There was a long period of time in my life where I actually wanted to be "the" Miller Park Drunk. It wasn't just going to be a clever name for me, it was going to be a lifestyle. I wanted to go to as many games as I possibly could, drink and eat as much as I could at those games and then wake up around noon hungover to write about my adventures on this site. That was the goal. Work hard in the winter and spend my summer drunk at Miller Park. It wouldn't be an easy thing to pull off, but I wanted to try because if there is one thing I love in this world more than
myself this site and the Brewers it was being "the" Miller Park Drunk.
Last season I went to over 20 games and was drunk at many of them. I ate lots of good food at all of them. The Brewers won a few and lost a few more. I had great times and culminated the year with basically the best tailgate party ever, the Pants Party, that featured a pants-less keg stand by yours truly. I was doing it. I was living the MPD Lifestyle. The dream was becoming a reality, but that was last year and last year is over. This year? I've only been to one game.
Let that sink in for a second. The self proclaimed Miller Park Drunk has only been to one game and he only had like two beers at it. How did this happen? Why did this happen? How could this happen? Is the integrity of our universe in stable condition? Am I okay? Is this why I hardly update the site anymore? The answer to all of these questions isn't as bad as you may think it is. It's rather simple in fact, the reason that I stopped living the MPD Lifestyle is because I got a girlfriend. A girlfriend who was a Cubs fan.
It's true, but I dated a full fledged Cubs fan. She had all these blue clothes and this one time, this is true I swear, she did the thing where you paint the Cubs logo on your face. In real life she did that! We went to a couple of Brewers/Cubs games and I will always remember giving her the strangest look as she rooted for the wrong team. Did she not know who I was or something? Why was this girl who I had deep emotional feelings for acting like Carlos Marmol coming in for the save was a good thing? Why was she singing that fucking song after my team just lost? Did she hate me? Did she want to break up? Why was she so drunk? It was a crazy experience, but I have no regrets. In fact, without my experiences there is no way that I could possibly have delivered you this:
MPD's Guide to Dating a Cubs Fan
RULE #1: Don't talk about baseball.
Here's what Cubs fans know about baseball:
- The Cubs are awesome.
- Everyone else sucks.
- They'll get 'em next year.
That's it. That's the whole list. So if you ever talk about baseball with your Cubs fan girlfriend don't be surprised if it goes like this.
"Who do the Cubs play today?
"Oh, the Giants suck."
"You realize the Cubs are bad this year, right? And the Giants won the World Series?"
"We'll get 'em next year."
WASH. RINSE. REPEAT. FOREVER.
RULE #2: Never, ever say anything bad about Kerry Wood.
You know how with women there are certain things you shouldn't comment on like their weight, their bad haircut or the sluts you hooked up with before you started dating? If you're dating a Cubs fan make sure you add Kerry Wood to that list of things you don't talk about. That man is a saint in Chicago. I'm not exactly sure why even, I think it has something to do with him being the only person who ever actually liked playing in Chicago, but you are better off just forgetting his name. Trust me. I am talking about my girlfriend in the past tense for a reason.
RULE #3: Don't let them give you blog ideas.
In retrospect maybe the posts "Give Carlos Zambrano A Break" and "I Wish The Brewers Would Sign Derrek Lee" were a mistake.
RULE #4: Statistics don't matter. Looks do.
You remember in Moneyball when they were all like "We're building a baseball team, not selling blue jeans!"? Being a Cubs fan is just like that, but the opposite. They are only selling blue jeans. Winning does not matter as long as you are losing with cute guys. Derrek Lee hit like a pitcher last season, but it didn't matter to my girlfriend because she thought of him when we were alone together. Starlin Castro may be the best Cubs prospect ever, but it doesn't matter because he looks like Bruno frickin' Mars and nobody wants to think of Bruno Mars when they are alone with someone.
(Do they? God, that'd be awful if people did.If I hear that Marry Me song one more time I am going to marry a bullet to my brain. What is with kids these days? I am so out of touch.)
RULE #5: It doesn't matter who they play.
Here's a little secret about Cubs games that makes me insanely jealous: it doesn't matter who the Cubs are playing. When you want to be a nice guy and take your girlfriend to a Cubs game you should realize that she doesn't have any clue that the Saturday game against the Cardinals is a better game to go to than the Thursday night game against the Nationals. She just wants to go to a Cubs game. Cubs fans don't go to games because they want to see baseball, they go to Cubs games because they want to say they went to a Cubs games. It's a rite of passage for them like "hey, I'm a fan. I went to a game this year." It's a membership card they have to keep renewing once a summer at Wrigley Field. It doesn't matter what game, it only matters that the game existed in our reality.
RULE #6: Leave her at home.
Remember, you're the Brewers fan here not her. She doesn't need to go to every single game with you. You'll have plenty of time for boyfriend/girlfriend alone stuff later. Go to the game and have a good time. You don't need a girlfriend telling you "Four brats is enough dear." You need a friend who'll say "I bet you can't eat six." Go with your friends and have a good time. It's what Miller Park is all about.
RULE #7: Take them to Brewers games when they aren't playing the Cubs.
My girlfriend was at the Pants Party last year. Did you hear one word out of her about the Cubs? Of course not, everyone knows that a woman is to be seen and not heard. (KIDDING KIDDING KIDDING PLEASE I AM SORRY OKAY I WAS JUST KIDDING I MAKE JOKES OKAY)
No, the reason you didn't hear her talk about the Cubs at the Pants Party is because she loved me. If they were playing the Cubs that'd be one thing, but the Cubs didn't exist when we were in our Brewer world. She would wear a Brewers shirt and root alongside me and we'd go home happy. When the Cubs are out of sight they are out of mind. It's the best thing.
RULE #8: Always be yourself.
Not trying to get too "inside baseball" here, but the truth is that when you stop being yourself you stop being someone that people like to spend time with. Being "the" Miller Park Drunk all the time was a stupid goal and I've changed in a way where that isn't what I want to do anymore, but that doesn't mean that I want to stop having great times at Brewers games. That doesn't mean I should just stop tailgating altogether. That doesn't make any sense. MPD is a part of who I am.
Do what makes you happy and hopefully the other person does the same for themselves. Happy people make great couples.
RULE #9: Don't feed them after midnight.
You're probably thinking "lol is MPD saying that Cubs fans are like gremlins or sumthin?" and yes, that is EXACTLY what I am saying. The rules exist for a reason. Follow them.
Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go listen to this song on repeat for a few hours now.