Monday is my birthday, that's right I am one of the very lucky people to be born during the week of Christmas. I know, it's crazy right!? I didn't even know it was possible for people to be born around Christmas! (I've only had people make that observation about 15,000 times in my life and believe me it never gets old. How unlucky could I be!) I have spent the majority of my life having my birthday overlooked. My friends could never come to my birthday party because of "holiday commitments" or I would always get the dreaded birthday-slash-Christmas present which, honestly, makes you feel like a second class human being. You see these other people are worth two separate gifts, one for their birthday and one for Christmas, but you? You, you little bastard, are only worth one gift combined! Honestly, you have no idea how much we love your brothers more than you! You couldn't even imagine how much we don't love you, but trust us it's A LOT! We're getting divorced and it's all your fault! Y0u think I'm kidding? I can only remember one Christmas in my lifetime that I got separate birthday and Christmas gifts. For my birthday, Super Mario World for Super Nintendo! For Christmas? A Super Nintendo! That's right, I had to wait FOUR DAYS to play with my birthday gift. Thanks a lot, mom and dad.
Lest you think I am bitter, I have figured out how to move past this and start loving my birthday again. No, I didn't convert to Buddhism. (Those people don't celebrate shit.) I just figured out how to make it work and here's how I did it. Call it:
Drinking Heavily Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love My Birthday
- Gifts: You want gifts for your birthday? You're going to need a birthday between mid-January and Thanksgiving. Anything after that and you aren't getting anything special. If you are in the dead zone like me prepare to hear things like "I am saving your big gift for Christmas" or "I was going to get you (something you really wanted) but I blew all my money on Christmas, here's a keychain!" For people like me you have to realize that gifts are stupid anyways and you don't want anyone's stupid charity. This ends up being a double positive because when other people's birthdays roll around you don't have to get them anything because it's not like they got you anything. SUCK IT DICKWORMS.
- Party: The holidays mess people up. I have no idea why, but they do. Most people can't even comb their hair properly or wear a decent sweater around the holidays, so you can't expect them to plan a birthday party for you. No, you have to take this upon yourself. You could plan a party at your home, but I don't like to do that. I like to plan a party for myself at a bar. Why? I don't have to clean up and most people feel so badly about not getting you anything for your birthday that they will buy you a ton of drinks. I will take free drinks over a Nintendo Wii and getting laid for my birthday every year and not just because only one of those things is an actual option.
- Invite as many people as possible: This is the absolute key to throwing yourself a good birthday party and since you aren't having it at your own place you can invite all the heroin addicts you know. It doesn't even matter if you particularly like these people or if two of them have a history and might fight/have sex in the bathroom while your stepdad asks you if you had seen your mom lately, it just matters that you invite as many people as possible because inevitably half of them won't show up. Last year for my birthday there was a terrible snowstorm (ONE INCH!!!) on my birthday party night and I still had at least 15 people show up. Why? Because I invited a bunch of people with nothing better to do, that's why. (Also, because I am awesome.) Sure, I didn't know any of them but who cares? Anytime you can have this conversation on your birthday, you have to do it.
PERSON: You Vince?
PERSON: It's your birthday?
PERSON: Cool. You invited me.
ME: I did?
I mean, does this guy know how to party or what?
- Drink as much as possible: Do I have to say this? Yes, I have to say this. I know I have talk a big game, but I don't care how secure you are, if half the people you invite to your birthday party don't show up and you don't get any gifts from the people that do, you are going to feel down on yourself. If all my ex-girlfriends have taught me anything it's that drinking heavily makes me like you look prettier cures any low self-esteem issues you may have.
- No flash photography: Precious memories my ass. There are more pictures of me looking like a douchebag at my birthday party from last year than in the rest of my photographed life combined. The idea is to get really drunk and when you get really drunk your judgment wanes (hello, girl with mustache *wink*) and suddenly taking pictures like this seems like a somewhat good idea:
Which is not a very good look for me, to say the least.
That being said.....
- Never say no to a shot: I'm not one of those stupid idiots who did "21 shots at 21" and I would never recommend anyone doing anything like that, ever (I mean, Jesus, I'm nearly 30 years old that's like three bottles), but a birthday shot is a different animal. Nobody ever says "Wanna do a birthday shot? That'll be four dollars." But I don't even like Jager! That never happens. It's free and free is good. (Really, you should never say no when someone offers you anything. Wanna go to a Brewers game? Wanna smoke some roofies? Wanna blowjob? Wanna watch Pee-Wee's Big Adventure? Ummm, no I hate doing awesome things. Give me a break, there are never bad questions.) Second of all, doing a shot with someone brings the two of you closer together on a deeper level. I feel bad asking people for directions to the bathroom, but if they just bought me a birthday shot? I will ask them to take a look at an abrasion on my penis because we are now BROTHERS.
- Last the longest: Look, your birthday only comes around once a year. Every other day of the year you have to share attention with all the other people in the world, but for this one day you are the absolute center of attention. Soak up every second of it because it's going to be at least a year before anyone gives a crap about you again. Don't pass out, don't black out. Stay awake and enjoy every single second of it because you're getting old and who knows if you'll even get a party next year.
(Oh, and try not to fall asleep in your computer chair with a beer in your hand while playing air guitar. Trust me, there will be spilling.)
Until Monday or more likely Tuesday....