CUBBIES SEASON PREVEIW

So I know what I said before about never coming back, but I just couldn't help myself when it comes to the 2010 Cubbies. The Cubs are too damn good NOT to write on the internet about! This Is The Year. Plus, I couldn't stand the thought of that douchebag Vince writing some stupid crap like "we don't think the Cubs are that good this season". Hey buttface, it's only you! There is no we! 'We' would imply you had friends, which you don't.

Before I get to the Cubs, I want to say a few things about some of the things that have been going on at this god forsaken site lately.

  • I don't see what everyone's problem with Ryan Braun's restaurant hiring good looking people. We do this in Chicago all the time. You know why? Because if we hired a fat girl to work at Giordano's she'd eat all the pizza!
  • Here's something I actually agreed with, the Opening Day post. I love Opening Day because I can go down to Wrigley Field about 8am and start doing Jager bombs. I usually get so drunk I totally miss the game, lol. One time my boy Danno got so wasted he got thrown out of the bleachers. That's like getting arrested in jail. Classic. I never miss Opening Day.
  • You people in Milwaukee have some crappy tattoos. You need to get some cool barbed wire around your muscle like me. You'd probably have to stop eating cheese and actually work out to do that though. NEVERMIND!
  • Finally, this pro wrestling post may be the most pathetic thing I've ever seen. What's next, MPD? What Star Trek characters are Brewers? What Dungeons N Dragons guys are Brewers? What Brewer would be the best at World of Warcraft? Way to show your nerd colors, nerd.

Enough of this stupid Brewer talk because the BREWERS SUCKKKK!. Let's talk about a real baseball team. Let's talk about YOUR CHICAGO CUBBIES!

BASEBALL SEASONS HERE AGAIN, YOU CAN CATCH THE GAMES ON WGN. DOOT DOOT DOOT, DOOT DOOT. HEY CHICAGO WHATTA YOU SAY? THE CUBS ARE GOING TO WIN TODAY!

KEY LOSS: Milton Bradley. Hey Milton, thanks for ruining 2009. I really appreciated that. Look what this stupid idiot said:

"Two years ago, I played, and I was good, I go to Chicago, not good. I've been good my whole career. So, obviously, it was something with Chicago, not me."

YEAH THATS IT. It was Chicago's fault you couldn't hit! Jerk. Losing Milton gives the Cubbies another ten wins on it's own.

GO CUBS GO, GO CUBS GOOO. HEY CHICAGO WHATTA YOU SAY? THE CUBS ARE GONNA WIN TODAY

OTHER KEY LOSS: Reed Johnson. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

When I found out he was leaving I went up to the first girl I saw and called her a bitch. It's the only way I could properly express my feelings. So, sorry about that mom.

/cries in Old Style

GO CUBS GO! GO CUBS GO! HEY MILLER PARK DRUNK READERS WHATTA YOU SAY? THE CUBS ARE GOING TO WIN TODAY!

KEY ADDITION: Marlon Byrd. The best thing about Marlon Byrd? HE'S NOT MILTON BRADLEY! +100 WINS

pleasedontbeanothergarymatthewsjrpleasedontbeanothergarymatthewsjrpleasedontbeanothergarymatthewsjr

Another key addition is my local tavern adding the new Budweiser 55 calorie beer. That stuff is great.

OFFENSE MVP: Derrick Lee. How many seasons does he have to do this before you guys understand? HE IS THE MAN.

You know who else is the man? Christian Audigier. I owe my life to that guy.

/throws up the scissors

PITCHING MVP: Ummmm, ahhh.... STRENGTH IN NUMBERS! Yeah! I'll take our 5 starters over any other teams 5 starters! Any! Day! Of the! Week!

True story: My buddy Mick's old girlfriend met Ryan Dempster at a bar downtown one night and she was like "hay arent u ryan dempster" and hes like "ya wanna have sex with me right now in the bathroom?" and she was like "ok lets go" and he was like "ok follow me" and then they did it in the bathroom! My buddy Mick was so proud that he didn't even get mad about it. The best part of the story? She said I was bigger than Dumpster! That chick banged everybody, man.

GO CUBS GO! GO CUBS GO! HEY WISCONSIN DOUCHEBAGS WHATTA YOU SAY? THE CUBS ARE GOING TO WIN TODAY!

AWARDS THE CUBS WILL WIN: MVP (Lee), Rolaids Relief Man (Marmol), Manager of the Year, Executive of the Year, Gold Glove (all positions), Silver Slugger (all positions)

PROJECTED RECORD: 120-42.

CHICAGO CUBS GOT THE GREATEST FANS! YOU'RE SINGING NOW, GO CUBS GO! GO CUBS GO! HEY CHICAGO WHATTA YOU SAY? THE CUBS ARE GONNA WIN TODAY!

FINAL THOUGHTS: You guys probably think that record is crazy considering it would break the Cubs own record for wins in a season, but you have to figure that the Cubs play the Brewers 15 times. That's 15 wins right there. This is easily a 105 win team, but when you throw in playing the Brewers they suddenly become legen...wait for it.. and you people from Wisconsin try not to get too excited because the second part is your favorite thing in the world... dary.

Suck it, Brewer pricks. Packers suck.

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5 comments on “CUBBIES SEASON PREVEIW

  1. Anonymous on said:

    BYSD

  2. Gregor on said:

    Gotta admit, I cubeloled at the “legen-dary” joke.

  3. Citizens Bank Park Drunk on said:

    I have Dumpster on my fantasy team. I think I needed a better draft.

  4. Anonymous on said:

    Your retarded. That stupid Cubs song automatically gives the people who like it herpes. Also learn how to spell. Dairy…not dary…I hope a group of 3rd graders kick your a$$ with whiffle ball bats. Not the big “bam bam” red bats, the little skinny yellow ones.

  5. Anonymous on said:

    don’t forget the marlon byrd love. even though the guy is obviously on steroids (remember: he came up with the phillies as a fleet-footed CF, only to be permanently replaced by victorino and then to go to texas where he bulked up and was 20/80 or something last year) i mean, my uncle is a diehard cubs fan. not a stupid one, which is a hard difference to spot, but he’s a real one. i remember once at a game he called 2 aramis ramirez homeruns, an E-5 at 3B for the pirates, and then a soto homerun. that was his one day in the sun as far as i’m concerned… he took bets in may that the cubs would lose the division by at least 5 games and took fellow cubsfans’ money, and this year he tells me “they’re terrible… although i like their backup catcher” and granted this is a guy who wated a soto/57 jersey from 07 proper, but like, i think zambrano will be beastly this year. that’s about it. the cubs will suck much to the delight of wrigley north =D

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