Just imagine the cupcakes are potentially humorous Brewers tidbits.
Figuring one of every six Miller Park Drunk posts of late were either co-written by me or mentioned me, I finally set aside my fear of rejection last Friday and asked Vince, left, if I could be taken in as the second MPDer. Fortunately for me, he complied.
"But who is this 'Maas' author?" you ask with feigned surprise. Before I officially tag myself into this ring of dick jokes, halfassed Photoshops and obscure pop culture references, I thought I'd formally introduce myself and help prepare you for what you'll get from me.
Who am I?
You know, I feel like that's a question to which there's really no true answer (I'm kind of deep!). But if forced to narrow it down to a few bullet points, I'm a Sagittarius. We're known for our lack of astrological knowledge. Beyond that, I'm a Milwaukee-based professional writer... in the absolutely loosest sense of the term. I liken my writing as a living to how Jack Wilson is technically a professional baseball player, except that I've never had the ability to trick a mismanaged organization into overpaying me. My mismanaged organization pays me exactly what I'm worth.
You probably know me from...
Writing those few sentences above this. I sincerely doubt any of you know who I am. Don't get me wrong, it's not because you guys aren't learned and well-versed people. Rather, I am just that unknowable. I'm like the Nearly Every Baseball Blogger Ever of baseball blogging notoriety. However, that's not to say I haven't tried to build my brand. I cut my teeth with the now-defunct Brewers blog Right Field Bleachers. I write over half the Brewers-related content at The Onion-affiliated websites The A.V. Club Milwaukee and The A.V. Club Madison. I contribute content (primarily music and some Brewers stuff, when possible) to Milwaukee Magazine, too. I also (hardly ever) write for Boston-based baseball blog Bugs & Cranks.
You may have also heard of my new Wisconsin sports-themed T-shirt company Forward Fabrics and my, like, never updated pizza blog Doctors Of Za, where I write under the handle "T. Mario."
What to expect from me.
I've loved the Brewers for roughly 21 of my 26 years. The missing annuals were my first five, when I was either a clueless, drooling piece of shit and/or not aware that anything that wasn't a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle or one of my own boogers existed. Still, I think that's a pretty honest and admirable assessment of my Brewers fandom. Thus, I am able to produce obscure names like Jesse Levis, Jody Reed, Turner Ward and Rocky Coppinger to serve as the mortar to bind the bricks that are my contemporary Brewers takes. I sponsored Tim Dillard's Baseball-Reference page waaaaay before it was cool (Estimated date of it being cool to sponsor Tim Dillard's Baseball-Reference page: Never). I'm also certain that I'm one of two people responsible for John Axford using "New Noise" by Refused as his entrance music in save situations. This heavy metal magazine agrees. In short, I care deeply about the Brewers.
Hopefully, I'll be able to help bring well-thought, well-written and funny posts to the site. They'll be in the vein of Vince's humor and writing, except without the pictures of that dog in the lobster costume. I don't know what that's about. I also swear a lot more often and have been known to overuse parenthesis (like, a lot). If this all goes correctly, Miller Park Drunk will be a better site with more updates, Vince will get more visitors/ad revenue, I'll sell more shirts and we'll all get our dicks wet and our pussies (consensually) jammed. I mean that last part figuratively, of course.
And maybe--JUST MAYBE--we'll share a few laughs along the way.