Oct 12

Guess Brew? Don’t Mind If We Brew… Er, Do!!!


Getting through baseball's long, unforgiving offseason is a difficult task. While each season draws to its conclusion, the days also get shorter and the temperatures dip.

At virtually the longest period of time spanning the Word Series and Opening Day, we're still more than a month from winter meetings and likely even longer from teams making any notable trades or free agent signings. I'm sure it's not hard to find an exact number of days between now and the Miller Park home opener, but I don't want to see it. It's just too depressing.

So how are fans supposed to bide their time during this bleak, baseball-less period? Do we take up a new hobby, such as canning homemade preserves or banging strangers at swinger's gatherings while dressed up as Huckleberry Hound? Neither sounds all that appealing... even if I found a gently used Huckleberry Hound costume in my price range. Maybe this is the perfect time to start watching New Girl. Then again, I'm probably way behind in the plot. At this point, they probably just call it "Girl" or something. Do we feign interest in the Bucks for a while? Perhaps this is a prime opportunity to better our lives... you know, get back to the gym, read a book not written by R.L Stine for once, apply for somewhat-less soul-crushing jobs, finally determine the reason that "check engine" light has been illuminating your dashboard since April--things like that.

Then again, with the new #GuessBrew promotion, this usually rough stint of boredom, soul searching and all-around trouser flaccidity can be better weathered than it used to be. In previous seasons, fans would have to wait until winter (sometimes even after New Year's Day!) to get information on forthcoming Brewers promotions. And even then, some of us didn't have Internet on our phone, so we'd need to look that shit up on our home or office computers like a bunch of cave-dwelling chumps. Infants had a crazy low life expectancy; the term "Honey Boo Boo" was only used in situations in which someone made a mistake that involved honey, and Walter White had only killed MAYBE two people on Breaking Bad. It's fucked up even thinking how we survived back then.

Now Brewers fans have some help riding out the darkest epoch of baseball's departure by getting daily updates on which Milwaukee players, personnel and additional periphery figures will be honored as one of the team's 10 all-fan bobblehead giveaways in 2013.

Though I gave all my bobblehead dolls away to other fans when I was old enough to grow pubes (18 months ago), I still like to keep up to date on upcoming promotions. Plus, anything Brewers-related that's not about Ryan Braun being jobbed on the MVP vote or Nori Aoki losing rookie of the year to some Mormon kid who paints his face for attention is welcome news to me. Monday, the team announced that Aoki would be the first bobblehead honoree in 2013. Still, nine more announcements are scheduled between now and November 9. I have no insight into the Brewers social media team's inner workings (aside from assuming Sophia Minnaert probably has no interest in getting coffee with me sometime), but I can still weigh in on some possibilities/likely choices, some outliers, as well as a few of the Crew who I feel should or should not get such an honor bestowed upon them. Here are some (faint) possibilities.

Managers/coaches/front office
• Ken Macha - Though Ron Roenicke is a more obvious/likely choice to get bobbled, I'd much rather own a throwback to Milwaukee's most vanilla two seasons ever. Complete with a pull string, the doll could liven up any mancave with such famous Macha sayings as "Uhhhh..." and "[clears throat]."
• Ed Sedar - While Doug Melvin assembles the team and Roenicke runs it, it's of little doubt that Sedar is the runaway favorite for both players and fans, giving our hearts the green light no matter the count.
• Stan Kyles - The bobblehead's box could transform into a makeshift garbage can to unfairly dispose of the figurine in at first sign of trouble.

Past players
• Jeff Cirillo - He was past his prime once the advent of bobblehead popularity hit MLB in full force. Nobody (except people who watched him try to work as an analyst) has a bad word to say about 'Rillo.
• Kevin Seitzer - Former requisite Brewers All-Star and eventual centerpiece in a trade that brought none other than Jeromy Burnitz to town. Who wouldn't want to remember some of Milwaukee baseball's shittiest years with a relic of one of the team's least shitty players of the time? That's rhetorical, dicks!
• Jeromy Burnitz/Richie Sexson - See above self-loathing.
• Sixto Lezcano - If the already-deteriorating Lezcano doll is brought to the guest relations desk at New Busch Stadium, it can be exchanged for way better bobbleheads of Rollie Fingers, Ted Simmons and Pete Vuckovich.
• Gary Sheffield - With a local shooting range as the logical sponsor.
• Ray King - Doubles as a gumball machine.
• Brooks Kieschnick - God, that would be awesome.

