02
Aug 12

Six stupid things people need to stop doing right now

I really didn't mean to do two "people are dumb" posts in a single Off Topic Week, but sometimes you just have to. I have a captive audience here and hopefully my words can hope to better mankind. It's the entire point of running a site called Miller Park Drunk really.

I am a writer and as a writer I am a keen observer of the human condition. I am also a borderline alcoholic so I spend a lot of time drinking in public with other people. Thirdly, all my best friends are dumb (except for you, best friend who is reading this.) Because of this unique combination I have a window into humanity that not many other people do. I see people do things on a daily basis. I see things that bother me, things I love, things I hate, but mostly things that annoy the hell out of me. Look, I'm not one of these people who hates everyone and everything. I really want to like people. I want to have a good time and have lots of friends and be happy, but some people just make it so hard to do that. What is the problem guys? Be young. Have fun. Drink Pepsi.

There are many annoying traits in people that I can handle. Stupid laughs, loud gum chewing, bad taste in movies and overuse of cologne are all traits that I dislike, but can accept and remain friends with you. However, if you do any of these following six things? Fix it. Right now. Or we are donezo. Continue reading →


02
Aug 12

The Best and Worst Songs of the 90s

My taste in music can be pretty varied at times. Playlists will jump from Electric Light Orchestra to Childish Gambino to They Might Be Giants to Hall & Oates and I don't blink an eye. I like what I like. I mostly prefer older stuff, but my taste in modern music is a bit more hipster than I'd like to admit. I think that everything that I like is "good" and everything that I don't like is "bad." So if you don't like what I like then you have bad taste in music. I don't mean to be like this, but I think most people are the same way. We're all dicks.

However, there is one soft spot in my tough music facade and that is the 1990's. I am completely unapologetic about the music of my youth and I love it no matter how bad everyone else in the world thinks it is. It's just wrapped to my memories so tightly that I can't think it's bad. If you think "Torn" by Natalie Imbruglia is bad then you think I am bad. I am not bad, I am riding the chillwave bro.

Whenever I hear "Two Princes" by the Spin Doctors all I can think about is the girl I liked in 6th grade that ended up going to rehab for huffing things. If you play me "Don't Turn Around" by Ace of Base I don't ask you to change it. I tell you a story about a girl who dumped me and how I spent the entire weekend locked in my room listening to The Sign album on repeat and punching holes in the wall. "I Don't Want To Wait" by Paula Cole isn't a very good song, but it reminds me of the days when Pacey was my idol and Joey was the most perfect girl in the world. I was young and dumb and I recorded songs off the radio onto a tape to play them later. It was a simpler time.

Occasional contributor and MPD fashion expert Steph shares this love of all things 90s with me and might actually love them more than I do. I've honestly never met anyone who loves Color Me Badd more than her with the possible exception of Donna Martin. This is why we're friends. This is why I have her contribute to the site. Because she likes the same stupid stuff that I like. (That's all friendship is really.) Anyways, since it's Off Topic Week here at Miller Park Drunk Steph and I decided that it was time to find out what the very best and worst songs of our favorite decade were. Continue reading →


01
Aug 12

Let’s talk about The Dark Knight Rises plotholes

The Dark Knight trilogy is pretty much my favorite thing to ever happened to comic book movies. The Avengers was awesome and everything I wanted from it, but nothing can ever top Christopher Nolan's epic trilogy. Every movie felt bigger than itself, bigger than some comic book. It felt like real life only if real life was freaking terrible and there were all these people trying to destroy our city. I love the Dark Knight trilogy.

The Dark Knight Rises came out a week ago and was basically the perfect end to the series. There are people who will say that they like The Dark Knight better than they like Rises and that's fine. Heath Ledger put in one of the all time tour de force show stopping acting performances of all time and it's hard not to like that. Me? It's too early to tell. I think Batman Begins might be my favorite because the truth of the series is that Bruce Wayne, not Batman, is the very best character they created for the series. Dark Knight is awesome, but it is the Joker show and Bruce Wayne is hardly a thing in it. A part of me likes Rises the best because the Bruce Wayne stuff is top notch. As is the Alfred part, JGL's character and the awesomeness of Anne Hathaway's performance. The truth is that I really want Rises to be my favorite, but I can't because there are just too many glaring plotholes that take me out of the movie and now I am going to talk about them.

