Nobody ever likes the decade they grew up in. People who grew up in the 90s think the 80s were cool. (This one might actually be true. The 90s had AIDs and nobody was putting out after AIDs came along. Thanks a lot, Magic Johnson.) People who grew up in the 70s think the 60s were cool. Actually, everyone seems to think growing up in the 60s was cool. Why? I have no idea. Oh, let's do a bunch of acid and listen to shitty music. Let's rebel against the system by smoking pot and getting tear gassed. Let's wear stupid looking clothes and have all our friends die in Vietnam. Yeah, the 60s were real awesome. Me? If I could do it all over again, I'd totally want to grow up in the seventies. Think about it.
Porn theaters? Check.
Schlitz sold at County Stadium? Check.
18 years old to drink with nobody really checking? Check.
Bars open til 5 or 6 in the morning? Check.
(The best case scenario would be to be born in the early 60s with two older brothers. That way you hit your teens right towards the mid 70s and your brothers are a couple of drugged out hippies. I bet your parents would let you get away with anything as long as you weren't sitting in your room eating acid and trying to explain to them that Jerry Garcia changed your life while wearing a tie dyed shirt and a pair of bell bottoms.)
The 70s were a potpourri of everything I like and more. Don't even act like you don't feel the same way. When you take your special lady friend home do you put on Al Green or Chris Brown? When you want to watch an awesome movie do you watch Avatar? Or do you watch The Godfather, Rocky, The Godfather II, One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, Star Wars, Jaws, Chinatown, Taxi Driver, Animal House or Apocalypse Now? I can go on and on. The best Billy Joel album? The Stranger. The best type of lamp? Lava. The best Captain and Tennille song? Okay, that was a trick question there is no best Captain and Tennille song.
The point is that the 70s were the best f*ckin' time to be alive, man and being a Brewers fan is no exception. And since this weekend is 70s Retro Weekend we thought it was time to take you back to a time when the music was good, the movies were awesome, afros were an acceptable look on white guys and "do you have any ludes?" wasn't met with a puzzled look. So put on some ELO, pop a few barbs, crack open a Schlitz and come see what's brewin'.
Come See What's Brewin'
What better way to start our trip back to the 70's than with this crazy song that the Brewers used as a commercial in the 70s. Now, I love all the random people dancing, (Where is that enthusiasm today? If I start dancing during a game I have three assholes telling me to sit down. Sorry to block your view of the video board, guy. Didn't realize the bubble cam meant that much to you.) but my favorite part is Bob Uecker.
What. A. Stud.
I love awkward pictures, but I love akward pictures featuring Brewers players even more. Here's a few that will make you share this love.
Let's ignore for a second the fact that Sixto looks like he is going to murder these kids because, well, we can't be sure that he didn't. What the hell are these kids looking at? And they went to Disneyland? In the 70s? Holy crap that must have taken like 10 hours to fly there and cost like two hundred dollars!
Now, let's move on to the greatest Brewer of all time Robin Yount.
You may recognize this kid from the movie Simon Birch where he played Simon Birch. Thanks for killing Ashley Judd, you little four eyed nerd.
This next one isn't exactly an awkward photo, but I didn't know where else to put it so it goes here. In the 70's 7-11 held a promotion where you could get a Slurpee cup with a MLB All-Star on it. One of the All-Stars? Brewers 1B (and MVP of the 70s) George Scott.
Sometimes we forget or even take it for granted, but the Brewers stands for "beer brewers" and the Brewers logo in the 70's was a man made out a beer barrel. Seriously. We have the best nickname in all of sports. People complain about the Indians and the Braves being racist, but what if these PC pricks ever got a hold of us? What then? By their stupid caveman logic does "the Brewers" make kids think it's okay to drink? (Actually, it should make them think it's okay to brew beer. Which it totally is, by the way. The more kids we get brewing beer, the better I always say.) Should we suddenly be the Milwaukee Bulldogs or something? Man, that would suck. Forget I said anything.
You didn't even have to be in shape to play in the 70s
Gorman Thomas' drinking and diet are stuff of legends and overall the word "conditioning" didn't exist in the 70's lexicon. It was a great time and that's why I present to you the poster boy of 70's lax conditioning, legendary Brewers reliever Ken Sanders.
Is that a double chin? Oh yes it is. The best part is Ken finished 77 games for the Brewers in 1971 and posted an ERA+ of 182. For comparisons sake, last season Trevor Hoffman finished 46 games for the Brewers (and his career high for games is only 62). So not only did Ken finish 31 more games than the greatest closer of all time he did it with two chins. Ken Sanders, you give me hope.
In 1972 Dave Bristol was fired as Brewers manager in 1972 after going 10-20. Roy McMillan served as interim manager for two games before giving way to Del Crandall. Why do I bring this up? Because Roy McMillan may have been the biggest nerd in baseball history. Look at him:
And you thought Ken Macha looked dorky. Thank god someone invented computers to keep guys like this out of baseball.
Mustaches, glorious mustaches
On the one hand I admire these guys for their amazing mustaches. On the other hand I thank God every single day that they aren't around today. Seriously, why would a girl ever go with a bare face like mine when they could take a ride on one of these babies?
I'm not in any way racist, but if I saw this man walking towards me I would absolutely run the other way.
Little known fact: Before baseball Darrell Porter was an Allman Brother.
I always found the pencil mustache to be a little underrated. Then again, I find all mustaches underrated because I can't grow one. Anyone who can deserves a pat on the back.
I like this picture because it's the only picture on the entire internet of Robin Yount WITHOUT a mustache.
What can we possibly say about Gorman Thomas that hasn't been said before? How about "based on the hair peaking out of the top of his undershirt there is no way that Gorman Thomas isn't an extremely hairy man. He makes the Wolfman look like Channing Tatum."? I don't think anyone has ever said that.
Miller Park is a great place to see a baseball game. Tons of food and drink options, lots of places to go to the bathroom. Miller Park is everything that County Stadium wasn't. Want to have something besides a brat with stadium sauce at County Stadium? Too bad. Want to drink something besides Lite or Schlitz? Too bad. Want to see a minority at the ballpark? Good luck with that one. Want to wash your hands? Fat chance.*
(* = I may have made some of this up.)
Still, there was something about County Stadium that doesn't exist at Miller Park. No, I'm not talking about the "less filling, tastes great" dueling chants or even Bud Selig smoking cigarettes in the stands. I'm of course talking about the beer slide.
Nothing represents the Brewers in the 70s more than that slide. It was a different time. People could go to a game, drink too many beers and then drive home and nobody would blink an eye. A man could dress up in a funny suit and slide down a slide into a giant glass of beer and people would think it was fun. You could throw on a Bee Gees song over the PA and that same man would dance hgis ass off. It was a good time.
People are always saying we should bring the mug back to Miller Park, but the truth is it will never happen. Somehow that slide makes kids want to drink (not, you know, their parents being uptight assholes who think a slide makes a difference in their lives driving them to rebel) and that's why we'll never see that slide again. Maybe they are right, they were right about the drinking and driving thing. I don't like it as much as you do, but that's just the way it is and if we don't learn from our past we can never make progress. The 70s were a great time to be alive and a great time to be a baseball fan, but the best time is still now. Seriously, you had to go to a movie theater to watch pornography. Now? You can watch that stuff on your iPhone.
2010s > 1970s