Current players
• Carlos Gomez - Because he is awesome and I like him.
• Josh Hamilton - Constructed vaguely enough to pass for Jim Henderson when Hamilton inevitably signs elsewhere.
• Jean Segura - Joke not found. This will probably happen.
• Manny Parra - Well, actually, just an empty box that holds only the crushed hopes that the Manny Parra you were expecting would be somewhere inside.

• Yoshi, Aoki's interpreter.
• Mark Attanasio's wife - For... uhhh, personal use. DON'T JUDGE ME!!!
• The Happy Youngster - Obviously, depicted in his natural state of shoving a terminally ill toddler to the ground so he can scoop up a Jamey Carroll BP ball on the third bounce.
• Bernie Brewer and T.C. Bear open-mouth kissing with the Mississippi River between their feet. Beautiful image, isn't it?
• "E.H." - A maple breakfast sausage that's basically just an insensitive depiction of a stereotypical Canadian, the latest in a line of off-base Klement's racing sausage mascots.
• Ichiro Jones

Sep 12

Goodbye 60 percent of readers see you next spring

Well it's that time of the year. Summer is over, the kids are back to school, it's starting to get cold out and the leaves are turning a different color. Shorts are out and pants are in. Sweatshirts are necessary at night and soon they will be all day. Then it'll be coats and boots and scarves because winter is right around the corner. The happy fun times of summer are over and everyone is really, really happy about it. Wait, what?!

Oh, but it's football season you see. Baseball is winding down and the Brewers are out of it so who cares anyways? IT'S PACKERS TIME D00DZ! PACK ATTACK! PACK ATTACK! FOOTBAW! FOOTBAW! FOOTBAW! I LOVE FOOTBALL, ERON ROGDERS AND TWINZ

Look, I'm not here to hate on football. I am in three fantasy football leagues this season ($300!) and now I am going to tell you all about them for the next 2000 words. Just kidding I wouldn't do that to you (but seriously I am going to win all three.) I also really like to gamble on football (read: pay someone money to let me become overly invested in a single game's outcome only to ultimately be disappointed when some idiot coach kicks a field goal because of sportsmanship) and have no issue spending my Saturdays on the couch watching as many college football games as I can. Football is cool and all that, but maybe we should relax a bit about it? I mean, it's cool but not that cool. Continue reading →

Aug 12

Pants Party 2 and the end of Off Topic Week

As I write this it has been 19 days since Miller Park Drunk Pants Party 2. It seems like yesterday and it seems like forever ago. I didn't write about it before because everyone who came knows they had a good time and everybody who didn't probably doesn't care. An average post gets anywhere from 500-1000 views and there were 60 people are our party. The odds are that you don't care, but I do and since this is the end of Off Topic Week I am going to talk about it a bit.

When we had the original Pants Party two years ago things were kind of messed up. I wasn't as prepared as I would have liked to been and I didn't really know what to expect. I was just a dude with a silly blog that somehow convinced a bunch of people he's never met to go to a party. I was nervous and worried and probably a little bit awkward at first. I was mad at myself for not budgeting correctly and losing a couple hundred bucks. I drank too much the night before to calm my nerves and ended up being late. Then the party started, I drank some beers, Ryan cooked some awesome food and everything was good. It was a really fun time and I have no regrets, but I knew it could have been better. Real life got in the way in 2011, but in 2012 there was no way I wasn't going to do this thing. Tyler and I discussed this party as far back as Game 5 of the NLDS. I wasn't going to let another year go by without having a party and thanks to my good friend Sam I was able to get it done.

I wanted everything about the party this year to be bigger and better. More food, more booze, more games, more prizes and t-shirts for everybody. I wanted a larger crowd and I wanted that larger crowd to have more fun than the previous party did. I wanted somebody to have sex in the bathroom. I was driven. If I had to spend the entire party in my H&M boxers to make that happen I would do it.

Everyone had fun. I can't speak for all of those who were at both, but I think we exceeded Pants Party uno in many ways. It just seemed more alive. The people who returned from the previous party had a camaraderie that carried over to this one even if they hadn't seen each other since that made everything a bit looser. The new people fit in great and I think if everything works out right we'll see about 80% or more return again next year. Which is an awesome number. Seriously, I love you guys.

