03
Jul 12

FASHION UPDATE: Put your clothes on

VINCE:Hey Steph, what is the deal with all these dudes taking their shirts off in the parking lot at Miller Park? I think I saw more bad tattoos than Brewers logos at the game we went to a couple of weeks ago. Is this in any way acceptable? I say no, but maybe that's just because I don't have any sweet tats brah. I mean, I'm not going to pretend that I've never stripped my shirt off to do the Macarena, but there is a specific time and place where that kind of thing is appropriate. Like a bar mitzvah. You have to read your surroundings when you are doing that stuff and a parking lot filled with people is not that time or that place.In my mind there are maybe six people who can pull off the "casually hanging out in public without a shirt on" look and those people are Matthew McConaughey, D'Angelo, Channing Tatum, Ryan Gosling, David Beckham and John C. Reilly. Oh, and Joel McHale. I'm pretty gay for Joel McHale. (hi joel ;)) Pretty sure none of those dudes are tailgating at Miller Park this season so everyone else needs to shirt up, period. I don't care how hot it is. This isn't the beach. You aren't playing with sand toys. Nobody wants to see your back tattoo that reads "PLEASE FORGIVE ME" or watch you drip a glob of mustard off of your brat and into your taco meat. Please keep your shirt on.
Now am I just a hater because I am more Louis CK than Donald Glover with my shirt off? Or am I right about this one? Please tell me I'm right.
STEPH: Now I understand that I am the (sometimes) proud owner of a vagina but I don't really love seeing dudes without their shirts, it makes me feel uncomfortable. I find myself staring at their nipples and then checking out their abs or lack thereof. 9 out of 10 times, the men that are shirtless at Miller Park are essentially some form of this lad.
I understand that manning a grill while drinking booze in the sun can get a fella a little heated but, Jesus Christ, keep the shirts on. There is no way that tailgating without a shirt is acceptable, how can going sans shirt be that much more refreshing than wearing, say, a cotton t-shirt? The bottom line is that guys are douche bags. Douche bags like to be shirtless. Shirtless dudes end up on Cops. So, in conclusion if you are at Miller Park without a shirt on you will end up on Cops.
VINCE: I'm glad we settled this. I think we should rank taking your shirt off in the parking lot slightly behind "jerseys with your name on it" and "Brewers heels", but above "mixing old and new logos" and "being Front Row Amy" in the Official Miller Park Fashion Rules.
A few thoughts before we go.
1. Is that a cell phone or a pocket knife on his belt? If it's a pocket knife this dude might be a secret genius because, really, those Miller Lite punch top cans are way too hard to punch. And this is coming from a guy who has a lot of extra wrist strength if you know what I mean.
2. There is no way in hell that guy doesn't listen to "Red Solo Cup" four or five times a day. No way. (By the way, "Red Solo Cup" is such an awful song that I am planning on having blue or green Solo cups at the Pants Party just to avoid the off chance that someone gets that song stuck in my head.)
3. Seriously though, your boyfriend looks really cute in this picture.
STEPH: He does, doesn't he? Way better than this shirtless dickface.

Aren't we funny? Don't we seem cool to hang with? Come hang with us at Miller Park Drunk's Pants Party 2 7/15 at Miller Park. Check out our facebook page for food and drink options.


25
Feb 12

MPD SPECIAL FASHION REPORT: Brewers heels

So this is something that is actually happening in real life right now...

Stephanie: I, as are many of you, am riding high on Braun winning his appeal Thursday and then him absolutely crushing his statement Friday. (Did you guys see his hair? And that navy blue button down jacket thing with all of the pockets? Am I starting to like this new Braun?) But then Vince brought me back down to Earth and by Earth I mean a special Hell on Earth where Milwaukee Brewer themed suede pumps are a thing.

The website reads, “PLEASE BE CERTAIN YOU WANT THESE SHOES BEFORE YOU BUY. Due to demand, these shoes are currently available by Pre-Order ONLY.”

