The 2012 season is long gone, but that doesn't mean that we are completely done with it. We still have a little unfinished business to take care of. Specifically:
About that hat... RT @millerparkdrunk biggst surprise has to be Morgan still being a Brewer. If he makes it through August I will eat my hat
— Ryan Haasl (@RH4ever) September 2, 2012
As we all know Nyjer Morgan made it all the way through the season as a Brewer, posting an uninspiring .239/.302/.308 slash line in a lame duck season where he was pretty much extraneous to the roster. It was a shock to me that other teams didn't want him, but at the same time I guess it shouldn't have been. While his 16 RBIs may seem compelling for a team in need of outfield help, this is the same guy who pooped in a Gatorade bottle and threw chewing tobacco at the Cardinals.
Still, I was wrong about Nyjer Morgan's future as a Brewer and I have to hone up to it. I made a promise to my fans and I never let down my fans. I'm man enough to stand behind my words and that's why I'm doing this. That's right...
Today I eat my f'n hat.
First ingredient to a next level Brewers Hat Brunch is a Brewers hat.
(Preferably one you got from your friend for free because his head was too big for one size fits all.)
And then you, uhh.. I don't know really. I guess you just eat it like that.
Okay, that doesn't really work. The hat is kind of hard and it tastes like crap. It needs... something. Whipped cream maybe?
Who doesn't like whipped cream? It's good on pumpkin pie and it's great on a stripper's ass, why wouldn't it be good on a Brewers hat? This should work out great.
Except it didn't. Whipped cream wasn't the answer and the hat still tasted like crap. I really should have thought this out a bit more.
I mean, whipped cream? What the hell was I thinking? We all know there is only one condiment that makes everything better. One condiment that can take something as boring and tasteless as a Communion wafer and make it into a culinary dream.
Of course, I'm talking about Sriracha sauce. Sriracha makes everything better. Sriracha is going to take this Brewers hat and turn it into a five star meal. The key is not to use too much.
At this point I am starting to get frustrated. I just want to eat this Brewers hat and prove to all of my followers that I am a man of my word, but the hat doesn't want to cooperate.
Maybe the hat just needs to be a bit warmer? A few minutes in the microwave should do the trick.
Five minutes should do it, right?
I realize now that I've been looking at this thing all wrong. The hat isn't a meal. You can't just eat a hat just like you can't just eat an onion. Hats are like vegetables and they should only be consumed in addition to meat. Never on their own. Who would eat just vegetables and no meat? An idiot, that's who.
After realizing this I knew the answer was a BREWERS HAT BURGER.
How do you make a Brewers Hat Burger, you ask? Simple:
- Saute mushrooms, onion and Brewers hat in olive oil until translucent
- Cook 1/2 pound burger to the temperature of bloody as hell
- BACON STRIPS
- Melt a handful of cheese curds on top
- Serve on a toasted bun
SO F'N GOOD! It's like two supermodels are having a three way with Ronald McDonald in my mouth.
Seriously, why haven't I done this a long time ago? This is the best burger I've ever had in my life. I wish I had a second Brewers hat to make another one. It was so good. I think I might serve this at Pants Party 3. I could barely finish it, but I did. I ate the whole thi-
I was wondering why I could barely taste the wool.
Okay, Brewers Hat Burger was a failure. Maybe the answer is Brewers Hat Omelet?
A Brewers hat omelet could be great, right? I could put eggs and bacon and sausage and ham and... shit. I don't have any of that stuff in the fridge. I also don't have any butter for the pan so I guess I'll just have to eat this like Rocky Balboa. RAW AND YOKEY.
A fork? I don't need no stinkin' fork.
Salmonella can s my d.
Unfortunately this may have been my most ill-advised hat meal yet as I didn't end up eating any of the hat and had to take a short break to go in the other room. I won't get too graphic, but I will say that what happened rhymes with "glowing punks" and "spitting my dance."
After my break I realized that I had been coming at this thing all wrong. I was try to do it myself in the kitchen when I am completely unprepared for this sort of thing. I am not a chef. My highest level of kitchen experience comes from being a sandwich artist at Cousins. I can't do this alone. I need to consult an expert, I need a cook book.
Hang on, I need my thinking cap.
After carefully selecting a recipe (Brewers Hat Chocolate Chip Casserole) I began preparing my dish exactly as the book said.
The book gave me an added level of confidence as I followed the recipe step by step. CHEF ROBERT IRVINE AIN'T GOT NOTHING ON ME. I pre-heated the oven and felt chills of excitement as I placed my culinary masterpiece into the oven.
I was overwhelmed by a sense of accomplishment. Soon I would be enjoying the greatest cooking accomplishment of my life. I set the timer on the oven and began to wait. I was giddy. I couldn't wait to eat my Brewers hat in a delicious casserole. I was going to post this recipe on AllRecipes.com and claim exclusivity. It was going to be amazing and then...
We were somehow able to save my hat from the fire, but I was completely dejected. Maybe I was meant to let down my fans. Maybe I wasn't suppose to eat my hat. Perhaps this was a sign that I should just give up. I was a failure and I knew it. I didn't know what to do. I was ready to quit and close up shop at Miller Park Drunk, but then it came to me. An answer that had been right in front of me all along.
You see, this site is called Miller Park Drunk. It isn't called Miller Park Eater. Or Miller Park Food Guy. It's called Miller Park Drunk and if I was going to consume my hat it wasn't going to be by eating it. No, I needed to drink that shit. So that's exactly what I set out to do.
STEP ONE: Get all the booze you can find and pour them into a blender along with your Brewers hat.
STEP TWO: Blend that shit.
(Warning: it may take up to four hours for hat to become liquid.)
STEP THREE: Find a cool cup and pour it up.
STEP FOUR: We drunk.
So there you have it. Miller Park Drunk once again proves itself as a website of great honor and high integrity. I said I'd eat my hat and I did and everything worked out great. Take that, haters.
Once again, in case you forgot, BEST IN THE WORLDDDDDD-
Oh, fuck it.
NEXT TIME WE EAT COREY HART'S BEARD