I probably started fifty conversations that I couldn't finish that day. I'm really thankful for the sisters who made their way from Minnesota or California or wherever. I enjoyed the young crowd even if they did break all of my fashion rules and drink Mike's Hard Lemonade inside the game. Who invited the umpire? He was cool and all and I appreciate him bringing a crew with him, but you know how I feel about umpires. It sucked for Tony that his boys couldn't handle their liquor and no-showed on him, but it was cool that we got to party together. Tyler and the former Right Field Bleachers crew brought it as always. The Stevens Point people saved my life, but we'll get to that later. It was good to see the Madison bloggers alliance make an appearance. Love that all those Brew Crew Ball people were able to make it (except Kyle.) The guy and the girl where the girl lives in St. Louis, good luck with that. You guys seemed cool. A lot of my friends that I've sort of drifted from, but still enjoy (marriage cult) were able to make it and it was great to see them too. Nick, Nate, Matt, Ang and everyone else I am forgetting and didn't get enough time to talk to good to see you too. Thank you. My only regret is that I didn't get to spend more time with everyone and finish all those conversations I started.

At some point in the day I decided that we should all rip our sleeves off and wear them as headbands. Why? I don't know. I think it was a desire to look like Hulk Hogan or something, but as someone would point out to me later I ended up looking more like Brooke Hogan. :( After that things get a bit messy. We hit the Fridays and somehow I didn't get to the seat until the 6th inning. (A new personal record.) Didn't matter. I saw all the important runs, saw Axford close it down and the Brewers are now 2-0 at Pants Parties. After that some of us decided to hit the Friday's again and well... let's just say I told someone that they could drive my truck home without me and they listened. Then I told another friend that I didn't need a ride and he'd be alright to leave without me too. One more friend asked, I said no and the next thing I know this happened.

Passed out. In a car. Bound for Stevens Point. Three hours from where I live.

Best in the world? You know it.

Pants Party 2 was the very best day of my year and that's saying a lot because my year has been amazing, but it's true. It was the one day in my life when I was almost sure that everyone really liked me and were glad to have me around. People bonded over knowing me or who I was. How weird is that? It was a day in which I was able to say thank you to everyone for that and for putting up with me and all the dumb stuff I do. For that I threw a party and I am glad everyone liked it. I'll do it again next year if you'll still have me.

Well, that was fun. Thanks to everyone who stuck around while we ignored our favorite baseball team. We'll be back doing our thing on Monday. In case you missed anything here's what we did.

Read the ones about dumb people, the Chikara one (then come join me) and the music one. We'll be doing part two of that sometime.

Aug 12

Chikara is the greatest thing ever and you should go see it in Milwaukee on 8/17

I love wrestling very, very much. When I was 16 I saved up money and flew to Philadelphia by myself where I attended an ECW show at the ECW Arena. I went with a guy I met on the internet and stayed in a hotel with him. After the show we had breakfast at Denny's with D-Von Dudley, Jason and Chastity. No, really, that happened. It was a great time. Last year I went to Wrestlemania and I've said enough about that. The year before that I went to Money in the Bank and witnessed probably the greatest WWE pay-per-view of all time where CM Punk shocked the world by walking out with the WWE title. I've been to Raw, Nitro, ECW, Ring of Honor and some weird thing at a local high school gym that was headlined by Steve Austin's "brother" Rick Austin, but of all the wrestling events I've ever been to the very best is Chikara pro wrestling. Other shows might have had better matches or bigger stars, but it was at Chikara that I've had the most fun. It was at Chikara that I never stopped smiling. It was always Chikara that I loved the most.

So what is Chikara? Well.... Continue reading →

Aug 12

Six stupid things people need to stop doing right now

I really didn't mean to do two "people are dumb" posts in a single Off Topic Week, but sometimes you just have to. I have a captive audience here and hopefully my words can hope to better mankind. It's the entire point of running a site called Miller Park Drunk really.

I am a writer and as a writer I am a keen observer of the human condition. I am also a borderline alcoholic so I spend a lot of time drinking in public with other people. Thirdly, all my best friends are dumb (except for you, best friend who is reading this.) Because of this unique combination I have a window into humanity that not many other people do. I see people do things on a daily basis. I see things that bother me, things I love, things I hate, but mostly things that annoy the hell out of me. Look, I'm not one of these people who hates everyone and everything. I really want to like people. I want to have a good time and have lots of friends and be happy, but some people just make it so hard to do that. What is the problem guys? Be young. Have fun. Drink Pepsi.

There are many annoying traits in people that I can handle. Stupid laughs, loud gum chewing, bad taste in movies and overuse of cologne are all traits that I dislike, but can accept and remain friends with you. However, if you do any of these following six things? Fix it. Right now. Or we are donezo. Continue reading →