What stupid twats are ordering those fucking things? I love the Brewers with my entire being, but I do not want to wear high heels plastered with blue and yellow to a baseball game (you all know my thoughts on heels at the ballpark by now). Oh and they are suede! SUEDE!! Do you know what beer does to suede?? Well you are gonna find out when you wear them to opening day, dickholes.

I guess, we must now begin to mentally prepare ourselves for the parade of fat chicks we will see waddling into Miller Park wearing these heels with jean skirts this summer.

Vince: These heels are kind of conflicting to me. I mean, not liking the Brewers is like number three on Vince's Oh No-No's List (I learned my lesson on that one (that intro..ugh.)) I need to be with someone who loves this team at least 1/10th as much as I do. A girl wearing these heels would be a good sign that she might be worthy of hanging with vintown. On the other hand, oh my god are you frickin' kidding me? The only people who should own these heels are the kind of people who let their kids dress them before a night out on the town. Pink bra? Sure! White tank top? Sure! Brewers heels? Sure! These girls don't care what they look like, they only care that they are wearing clothes and that those clothes are covering their naughty parts (but not too much, wink wink.)

Actually, you know what, I'm sorry there is one other type of person who would like to own these. Really weird roleplaying sex perverts. If you want your wife/girlfriend to dress up like Ryan Braun on your birthday and play a couple rounds of bat and ball with you, that's your business. Buy these heels and never break up with her because she is ruined for the rest of humanity.

Look, I love the Brewers. LOVE the Brewers and the idea of a down ass bitch wearing her Brewers pride on her sleeve (feet?) is appealing to me, but this is just too far. This isn't Nam. This is fashion. There are rules.


17
Feb 12

MPD answers your fashion questions

Is it still proper to wear my Prince Fielder jerseys to Miller Park? My view is he gave so many great years of his career here, and many memorable moments. Obviously, one of the top Brewers of All-Time. So I say I am ok with wearing them, and I wouldn't pass judgement on others who do the same (but really people, the John Jaha ones have to go). What are your views on this MPD? - John

Is this a joke? Prince Fielder is a Detroit Tiger. The ink on his contract isn't even fresh and you want to honor his contributions to the team? Get a grip. Save that shit til 2020 when they give him a bobblehead and add him to the Walk of Fame.

I think people who think it's okay with wearing the jerseys of people who leave the team (the very next season, no less) are the same kind of people who think it's better to be friends with your ex instead of never talking to them again. What's the point? We got what we wanted out of them, had some good times and then things went south and you moved on. Prince Fielder is a Detroit Tiger, he doesn't love you anymore, it's time to move on. Continue reading →


16
Feb 12

The many styles of Ryan Braun, part four

After thinking Ryan Braun looked so good yesterday the Fashion Police return to find Braunie Remetee-ing it up again.

 

Tyler: I'm going to tap out at 3 photos. I don't know how much more I can write about Ryan Braun's fashion sense this lifetime.

Stephanie: There is absolutely nothing positive I can say about this. Oh wait, at least his hair is short here? This is the worst out of all of his outfits thus far. It combines all the worst elements of a wardrobe; dbag t-shirt, embellished man jeans and some odd pinstripe suit coat. The only explanation is that he was all strung out on LimeLite and Valtrex when he decided on wearing this outfit. Continue reading →


16
Feb 12

Miller Park Fashion No-No: This Time It’s Personal(ized)

We've written a lot about fashion faux pas this week. But worse than jean skirts, "shirseys" and anything Ryan Braun wears is one type of garment.

The personalized jersey.

Gaze around Miller Park during any given game and you're bound to see at least a few strange (primarily German) last names and unfamiliar digits not belonging to any current Brewer each shoddily attached to replica jerseys. This abomination of thread and fabric somehow manages to be simultaneously tacky and overpriced. It does the work of both highlighting a team's super fans as well as immediately revoking the credibility of said team's entire fan base by association. In short, they must be stopped.

Continue reading →

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