Dress For Success
As the kickoff to our Guide to Opening Day 2009, we are going to talk about fashion. I hate to go all Queer Eye on you guys, but what you wear matters. It matters for comfort, it matters for fandom, it matters for not looking like a douchebag, it matters for many reasons. That's why I'm here, to guide you. That's why this is a guide.
Hats are cool and they are almost a requirement for a baseball fan to wear to a game. It's pretty hard to mess up wearing a baseball cap. Yet, somehow thousands of douchebags do it every day. Here's a list of a few classic DON'Ts.
DON'T WEAR YOUR HAT LIKE THIS
Straight or backwards. That's it, no exceptions (notable exception: Rerun, if Rerun is going to the game he can wear his hat sideways. Nobody else.). Especially don't do that thing where the hat is like "resting" on the top of your head showing off all your stupid hair. I really hate that.
WEAR A FITTED HAT
Unless it's like a really cool design retro hat, your hat better be fitted. If you read this site and you wear a Brewers hat that you got free with an oil change, you are not allowed to read this site anymore. I'm not kidding. Leave. Now.
DON'T EVEN CONSIDER THIS
I will forfeit my season tickets to punch you in the face. I am not even kidding. I don't care how good it looks with your new Ryan Braun t-shirt.
Much of this is covered in our classic post, Let's Talk About Jerseys, but today we'll extend a bit further. For starters...
DON'T WEAR ONE OF THOSE RYAN BRAUN SHIRTS
(see what I did there?)
Or your Affliction shirt. I know, you work out and you want to prove to everyone that you have muscles and stuff. This doesn't change the fact that you look like a total d-bag.
TO THE LADIES: DRESS ATTRACTIVELY
I don't even really feel like I need to say this because I am on record as saying every girl looks about 5x hotter in Brewers gear, but it's Good Friday so you never know.
THE RULE OF JERSEYS
The rule of jerseys is this: if you have a jersey with a player's name on it and that player is now on another team you cannot wear that jersey anymore. If that player is retired, you can. Molitor, in. Sabathia, out.
NEVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WEAR A JERSEY WITH YOUR OWN NAME ON IT
This is more of a general warning. Last year on Opening Day I wore sandals. It was a nice day and I found the sandals to be quite comfortable. However, what I failed to account for is the consequence of a sellout crowd where virtually everyone in attendance showed up early to tailgate. I do not like other people's piss on my bare feet. This season, I'm wearing shoes.
- If you have kids, please make them wear this:
- If at all possible, shave something into your chest like my man Jim.
- If you're going to wear a novelty costume make it cool. Human keg is kinda lame, but acceptable. Lucha libre mask is not (sorry guy). Use your best judgement here and ask all your friends before you do it. Let's make it a rule of three, if three people say it's stupid then it's stupid.