Hours after the news broke Macha admitted that he made a "huge mistake" and regrets anyone he may as hurt in his matter. He said, simply, "It's not my fault. It's these damn kids with their rock 'n' rollin music, drinking and carrying on that is keeping me up all night. I remember when a good night's sleep started when the sun went down. It's not like that anymore and I did what I had to do."

While not currently considered a PED, Ambien is still a powerful insomnia drug that is known to put it's users right to sleep. It is not currently suspected that Macha used the drug during any games, but judging by the Brewers 80-82 record last season some skeptics remain.

When reached for comment Texas Rangers outfielder Josh Hamilton said his situation and Macha's bore no resemblance.

"The only time I took Ambien was after a three day coke binge where I couldn't fall asleep and I couldn't do any more cocaine (because the dealer wasn't returning my calls). As far as I'm concerned Ken Macha taking Ambien to fall asleep at 7:30 on a Saturday night bears no resemblance to my situation."

Commissioner Bud Selig, as well as Brewers owner Mark Attanasio, have said that Macha would face no punishment for his use of Ambien and that he will start the 2010 season as the Brewers manager. "Ken Macha is a hero," said Selig "I know what it's like living in Milwaukee with all those drunk people. I mean, they're so loud. Don't they work in the morning? It's about time someone stood up for themselves and got to bed at a decent hour."

In addition for testing positive for Ambien, tests showed high levels of Ovaltine in Macha's blood. Brewers general manager Doug Melvin said that while the Ambien did not bother him, the Ovaltine did.

"Why do they call it Ovaltine?" Melvin said. "The mug is round. The jar is round. They should call it round tine."

Miller Park Drunk's Guide to St. Patrick's Day

Are You Irish?

If Yes: Shut up about it. Nobody wants to hear about how you are really Irish so you "deserve" to be drunk today more than the rest of us.Unless you were born in Ireland, you don't deserve a thing. Nobody wants to hear your pre-apology because you are celebrating you are heritage.  Nobody cares. Stop being a douchebag.

If No: Do not, under any circumstances say "everyone is Irish today!" Or worse, bust out the "Irish today, hungover tomorrow" “joke”. What are you, ten years old? Do you also say "I know you are, but what am I?" and "Psyche!"? Seriously, that is the most cliché, lame thing you can say. DOUCHEBAG!

Serious question: Which of these two is more annoying? There is more of the "No" people, but the "Yes" people are just so damn annoying they might just win this thing.

When Should I Start Drinking?

Depends really. Do you have anything to do, like work? Do you have anything to do important the next day? I mean, I'm all for getting drunk whenever you feel like it but we have to remember that this holiday does fall on a Wednesday and two weeks before baseball season is not the best time to get fired.

My general rule of thumb on things like this is to get drunk as soon as possible. If you have to work, drink a little before work and then proceed to drink Jameson out of a flask all day. You're probably thinking that this contradicts what I just said about getting fired, but if you work in any sort of office environment you can be pretty sure that you're boss comes to work everyday with a bottle of vodka and a gun in his briefcase. (The former to give him the guts to use the latter, which thankfully never comes. That would be awkward.) Pretty sure that guy isn't going to say anything about a little whiskey on your breath. Besides, that's what they make Mentos for.

If you don't work? Why the hell are you reading this?!

What Should I Drink?

Someone apparently put the idea in everyone's head that on St. Patrick's Day you should "drink like an Irishman" and only drink Guinness and Jameson. I don't see you drinking wine on Bastille Day. I don't see you downing brandy old fashions and hitting me with a coat hanger on Father's Day. I actually had someone tell me that they were going to get a case of Jameson for St. Patty's Day. That is, without a doubt, the stupidest thing I have ever heard. First of all, if you were really going to "drink like an Irishman" you would be downing a high alcohol content mouthwash and huffing gasoline. Second of all, you are trying to get drunk not get arrested for public defecation. It's good to have a couple of Guinness and maybe a shot or two of Jameson, but there is no need to throw off your entire drinking makeup by changing up the gameplan. If you normally drink vodka, drink vodka. If you normally drink Miller Lite, drink Miller Lite. Don't mess with a good thing.

One more thing, stick with the bottled beer because the bartender will probably put some green dye in your draft. It's kind of cool the first time. The next ten? Not so much. Especially when you throw up later. I do not like green eggs and ham, I do not like them Sam I Am.

What Should I Eat?

Lucky Charms: Okay.
Soda bread: Ehhh, to each their own.
Corned Beef: Awesome.
Cabbage: Only with above. Alone or in soup? BORING.
Irish Stew: Okay.
Reuben: woohoo.
Anything mint-y: Gross.

What Should I Wear?

