I have a question for the male readers of the site. Have you ever been pondering the offseason moves of the Brewers and thought to yourself "I am glad they re-signed Craig Counsell, he's kinda hot"? I mean, everyone has had that conversation with a friend that starts like "I know you're not gay, but..." and you immediately yell out "DONNIE FROM NEW KIDS!", right? And then after having that conversation you continue on to "Okay I know you are totally straight and stuff, but which Brewers player would you have sex with if you had to?" No? You've never had that conversation with one of your buddies? Not even once? Really? Well, I guess I'll just have to tell you about it then because Tyler and I have had that conversation many, many times and we'd like to share one with you. Why? Because we are so totally okay with our sexuality that we don't care who reads it! We don't care if the guys we are writing about making sweet love to us read it, we want them to! So, like, forward this to them. Please.
Vince: Hey Tyler, I've got a question for you that's been bothering me for awhile and I want your opinion on it. If you had to have sex with a member of the Milwaukee Brewers, who would it be? There was a time and a place when I thought this question would be easy to answer and that the answer to the question would be Mike Cameron, but then the more I thought about it the more I realized that maybe Mike Cameron wasn't the right guy for me. He's a great guy not doubt about it, but losing your gay virginity is a big deal and I want it to be special, you know? I need to know I'm special and that it matters as much to this person as it does to me. I thought for a second that maybe Prince Fielder was the guy for me. He seems like a great guy, right? He's always happy and smiling, playing little games with the guys, he seems like he'd be a hell of a "teammate", but then you watch him swing and you think if he swings anything like he hits (it) than I am going to have some tearing going on back there and I don't think I'd like that very much. You're the only one I trust to help me answer this question of great importance (and coincidentally the only one who replied to my email.)
Tyler: Vince. I’m glad you came to me with this question. But before I go ahead and answer it, I’d like to briefly talk about gender roles and the conventions of “masculinity”. Can something as important as one’s personal sexuality be so simply whittled down to the descriptors of straight, gay, and furry? Beyond anatomy, what makes a man? Am I less of a man because I cried like a newborn while watching Dear Zachary: A Letter to a Son About his Father? Of course not. Is my life-long love and attraction to women nullified because I once bought a Mike’s Hard Lemonade at Miller Park, because I like The Cardigans or because I recently made lavender soap as a holiday craft for loved ones? F-that! Would I consider going to a quaint bed and breakfast with the guy from that new show White Collar? Hell yeah! Who wouldn’t? But does my willingness to go apple picking with a basic cable heartthrob make me any less of a meat and potatoes man? Shit no.
I hope to one day live in a world where every heterosexual male Brewers fan will – like us – feel comfortable climbing the highest mountain to scream out which Brewer they’d let buttstuff him – if they had to pick one for some unforeseeable and illogical reason.
That said, I can’ tell you which Brewer to pick. I feel that – except for Casey McGehee, who’s ugly as shit – anyone is one the table. Beyond learning about Jeff Suppan’s past a dishwasher from that FSN special they air during rain delays sometimes and Corey Hart’s wife being ultra fertile, I don’t know anything about the Brewers off the field. So I feel the choice is half a blind guess to the player’s personality and half based on which player you’d probably be physically attracted to if guys were your cup of tea.
It’s much more difficult than my criteria for figuring out girls I would sleep with (pulse, willingness to sleep with me).
So if your heart tells you to pick Prince, go to him. True love knows no tearing. I think Socrates said that. My personal pick would be Manny Parra, for the following reasons:
- He’s classically handsome. He could turn heads in any era. Like Paul Rudd… with less pitching talent.
- Pitching-wise, he often misses his spots. I can only hope those control issues would transfer to the bedroom for my posterior’s sake.
- He’s going to a Brewer for a long time. Why hope your fictional same-sex lover becomes a Dodger or Yankee when you can play Monday Night Bingo and drink $1 Tecate at Palomino in sub-zero weather here? Big fish in a mid-market pond, talk about a young power couple!
He: An up-and-coming professional athlete.
I: Dave Grohl’s fatter doppelganger, and a near-payable freelance writer with such lofty publications as Milwaukee Alcoholmanac and Miller Park Drunk on my resume.
The tabloids would go crazy for us. Tanny Marra, they’d call us. Anthony Witrado would still spell it wrong.
Vince: I like where your heads at here Tyler, I too have done my fair share of things that would be deemed "gay" by society. I shouldn't be ashamed to not only own every season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and it's spinoff Angel, but to have bought them on their original day of release. I should be proud and sing the lyrics from the musical episode of Buffy with pride. I shouldn't lie and tell people I that I was too drunk to remember kissing that guy at the company Christmas party two years ago, I should tell them the truth: that his tongue was too coarse and he kissed like an iguana. (I thought it was funny and it seemed like a good idea at the time!) And in the interest of telling people the truth I am going to tell them this, if I had to pick one member of the Milwaukee Brewers to enter the sacred ground that is my backside it would without a doubt be All-star left fielder, former Rookie of the Year, Silver Slugger, creator of Remetee and all around superstar Ryan Braun.
It has to be him. If I am going to do this thing I want it to be the best experience possible, I want to get off multiple times, I want to scream in agony and delight and I think if there is anyone who could do that to me, it's Ryan Braun. You see Ryan Braun is one of those rare individuals who wants to be the best at everything he does. He wants to design the best overpriced shirt for douchebags, he wants to have the greatest restaurant chain in Wisconsin, he wants to be the best baseball player every year and I truly believe if given the opportunity and the right challenge he would absolutely be the best butt pirate there ever was. Top, bottom, power bottom, whatever, Ryan would be a master of all positions. He could go ass to mouth with ease and I'd need to take a week off of work to recover. That's how good he'd be. Remember his game winning home run to win the Wild Card? It's like he's almost better under pressure, right? Imagine that same pressure applied to a suite at the Pfister only instead of needing a home run to beat the Cubs, he needs to pitch a perfect game to his catcher (that's me!). I say he does it. With ease. Everytime. Why? Because he's Ryan 'the truth" Braun, that's why!