(Just in case you are really dumb. The rest of this post is spoilers.) Continue reading →


01
Aug 12

AJ Lee: A GIF Appreciation

My love of pro wrestling is no secret. I went to Wrestlemania last year and I am going again this year. I'm going to Chikara in two weeks. I'm wearing a Colt Cabana t-shirt right now. I've made two awkward appearance on TH's The Wrestling Podcast. It's just my thing. I always have and always will love this stupid deal where people pretend to fight and put oil all over their bodies. I just love it.

Because of this I often find myself falling in love with the girls on the screen. She likes wrestling and she is attractive? Sign me up! Last summer my dad and I went to Chikara in Chicago and after watching Sara Del Rey kick the living shit out of Icarus I could tell he had a bit of a crush going on. Which was weird because I didn't want to have to fight my own dad to the death over her. When I was in high school and starting to figure out that boobs were the best thing in the world, WWE gave me Sable who had enormous fake ones that she had no problem showing me. It was love at first breast. Then they followed her with Trish Stratus who made me fall in love all over again and still does a little bit. Then Stacy Keibler who is hot enough for George Clooney so like really hot. Then Melina whose entrance made me somewhat uncomfortable (in a good way.) Then Maryse who was hot until I found out she was banging The Miz. (Seriously, I'd rather be with someone that had face herpes than someone The Miz touched.) All these girls with many in between have made me continually have crushes/infatuations with the women involved in professional wrestling.

Here's the thing though. They are all pretty girls, but at the same time they are "wrestling pretty." Much like a stripper seems pretty because she is taking her clothes off a lot of these girls seem prettier just because they are on a wrestling show. You guys remember that period where WWE convinced us that Chyna was really hot and she did two Playboys? Yeah, WWE (and plastic surgery) convinced us that THIS was really hot. I used to think Francine was gorgeous and she's really not (see if you can guess why I thought that.) That's what I'm talking about. This isn't a knock on the women at all. They are pretty girls who could probably kick my ass, but if you stand 98% of them next to Alison Brie or Anne Hathaway they look homely. A pretty girl in something you like looks 1000% prettier than if she was in something you didn't like. Look at Starbuck from Battlestar Galactica. Pretty? Yes. omg da prettiest girl ever? No, but don't tell that to some Battlestar fanboys. It's just the way it is. Why do you think I hook up with so many ugly girls in Rickie Weeks jerseys? Our mind plays tricks on us sometimes.

AJ changed all of that because AJ is not only the prettiest girl to ever grace a wrestling ring. Continue reading →


31
Jul 12

What X-Men power would be the best to have?

Ever since I was a little kid I've loved the X-Men. I was raised watching that 90's X-Men show on FOX Kids that was actually really awesome and not stupid like all kids shows today. (Another awesome show from this time period was Batman: The Animated Series which outside of the Christopher Nolan trilogy is the best Batman has been portrayed in any form of media.) When the movies came out I was there on opening night. The first X-Men movie was actually the first DVD I ever owned. I've read a lot of the comics and highly recommend Joss Whedon's Astonishing run and Grant Morrison's New X-Men. Wolverine was dumb and X-Men 3 is basically the worst stuff ever. My X-Men cred is legit.

A recent after bar conversation got me thinking about the idea of being a mutant. Would I want to be Wolverine? Of course I would. Wolverine is a bad ass. (Weird crying bitch Wolverine from X-Men 3 does not exist and I will fight you if he say he does.) But is his power the best? I say no. Did you know he can't really get drunk? I mean, he can and has many times before but it takes forever and his body is constantly trying to fix his liver damage as he drinks. What the heck, body? I'm trying to destroy you here. Let me destroy you. Nobody really wants to be Cyclops. One because he is a nerd and two because it would suck having to wear that stupid thing on your face all the time. We all know Rogue's would suck because that's the entire point of Rogue. Beast? Give me a break.

This is a serious question that I've spent hours and hours of my life dissecting and analyzing in a desperate attempt to to figure it out. This is what I've come up with. Continue reading →

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