I can understand the wearing of green colors, Irish alcoholic drink related t-shirts and stupid hats and/or sunglasses. I really can, even if I don't really want to. I don't understand the "(blank) me I'm Irish)" and other shirts in that style. I mean, you don't see me wearing shirts that say 'I am not quite sure of my heritage, but I know that some of it is Costa Rican so have sex with me tonight'. You don't see Ryan Braun busting out the "Ask me to do your taxes, I'm Jewish" shirt or Prince busting out the "You know what's up [arrow pointing down]" shirt. Aren't we just encouraging racial stereotypes here? Shouldn't we be looking at people for who they are on the inside instead of  just "f@%#-ing" them because they are Irish? Isn't that why these Irish folk came to America in the first place?

You know what else I can't understand? The face painting. I feel like we've been over this before, but I really want you to listen to me this time. Girls are attractive, even if they are ugly. They are girls, they have girl-y parts. Guys like that. What guys don't like is shamrocks painted on their faces. What guys don't like is green eye shading. What are you, a linebacker for the Jets? Seriously.

I don't really know what else to say about this day. It's a day to get way too drunk for no reason and enjoy the company of a bunch of other idiots who like to get way too drunk for no reason. Some people like that, some people don't. Make no mistake about it, this day means absolutely nothing to any of us. People seem to forget that St. Patrick is a religious figure who "saved" the Irish by leading them to Christianity (or something). Instead of going to mass, we get drunk. Instead of praying, people get up at 8 AM to go to a bar and drink Ireland's finest spirits. Somehow, I don't think this is what Sanctus Patricisus had in mind.

I don't know what else to say about it. Go out, get drunk, have fun, do something that you can tell a story about later.

Okay, I did it. I'm drunk. Now I'm home, what should I do now?

I don't know. Chat Roulette?

Before I get to the Cubs, I want to say a few things about some of the things that have been going on at this god forsaken site lately.

• I don't see what everyone's problem with Ryan Braun's restaurant hiring good looking people. We do this in Chicago all the time. You know why? Because if we hired a fat girl to work at Giordano's she'd eat all the pizza!
• Here's something I actually agreed with, the Opening Day post. I love Opening Day because I can go down to Wrigley Field about 8am and start doing Jager bombs. I usually get so drunk I totally miss the game, lol. One time my boy Danno got so wasted he got thrown out of the bleachers. That's like getting arrested in jail. Classic. I never miss Opening Day.
• You people in Milwaukee have some crappy tattoos. You need to get some cool barbed wire around your muscle like me. You'd probably have to stop eating cheese and actually work out to do that though. NEVERMIND!
• Finally, this pro wrestling post may be the most pathetic thing I've ever seen. What's next, MPD? What Star Trek characters are Brewers? What Dungeons N Dragons guys are Brewers? What Brewer would be the best at World of Warcraft? Way to show your nerd colors, nerd.

Enough of this stupid Brewer talk because the BREWERS SUCKKKK!. Let's talk about a real baseball team. Let's talk about YOUR CHICAGO CUBBIES!

BASEBALL SEASONS HERE AGAIN, YOU CAN CATCH THE GAMES ON WGN. DOOT DOOT DOOT, DOOT DOOT. HEY CHICAGO WHATTA YOU SAY? THE CUBS ARE GOING TO WIN TODAY!

KEY LOSS: Milton Bradley. Hey Milton, thanks for ruining 2009. I really appreciated that. Look what this stupid idiot said:

"Two years ago, I played, and I was good, I go to Chicago, not good. I've been good my whole career. So, obviously, it was something with Chicago, not me."

YEAH THATS IT. It was Chicago's fault you couldn't hit! Jerk. Losing Milton gives the Cubbies another ten wins on it's own.

GO CUBS GO, GO CUBS GOOO. HEY CHICAGO WHATTA YOU SAY? THE CUBS ARE GONNA WIN TODAY

OTHER KEY LOSS: Reed Johnson. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

When I found out he was leaving I went up to the first girl I saw and called her a bitch. It's the only way I could properly express my feelings. So, sorry about that mom.

/cries in Old Style

GO CUBS GO! GO CUBS GO! HEY MILLER PARK DRUNK READERS WHATTA YOU SAY? THE CUBS ARE GOING TO WIN TODAY!

KEY ADDITION: Marlon Byrd. The best thing about Marlon Byrd? HE'S NOT MILTON BRADLEY! +100 WINS

pleasedontbeanothergarymatthewsjrpleasedontbeanothergarymatthewsjrpleasedontbeanothergarymatthewsjr

Another key addition is my local tavern adding the new Budweiser 55 calorie beer. That stuff is great.

OFFENSE MVP: Derrick Lee. How many seasons does he have to do this before you guys understand? HE IS THE MAN.

You know who else is the man? Christian Audigier. I owe my life to that guy.

/throws up the scissors

PITCHING MVP: Ummmm, ahhh.... STRENGTH IN NUMBERS! Yeah! I'll take our 5 starters over any other teams 5 starters! Any! Day! Of the! Week!

True story: My buddy Mick's old girlfriend met Ryan Dempster at a bar downtown one night and she was like "hay arent u ryan dempster" and hes like "ya wanna have sex with me right now in the bathroom?" and she was like "ok lets go" and he was like "ok follow me" and then they did it in the bathroom! My buddy Mick was so proud that he didn't even get mad about it. The best part of the story? She said I was bigger than Dumpster! That chick banged everybody, man.

