Green Bay Packers need to win this Sunday if they want to control their own destiny. It doesn't take a math genius to point out that a Packers loss and subsequent missing of the playoffs would be a huge disappointment. Not only would it be a big win for the super annoying Brett-Favre-should-have-the-right-to-choose-when-he-wanted-to-leave goofballs, but it would just plain suck. We need an excuse to drink beyond this weekend. Plus, a team with this sort of talent, that can lose key players and carry on without missing a beat, just doesn't come around that often. This is a team with a chance to win the Super Bowl, and there is no way of knowing if that same chance will return next year. The Packers need to win on Sunday and see how far this thing can go. They have to.

But what if they didn't? What if they didn't make the playoffs? Then what? Read more...

What Brewer would you trust with your girlfriend?

I do my best not to get jealous when it comes to my girlfriend. Whether it's her puzzling lifelong crush on Jason Mraz or the people who won't stop telling me how "lucky" I am to be with her or any of her assorted male best friends, I do my best not to let it bother me. After all she is with me and not them for a reason, I don't know what that reason might be (I suspect some sort of experiment for college credit), but the fact is that she is with me and not them. So I try not to get jealous, but she's attractive and she owns a vagina so she gets hit on a lot. I do my best not to let it bother me, but sometimes it does. Like the other day.

The other day she went to the corner store where we normally go to pick up alcohol and other drinks and the cashier (who never does this sort of thing) asked her if she had a boyfriend. She told him that she did and when he asked if it was "that guy you're always in here with" she told him that yes, that was me and I was her boyfriend. (Good work, btw girlfriend.) I would have preferred "Yeah he's my boyfriend you got a problem with that douchebag? His name is Vince and he will f*ckin' END you for this, dog", but she's not Lil' Kim and probably way too nice to even think to say something like that. Plus, she probably doesn't believe I could actually end anybody. Still, that should have shut him up right? He should be apologizing to her. Apologizing for the great disrespect that he has shown for the two of us and our relationship because we seem like nice people and are probably a really good couple. "Sorry," he should say, "I messed up," but of course he doesn't do that. No, he has something to say. He says "Oh...."

I heard that he was gay.

I heard that he was gay.

I heard that he was gay.

Seriously? That's your play, guy who I always talk to about sports? Really, guy who I once told to "start stocking condoms because I don't want another kid"? That's your move? Really? You sure about that, guy with a neck tattoo who is out of her league anyways?

(And I'm not gay. I watch professional wrestling! There's nothing gay about that, that's for sure!)

It sucks. I can't even trust my girlfriend to buy me a Vitamin Water without some jerkoff trying to hit on her, but the truth is that when it comes to your girlfriend you really can't trust anybody. How many movies are there about best friends in love with the same girl or the guy in love with his brother's fiance? How many vampires have to steal girls from werewolves before we learn that this stuff happens in real life? It happens all the time, every single day and there is only a few people in the world that you can trust.

I know that with my girlfriend I can trust the following people: Read more...

Announcement: What the Bucks

You may have noticed a lack of posting in the past couple weeks here. There are a couple of reasons for this. For one, we're still nursing a hangover from the Pants Party. (Have I mentioned how awesome that was? Check out the photo album!) The other main thing that has been slowing us down is our development of a spinoff website. That's right, Miller Park Drunk is getting it's own Joey. Never again will you have to worry about "Bradley Center Drunk" lurking his head around these parts again because we now have our very own Bucks blogs.

(*waits for applause*)

(*gives up*)

I'm sure you have questions so we will attempt to answer them here. Read more...