Well, it happened again. Someone had sex in the bathroom (with another person) of a Major League park that wasn't me. I mean, what the hell man? It's not like I haven't tried. Okay, maybe I haven't really tried at all but still. For the amount of games I go to you would think that the opportunity would have arisen by now. It's like catching a foul ball right?
Luckily, unlike catching a foul ball there is something I can do about it. No, I'm not talking about roofies. I would never share those. I'm talking about taking matters into my own hands. I'm talking about emailing every known bathroom sex having person and asking them how they did it. I'm talking about soliciting the advice of experts. So unlike my guides for sneaking in booze, getting over a hangover or killing a homeless man in the parking lot and disposing of his body before game time (whoops haven't written that one yet), this is a guide of something that I haven't actually done yet. This is a guide to guide me too. It's an interactive experience here at Miller Park Drunk.
Since much of our fanbase is made up of women we will be providing guides for both men and women. Up first, the ladies.
How to Have Sex In The Bathroom of A Sports Stadium If You Are Female
- Get drunk, like "wooo we're doin' shots!" drunk.
- Ask someone to have sex with you in the bathroom.
- Have sex with someone in the bathroom.
Okay, that was easy. For men, it's going to be a bit more complicated.
How To Have Sex In the Bathroom of A Sports Stadium If You Are Male
- Get drunk. Well, you need to get drunk but not "so drunk". Just drunk enough that thoughts like "she's really not that pretty", "should I even be doing this?" and "is she even awake?" don't phase you. In other words drunk enough that you stop thinking like a pussy.
- Find an equal or greater than drunk lady. Say the following seven things.
- "What's your name?"
- "Man, I'm drunk how about you?"
- "Haha, yeah. Where you from?" (the further the better)
- "Awesome my (made up friend/relative) is from there. Do you know where the bathroom is?"
- "Can you show me? And like come into the bathroom with me for, you know, sexual relations?"
- "Really? REALLY!? OMIGOD YES! Let's go right now before you change your mind."
- "Umm, I'm not trying to be a dick or anything and I TOTALLY want to do this, but you don't have any STDs do you?"
- "Ehh, that's alright. I have a condom." (Alternate response: "Haha, me too.")
- You might think that convincing her would be the hardest part of the equation, but it's not. Just like I can easily get the girls to meet me for a drink off of match.com, getting them to talk to me once we get there is a whole other story. (They act like they've never seen a prosthetic hand before.) Getting her to say yes is easy, getting her to enter the men's bathroom is a whole other story. The way I see it you have three major obstacles to overcome.
- The douchebags: These are the guys who will see you enter the bathroom with a lady (normally, you have to cut in front of them) who will yell out obscene things. This is another reason you can't get too drunk, your wit has to remain sharp. You have to be ready to combat. If someone yells "Are you two gonna fuck!?" You have to kindly tell them that you are not, you are going to "make love". Who cares if you don't remember her name, what matters is it sounds good. If someone calls her a lewd name like a "whore" or a "slut", you have to tell them that they are just jealous because they would never have a chance with a fine specimen such as she. This is so untrue that she might even laugh (after all she is having sex with a stranger in a bathroom), but she will smile and maybe even try to convince herself that what you are saying is true even though her dad has told her it's not many, many times.
- The general cleanliness of the men's room: You are pretty obviously going into one of the stalls for this one. There's too many kids (Mommy!?) and too many people trying to join in for you to do it anywhere else. This is perhaps the biggest obstacle you will face. I mean, the men's room is NASTY. First things first, FLUSH. What is up with that? Flushing is like the coolest part of going to the bathroom, why would anyone want to skip it? Regardless, you almost definitely need to do this ASAP.
Unfortunately that's probably not even the grossest part of the stall. Did you know that people piss on the seat in the toilet?! It's true! (Which honestly I never understood. It's not like there's any women in the men's room that we need to establish our dominance over by pissing on the seat like at home or in a port-o-potty. Just flip the thing up, we're among friends guys.) Your next step is to wipe this crap up. Toilet paper will work, but the pink JJ Hardy you strip off of her is probably better for sopping up someone else's pee. It's like getting laid twice.
If someone has thrown up in your stall, you just need to fight through it. Do your best to keep away from it, but by this point it is too late to switch stalls. Like a poker hand, you are all in.
- The position: There is no good answer for this. Standing up might work, but based on the type of girl who is likely to want to have sex with you in the bathroom of a sports stadium you may have a hard time lifting her up. You could sit on the toilet seat and have her be on top of you, but again based on the type of girl who is likely to want to have sex with you in the bathroom that's probably not be a good idea either. The truth is, it doesn't matter what position you are in as long as you can get it over with quickly. The idea here is to have sex, not have good sex. There's no need to be Dirk Diggler in there.
- Once you are finished, leave the stall as quickly as possible. Who cares if she isn't wearing/is missing articles of clothing? You aren't giving her underwear back either way and it's not like you will ever talk to her again. Good luck on your ultimate walk of shame whatever your name is!
- Raise your arms in victory. A well played bathroom sex will draw a crowd and once you exit you need to play to that crowd. Flex your arms like Hulk Hogan, kiss your biceps and if you have a cell phone with music on it, it is not only totally okay to blast "We Are The Champions" on it, it's encouraged. You should be hi-fiving people until your hand hurts. Honestly, it's your duty to the rest of us.
So there you go.