The season is just around the corner here and the Milwaukee Brewers are currently one of the favorites in the NL Central, but that doesn't mean it's a sure thing. There are still five other teams that want the title who will be fighting for it all season. Do they have a shot? That's what we're going to find out as we work with fans from other teams to figure out how everything is going to play out and exactly what it is we're dealing with. That's right it's the 2011 NL Central Previews!
Today's Guest: Chad Trixie aka Wrigley Field Drunk
SUP BROS and BRO-ETTES?
It's been awhile, but I couldn't let a Chicago Cubs season preview be written at this god forsaken site without me being a part of it. I know the way that d-bag editor of this site likes to do things, but not on my watch pal!
Before we get to the Chicago Cubs I'd like to talk about myself for a moment. You see, a lot has changed since you last heard from me. For one, I got married. A beautiful girl from Deerfield named Trixie. Yeah, I know, Trixie Trixie crazy right? We met at a bar (where else?) and had this one really awesome night. We did like six or seven Jager bombs and then I drove her home to my place where we got freaky. I lasted like ten minutes, it was awesome. Then I didn't see her for three months and she ends up calling me out of the blue talking about how she wants to get back together and how I was the best lover she ever had and how she wants her kids to look like me and how, oh by the way, she's pregnant. So I was like "oh I like you too" and "are you sure it's mine?" And she's like "of course, you're the only one I've been with" and I was all like "pssh yeah right", but eventually it all worked out and we got married. It was a pretty sweet wedding. Not as good as the bachelor party which was frickin' bonkers, bro. (Four words: triple lapdance in Vegas. INSANE.) The honeymoon was all right, but would have been a lot better if she wasn't all fat and shit. I mean I know it's like my baby in there, but do some situps or something. Jeez.
Yeah so anyways, married with one on the way. Crazy right?
I haven't really had that much time for the Cubs with all this stuff going on. Most of my free time is spent at the titty bar or just drinking with my bros. When I'm home Trixie always wants to watch Dancing With the Stars or American Idol and I'm not really with that. We do watch Jersey Shore together, natch. GTL bro! I've just really been into the Bears and the strike and everything, really. I went to the Bears/Seahawks game in January and me and my bros totally beat this Seahawks fan's ass. It was awesome. But I talked to a couple of my bros about the Cubs and they told me some things, so here's my preview of the Cubbies 2011 season.
We got Garza which is pretty tight. Zambrano looks to be back to his old self. I just hope he doesn't attack any Gatorade bottles or anything, lol. Dempster is still like one of the coolest bros to ever pitch for the Cubs ever. I love that guy. And we got Wood back! Had to pull my old "We Got Wood" shirt out and everything. Our pitching should be sick.
The lineup on the other hand is kinda wack. Colvin, Soriano (worst hitter ever), Soto and Byrd are alright, but the rest is wack. Fukodome what a waste of yen that guy was. And what the hell is Blake Dewitt doing here? Where did Theriot go? The Cards? Like wtf, man. Jim Hendry needs to get his priorities in check.
The biggest move the Cubs made is prolly replacing Lou Piniella with Mark Quade. I like Quade. He reminds me of my uncle Rick who gave me my first beer when I was 9. He was like "don't act like an idiot and don't tell your mom, just be cool" and I drank like three of his Old Styles and passed out playing F-Zero. That's Quade, man. He says just go out there and do your thing and let's the guys do it. He's the guy for the job, bro.
I'm not really sure if this team has what it takes to make it to the playoffs, but that doesn't really matter because my kid is due around that time and that's right when Bears season starts. (FINGERS CROSSED!) It's gonna be pretty busy so unless the Cubs win like 100 games I don't really care.
Tags: bachelor party, beautiful girl, bonkers, bro, chad, chicago cubs, god, honeymoon, jager bombs, lapdance, milwaukee brewers, nl central, out of the blue, pssh, season preview, sure thing, three months, trixie, wrigley field