Goodbye 60 percent of readers see you next spring

Well it's that time of the year. Summer is over, the kids are back to school, it's starting to get cold out and the leaves are turning a different color. Shorts are out and pants are in. Sweatshirts are necessary at night and soon they will be all day. Then it'll be coats and boots and scarves because winter is right around the corner. The happy fun times of summer are over and everyone is really, really happy about it. Wait, what?!

Oh, but it's football season you see. Baseball is winding down and the Brewers are out of it so who cares anyways? IT'S PACKERS TIME D00DZ! PACK ATTACK! PACK ATTACK! FOOTBAW! FOOTBAW! FOOTBAW! I LOVE FOOTBALL, ERON ROGDERS AND TWINZ

Look, I'm not here to hate on football. I am in three fantasy football leagues this season ($300!) and now I am going to tell you all about them for the next 2000 words. Just kidding I wouldn't do that to you (but seriously I am going to win all three.) I also really like to gamble on football (read: pay someone money to let me become overly invested in a single game's outcome only to ultimately be disappointed when some idiot coach kicks a field goal because of sportsmanship) and have no issue spending my Saturdays on the couch watching as many college football games as I can. Football is cool and all that, but maybe we should relax a bit about it? I mean, it's cool but not that cool.

Some people will tell you that this is the best time of the year because baseball and football are happening at the same time. These people are wrong for many reasons. For one, the best time of the year is when Wrestlemania and Opening Day happen in the same week and it's spring so you know you have an awesome summer right around the corner. The winter is over and it's a time filled with hope, nothing is bad. Fall sucks because fall means winter and winter means it's so cold my body swallows my balls for three months. In the winter it's impossible to tell if the girl you're hitting on is hot because she's wearing six layers of clothes, snow pants and ski boots to the bar. Picking up girls in the winter is the closest some of us will ever get to playing Russian Roulette. The start of football season just means cold weather, shrinkage and no more sun dresses, tube tops or yoga pants. Screw football.

Secondly, when baseball is over football is all there is to watch and the NFL is only on a couple days a week. Sure, you get college games every single day, but you can only take so much Florida Continental United States International University of College at St. Petersburgh games. Yeah, it's football and sports on TV, but that doesn't mean it's good or worthy of my time. ESPN shows high school football games all the time now, but that doesn't mean I am going to watch them. I do have some standards. (I suppose you could watch the NBA if you like timeouts and free throws.) I love college football, but if I have to watch a stupid BYU game where half the offensive line is 36 year old Mormons and the announcers act like they are "real men" because they went to another country on a mission to convert people to their non-soda drinking religion I'm going to cut my eyelids off. You usually only get a couple of good college football games a week if you're lucky (like, say, last week) and the NFL is just as bad. This is the big secret about the NFL, most of the games aren't that fun to watch. In fact, most of them are boring as shit.

Which is why we invented fantasy football. Tell me, how is it possible that the fake sport based on the real sport is 100x more interesting and more fun? Does that seem right to anyone? No? Because that is definitely the case with the NFL and fantasy football. Yeah, we all have our favorite teams that we care about, but what we really care about is the fake team that plays against our friends/frienemies fake teams. Sure, you really want the Packers to win against the 49ers on Sunday, but what you really want is for the Packers to win against the 49ers on Sunday and for Frank Gore to rush for 100 yards and a TD and Vernon Davis to catch a TD because they are on your fantasy teams. This isn't a secret, but it still needs to be said. There is no loyalty in the NFL, only fantasy.

BUT not you, right? You bleed GREEN and GOLD. You're one of the BEST FANS IN FOOTBALL. You are a STOCK HOLDER (even though that stock doesn't pay dividends, gives you no vote on team matters, is non-transferable and is basically just you paying the Packers for a piece of paper with your name on it.) The PACKERS are what you LIVE and BREATHE. And you know what? Good for you. I am glad you feel passionate about something. I'm not going to make fun of you for wearing the ugliest colors imaginable in public. I'm not even going to say anything about your stupid cheese heads that have never looked anything but stupid on anyone ever. I'm not going to blame you for saying things like "Yeah baseball is cool, but what I really can't wait for is the PACKERS" all the time from the day after the Super Bowl til preseason. Not gonna do it. You know why? Because it's not worth it.

There is no convincing people who think football is the best thing ever because they've already made up their mind. Football is easy. It's easy to follow and doesn't require much commitment. You only have to pay attention once a week for three hours. Football is CSI and baseball is LOST. Baseball is a novel while football is a Dave Barry joke book. Football is a Digornos pizza, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, Katy Perry and romantic comedies. Some people like it that way. It's easy.

This isn't a knock against football because I like football, but it just is what it is. It's not the be-all, end-all of the world. It's just another form of simple, mindless entertainment. It's easy to gamble on and fun to play fantasy with, but that's about it. It isn't the greatest thing that America has ever done ever. Let's try and remember that.

Vince Morales is the guy who runs this site. He likes the Milwaukee Brewers, pro wrestling and beer. If he offended you he is very, very sorry.

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2 comments on “Goodbye 60 percent of readers see you next spring

  1. Coolhand on said:

    Is this an official heel turn? My feelings of people who can’t wait for football is that your “wishing the summer away”.

  2. This is my favorite time for baseball – I love the pennent race most of all – but I love looking at the brewers in september – I love seeing Rickie play hard every day every at bat – I love Willy Peralta being like a little kid pitching and being able to see how nervous he is even though he’s got a frickin 92mph slider!!! – I love seeing Ax get his shit together. I love miller park on a sunday afternoon in September cause you know darn well everyone is home waiting for the Pack – you get the beer guy and stadium to yourself it’s wicked cool.

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