Guide to Opening Day: Dress for Success

Miller Park Drunk Guide To Opening Day

Dress For Success

As the kickoff to our Guide to Opening Day 2009, we are going to talk about fashion. I hate to go all Queer Eye on you guys, but what you wear matters. It matters for comfort, it matters for fandom, it matters for not looking like a douchebag, it matters for many reasons. That's why I'm here, to guide you. That's why this is a guide.

Your Head

Hats are cool and they are almost a requirement for a baseball fan to wear to a game. It's pretty hard to mess up wearing a baseball cap. Yet, somehow thousands of douchebags do it every day. Here's a list of a few classic DON'Ts.

DON'T WEAR YOUR HAT LIKE THIS

sideways hats look stupid

Straight or backwards. That's it, no exceptions (notable exception: Rerun, if Rerun is going to the game he can wear his hat sideways. Nobody else.). Especially don't do that thing where the hat is like "resting" on the top of your head showing off all your stupid hair. I really hate that.

WEAR A FITTED HAT

Unless it's like a really cool design retro hat, your hat better be fitted. If you read this site and you wear a Brewers hat that you got free with an oil change, you are not allowed to read this site anymore. I'm not kidding. Leave. Now.

DON'T EVEN CONSIDER THIS

upside down visor preferred headwear of douchebags everywhere

I will forfeit my season tickets to punch you in the face. I am not even kidding. I don't care how good it looks with your new Ryan Braun t-shirt.

Your Shirt

Much of this is covered in our classic post, Let's Talk About Jerseys, but today we'll extend a bit further. For starters...

DON'T WEAR ONE OF THOSE RYAN BRAUN SHIRTS

(see what I did there?)

affliction dbag

Or your Affliction shirt. I know, you work out and you want to prove to everyone that you have muscles and stuff. This doesn't change the fact that you look like a total d-bag.

TO THE LADIES: DRESS ATTRACTIVELY

I don't even really feel like I need to say this because I am on record as saying every girl looks about 5x hotter in Brewers gear, but it's Good Friday so you never know.

THE RULE OF JERSEYS

turnbow

The rule of jerseys is this: if you have a jersey with a player's name on it and that player is now on another team you cannot wear that jersey anymore. If that player is retired, you can. Molitor, in. Sabathia, out.

NEVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WEAR A JERSEY WITH YOUR OWN NAME ON IT

Seriously.

Your Feet

This is more of a general warning. Last year on Opening Day I wore sandals. It was a nice day and I found the sandals to be quite comfortable. However, what I failed to account for is the consequence of a sellout crowd where virtually everyone in attendance showed up early to tailgate. I do not like other people's piss on my bare feet. This season, I'm wearing shoes.

Miscellaneous

  • If you have kids, please make them wear this:
    kid brat
  • If at all possible, shave something into your chest like my man Jim.

    If you think that's impressive you should see the #28 on his back.

  • If you're going to wear a novelty costume make it cool. Human keg is kinda lame, but acceptable. Lucha libre mask is not (sorry guy). Use your best judgement here and ask all your friends before you do it. Let's make it a rule of three, if three people say it's stupid then it's stupid.
  • NO ZUBAZ
    zubaz must die

Vince Morales is the guy who runs this site. He likes the Milwaukee Brewers, pro wrestling and beer. If he offended you he is very, very sorry.

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18 comments on “Guide to Opening Day: Dress for Success

  1. Pingback: Guide to Opening Day: Dress for Success | Miller Park Drunk

  2. And No PACKERS shit….period !!!

    This isn’t football season….I’ve wanted to puke for years on how many #4 jerseys or Packer Starter jackets would grace the crowd on opening day.

    Get a clue…people.

  3. Cleveland Frowns on said:

    Enjoyed this post. Went to Miller Park when the Tribe played the Angels there and had a blast. You make good points here, esp. re: hats and jerseys, but what do you have against Zubaz? You don’t really explain. Not sure Zubaz is necessarily a bad thing.

  4. Emily on said:

    I’m a chick so I feel like it’s ok that I say this, but I really hate it when people mix the retro logo and the current logo. We all love the ball and glove and if I could wear it everyday I would! But seriously guys, pay attention– I will not hit on you if you are wearing a retro hat and a current jersey or vice versa. And if you hit on me, I will likely be mean. I live in Chicago and I’m used to being incredibly rude to baseball fans.

    Keep up the good work guys, I am absolutely obsessed with your site.

  5. Tape on said:

    1) @Cleveland Frowns: if you aren’t sure why Zubaz are bad… well, let’s just say you’re beyond hope.

    2) @Emily: YES! First of all, you probably should be rethinking your priorities if you’re buying new-logo Brewers gear in the first place. I’m willing to give people a pass on this, though, mostly because there’s probably more new-logo merch being manufactured these days. However, if you are wearing proper Brewers gear with the best sports logo of all time, you abso-frickin-lutely may NOT wear new-logo gear. This should be grounds for ejection from the stadium or season-ticket revocation.

    Hopefully I’ll make it out to a game from my adopted home of Boston this summer and show some of the the clowns how fandom is done.

  6. J dot on said:

    Well done, sir. That Zubaz picture is priceless.

  7. No Zubaz?! That’s not the Wisconsin I remember…

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  10. Derek on said:

    I could not justify spending $250 for an authentic jersey with a player name and number on it so I got my name. In a couple years when prince is gone instead of having a $250 dish rag I will still have my jersey that I will rock at games. SUCK IT!

  11. Pingback: A picture worth a thousand words | Miller Park Drunk

  12. Anonymous on said:

    Special note to Cub fan. Don’t show up to Miller wearing your Ryne Handjob jersey when the Brewers are playing the Cardinals. You don’t look cool. You are not being controversial. In fact, the only thing you are doing is showing the people of Wisconsin that you cannot read a fucking calendar. Either that or you are deaf and can’t hear your own mom crying because she squeezed a 290 pound douchebag out of her wizzpot.

  13. Anonymous on said:

    Dude, if you even have to ask why Zubaz are questionable for non-ironic or Halloween reasons….

    Thoroughly agree on the Cub jersey take. Wearing the jersey of teams other than those playing is generally douchey, but you are complete loser if you wear a rival’s jersey if they’re not playing in that game.

    Only sporting event that outside jerseys are remotely acceptable is March Madness, when everyone is allowed to represent.

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    Hi all highly nices guide …i feel it is possible to go to check out the webpage , it genuine incredibly good

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