Guide to Sneaking in Booze

BoozeBeltI don't know about you, but I can't make it through a nine inning baseball game (or church) without drinking some hard liquor. Man, I love getting wasted! Anyways since I am an old pro at this from sneaking booze into Wrigley I thought I would help you out. That's right, it's time for...

Miller Park Drunk's Guide to Sneaking in Booze

Okay, first thing is first buy your booze. Personally when I go to games I always go for Jager because I like to drink enough that I black out and get into a fight with a stranger. Plus, I like that when I spill Jager it blends right in with my Affliction shirt.

Anyways, once you have secured your alcohol it's time to get dressed.

Wear Baggy Clothes

This is the most important part. You aren't going to get anything in by carrying it in your hand, it has to be in your pocket and if it's in your pocket it can't be noticable. One time an usher asked me what I had in my pocket and I was like "uhh, it's my penis" and he was like "why is your penis on the side of your pants?" and I got scared and ran away, breaking the bottle in the process. DON'T DO THIS. Wear baggy clothes, preferably something with cargo pockets.

Transportation

Now, you can be cool like me and get a flask with your initials on it. One of those that has your last initial big in the middle? Awesome, pure pimp. I got it for being in my buddy's wedding which is especially funny when you think about how much he cheats on her. (I can't really blame him though, she got really fat when she got pregnant.) If you don't have a flask you can't use a water bottle and pour your booze into it.

Now, if you are using a clear liquor you can just carry this right in as most stadiums allow you to have water bottles as long as the bottle is sealed. How do you avoid breaking the seal? You could do what this guy did and use a needle and putty, but if you are anything like me you cheated on all your chemistry exams and have no idea what the hell he is talking about. Seriously, what the hell is a syringe?

James Bond type shit

This is what I do when I want to drink multiple types of liquors. I mean, I could just get some airplane bottles but what fun would that be? I like to take all the Purell, hand lotion (aka spank butter) and anything else I can find and fill it with booze. Then I take it and have whatever slut I am going to the game with put it in her purse. This turns out to be a ton of fun because you end up saying things like "Pour some hand sanitizer in my Coke bitch" while the dumbass kids in the family section are like "mommy why is that man drinking Purell?" and the mom doesn't know what to say so they end up moving. That reminds me always, ALWAYS bring booze with you if you are stuck in the family section. Kids are depressing man. One time this chick thought she was pregnant and I drank for like two weeks straight. Dodged a bullet there.

Another awesome spy move is the CamelBak. This works great in the spring and fall when you can get away with wearing a sweatshirt. This is especially great when you do pre-made drinks. Fill a CamelBak with some Long Islands and prepare to call a girl a bitch for not flashing. GOOD TIMES!!!

Try to Save Some

Perhaps the most important rule of all. You have to have enough booze to make it through the entire game. If it gets to be the seventh inning and they do beer cutoff and you don't have anything left to drink then you have to leave. It's a law, look it up. It's in the Wrigleyville statutes. Then again that's not always a bad thing because the earlier you leave, the earlier you can go to a bar. Baseball games are kind of a sausage fest.

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8 comments on “Guide to Sneaking in Booze

  1. Anonymous on said:

    You slipped up on calling it MPD’s Guide.

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  5. Anonymous on said:

    Good advice…and funny, too. I usually just do the airplane minis and buy a pop. It beats dropping $7.50 for a 16 ounce bottle of MGD. The bad thing is that during the playoff games against Phili I had a few too many in the 400 level seats (steep) and kind of remember having a hell of a time walking down the stairs when the game was over.

  6. Anonymous on said:

    What the… you said Wrigley twice.. are you a CUBS FAN!?!?!?! We’ve got a FIB on our hands folks.

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  8. Anonymous on said:

    im going to a theme park tomorrow with my school, my best friend and i love tequila and we want to have fun at the park with something to drink but how do we get it in? any ideas?

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