GO CUBS GO! GO CUBS GO! HEY WISCONSIN DOUCHEBAGS WHATTA YOU SAY? THE CUBS ARE GOING TO WIN TODAY!

AWARDS THE CUBS WILL WIN: MVP (Lee), Rolaids Relief Man (Marmol), Manager of the Year, Executive of the Year, Gold Glove (all positions), Silver Slugger (all positions)

PROJECTED RECORD: 120-42.

CHICAGO CUBS GOT THE GREATEST FANS! YOU'RE SINGING NOW, GO CUBS GO! GO CUBS GO! HEY CHICAGO WHATTA YOU SAY? THE CUBS ARE GONNA WIN TODAY!

FINAL THOUGHTS: You guys probably think that record is crazy considering it would break the Cubs own record for wins in a season, but you have to figure that the Cubs play the Brewers 15 times. That's 15 wins right there. This is easily a 105 win team, but when you throw in playing the Brewers they suddenly become legen...wait for it.. and you people from Wisconsin try not to get too excited because the second part is your favorite thing in the world... dary.

Suck it, Brewer pricks. Packers suck.

Now, another one of my friends is Craig, Craig List. You may know him as the owner/creator of craigslist. I contacted him about this ad and he told me that this is actually the second draft of this ad as he said he couldn't post the first ad. I got to thinking, how bad could the first ad have been considering this is the same site that often advertises porn casting couches for sale and personal ads for WoW nerds. So I emailed Craig back and he gladly sent me over the original copy of Braun's employment ad. Read at your own risk.

Our 3 TIME ALL STAR is assembling a NEW TEAM
Our old team STRUCK OUT in the boner department so we fired them
Our fresh new TEAM PLAYERS will be hot and include:
Servers, Bartenders, Hosts, Bussers and Kitchen

Models that are bartenders will be included in the STARTING LINEUP

We are all EOE and shit, but you shouldn't apply for the following positions unless you fit the criteria to be a BALLER

HOSTS: Underage girls who like to drink. Preferably under 18 so that we can do something special on your 18th birthday, like have sex with you. (lol like we'll wait)
SERVERS: No fat chicks, gay dudes or single mothers. Daddy issues a plus. No experience required.
BARTENDERS: Are you a model? Have you ever poured a drink before? Do you know the difference between vodka and tequila? Can you do basic math? None of that matters as long as you said yes to the first question. If you are hot, apply!
BUSSERS: Where my Mexicans at?
KITCHEN: See Bussers.

People over 30 need not STEP UP TO THE PLATE unless you are like a totally hot cougar

You may send nude photos head shot a resume to RyanBraunsWaterfrontGrill@gmail.com for consideration

Apply in person at the Restaurant
102 N. Water Street
Milwaukee

Thursday, March 17th
Friday, March 18th
Saturday, March 19th
From NOON - 6pm

EOE

Seriously though, no fat chicks.

Oh, Braun.

Of course, he's right. Dave Nilsson and BJ Surhoff were probably the two best catchers the Brewers have had in the past twenty years and their best seasons came away from the dish. The rest of the list is filled with a who's who of backup catchers from other, far better teams. If your team has ever signed Jason Kendall and had him be considered an "upgrade", you can be pretty sure your catcher wasn't that good.

Of course, he's also wrong. You don't judge Gregg Zaun by the same standard that you judge, say, Corey Hart. A catcher's body gets extremely beaten up over the season (and in Jason Kendall's case, his face too), while Corey Hart's just gets tatt-ed up. Hitting isn't the be-all, end-all of the catcher position. As an outfielder or a DH, Gregg Zaun IS awful, but as a catcher he is average to above average. It's all relative. (He's also wrong because as of this writing Gregg Zaun is hitting .417 in spring training! WOOO!)

The real issue here is spring training. It doesn't matter and if there was anything else going on we would know that, but there isn't anything else going on so we don't. Spring training is exactly what the name implies, training. Warm up. Practice. Newspaper writers and FSN try to get you hyped up about this player's "strong spring" just to have something to talk about, but that's the only reason they're doing it. Often times the player making the team after a "strong spring" ends up cut, like Brad Nelson did last season. Getting excited over a player's showing in spring training is like getting excited that the stripper likes you. It's not real. (Except for Sapphire. She really likes me. I know it.)

Need an example? I've got a great one, JJ Hardy. Last year JJ Hardy hit .403 with 4 home runs in spring training and by September he was playing in Nashville. Do you honestly think he cared about his "strong spring"? Say what you want about JJ Hardy, but I am pretty sure he would have traded all of his spring training hits for a few more during the regular season. (Even if it would have cost him his sweet vacation.) Here's another, Jason Kendall hit 3 home runs last spring then hit two all season in six times as many games. Spring training means nothing. It's practice. We are talking about practice. Let's all try and remember that.