It's that time of year again, St. Patrick's Day. Along with Cinco De Mayo and someone else's birthday, it's one of the world's greatest excuses to get drunk for no real reason. Many children have been sired on this day and many people have gotten their first taste of the long arm of the law during a St. Patty's Day celebration. It's a shame really that some people have to ruin a perfectly good drinking day by getting into some sort of trouble. Luckily, your past problems will remain there because from today and on into the future you will have this guide to get you through. You are welcome.
Miller Park Drunk's Guide to St. Patrick's Day
Are You Irish?
If Yes: Shut up about it. Nobody wants to hear about how you are really Irish so you "deserve" to be drunk today more than the rest of us.Unless you were born in Ireland, you don't deserve a thing. Nobody wants to hear your pre-apology because you are celebrating you are heritage. Nobody cares. Stop being a douchebag.
If No: Do not, under any circumstances say "everyone is Irish today!" Or worse, bust out the "Irish today, hungover tomorrow" “joke”. What are you, ten years old? Do you also say "I know you are, but what am I?" and "Psyche!"? Seriously, that is the most cliché, lame thing you can say. DOUCHEBAG!
Serious question: Which of these two is more annoying? There is more of the "No" people, but the "Yes" people are just so damn annoying they might just win this thing.
When Should I Start Drinking?
Depends really. Do you have anything to do, like work? Do you have anything to do important the next day? I mean, I'm all for getting drunk whenever you feel like it but we have to remember that this holiday does fall on a Wednesday and two weeks before baseball season is not the best time to get fired.
My general rule of thumb on things like this is to get drunk as soon as possible. If you have to work, drink a little before work and then proceed to drink Jameson out of a flask all day. You're probably thinking that this contradicts what I just said about getting fired, but if you work in any sort of office environment you can be pretty sure that you're boss comes to work everyday with a bottle of vodka and a gun in his briefcase. (The former to give him the guts to use the latter, which thankfully never comes. That would be awkward.) Pretty sure that guy isn't going to say anything about a little whiskey on your breath. Besides, that's what they make Mentos for.
If you don't work? Why the hell are you reading this?!
What Should I Drink?
Someone apparently put the idea in everyone's head that on St. Patrick's Day you should "drink like an Irishman" and only drink Guinness and Jameson. I don't see you drinking wine on Bastille Day. I don't see you downing brandy old fashions and hitting me with a coat hanger on Father's Day. I actually had someone tell me that they were going to get a case of Jameson for St. Patty's Day. That is, without a doubt, the stupidest thing I have ever heard. First of all, if you were really going to "drink like an Irishman" you would be downing a high alcohol content mouthwash and huffing gasoline. Second of all, you are trying to get drunk not get arrested for public defecation. It's good to have a couple of Guinness and maybe a shot or two of Jameson, but there is no need to throw off your entire drinking makeup by changing up the gameplan. If you normally drink vodka, drink vodka. If you normally drink Miller Lite, drink Miller Lite. Don't mess with a good thing.
One more thing, stick with the bottled beer because the bartender will probably put some green dye in your draft. It's kind of cool the first time. The next ten? Not so much. Especially when you throw up later. I do not like green eggs and ham, I do not like them Sam I Am.
What Should I Eat?
Lucky Charms: Okay.
Soda bread: Ehhh, to each their own.
Corned Beef: Awesome.
Cabbage: Only with above. Alone or in soup? BORING.
Irish Stew: Okay.
Anything mint-y: Gross.
What Should I Wear?
I can understand the wearing of green colors, Irish alcoholic drink related t-shirts and stupid hats and/or sunglasses. I really can, even if I don't really want to. I don't understand the "(blank) me I'm Irish)" and other shirts in that style. I mean, you don't see me wearing shirts that say 'I am not quite sure of my heritage, but I know that some of it is Costa Rican so have sex with me tonight'. You don't see Ryan Braun busting out the "Ask me to do your taxes, I'm Jewish" shirt or Prince busting out the "You know what's up [arrow pointing down]" shirt. Aren't we just encouraging racial stereotypes here? Shouldn't we be looking at people for who they are on the inside instead of just "f@%#-ing" them because they are Irish? Isn't that why these Irish folk came to America in the first place?
You know what else I can't understand? The face painting. I feel like we've been over this before, but I really want you to listen to me this time. Girls are attractive, even if they are ugly. They are girls, they have girl-y parts. Guys like that. What guys don't like is shamrocks painted on their faces. What guys don't like is green eye shading. What are you, a linebacker for the Jets? Seriously.
I don't really know what else to say about this day. It's a day to get way too drunk for no reason and enjoy the company of a bunch of other idiots who like to get way too drunk for no reason. Some people like that, some people don't. Make no mistake about it, this day means absolutely nothing to any of us. People seem to forget that St. Patrick is a religious figure who "saved" the Irish by leading them to Christianity (or something). Instead of going to mass, we get drunk. Instead of praying, people get up at 8 AM to go to a bar and drink Ireland's finest spirits. Somehow, I don't think this is what Sanctus Patricisus had in mind.
I don't know what else to say about it. Go out, get drunk, have fun, do something that you can tell a story about later.
Okay, I did it. I'm drunk. Now I'm home, what should I do now?
I don't know. Chat Roulette?