For the past two weeks I have been planning on NOT going to Opening Day. I got great tickets for Tuesday and I just didn't feel like paying the higher price for Opening Day tickets. I been there, I done that. (You got guns? Yo, I got straps.) Instead, I planned to have an Opening Day party and watching the game on TV. I make my own fun and there's nothing at the stadium that would really change that.

Well, some things have changed and I am now going to Opening Day (as a designated driver, seriously). That doesn't mean I still don't have these cool plans for an Opening Day party and that I can't share them with all of you.

  • Eat like you are there: Yeah it sucks that you're not there and you can't have those lighter fluid tasting brats that you would normally have and that probably sucks but that doesn't mean that you have to skip eating brats altogether. Maybe do a little grilling at home or just microwave a couple. Throw in some stadium sauce and the only thing missing is the $9 price tag. Well, that and the whole being at the game part.
  • Get drunk early in the morning: Or as my ex-girlfriend calls it "the reason I broke up with you, jerk."
  • Don't wait in traffic for an hour to pay for parking: Not going has many advantages.
  • Get a radio: Okay, so you're not going to Opening Day. Boo hoo. That doesn't mean that you can't experience Miller Park's greatest feature. You might think that was watching the game with a good crowd, tailgating or even the smells of the stadium, but the truth is that Miller Park's best feature is none of these. No, Miller Park's best feature is that when you go to the bathroom BOB UECKER DOES PLAY BY PLAY. I heard that this same bathroom play-by-play is played on the radio on WTMJ 620. Get a radio, put on the game and put it in the bathroom. Tell me this isn't an awesome idea. I dare you.
  • Boo the TV: See how stupid that sounds? You know it isn't going to change anything. Kind of like when you boo in person.
  • Don't walk through what may or may not be spilled beer mixed with urine
  • WATCH THE GAME: Hey, I love going to the game as much as the next guy but I'm the first to admit that you definitely process more of what you see when you watch it on TV. Endless replays, commentary (which is as big of a positive as it is a negative) and multiple camera angles all add to the improved viewing experience. Don't waste it by getting too drunk and not paying attention. Leave that to the people who actually go to the game.

Alright, I have to try and get some sleep. I still have some important things to do before I get up at 6 to get ready for the game.

Vince Morales is the guy who runs this site. He likes the Milwaukee Brewers, pro wrestling and beer. If he offended you he is very, very sorry.

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