I really didn't mean to do two "people are dumb" posts in a single Off Topic Week, but sometimes you just have to. I have a captive audience here and hopefully my words can hope to better mankind. It's the entire point of running a site called Miller Park Drunk really.
I am a writer and as a writer I am a keen observer of the human condition. I am also a borderline alcoholic so I spend a lot of time drinking in public with other people. Thirdly, all my best friends are dumb (except for you, best friend who is reading this.) Because of this unique combination I have a window into humanity that not many other people do. I see people do things on a daily basis. I see things that bother me, things I love, things I hate, but mostly things that annoy the hell out of me. Look, I'm not one of these people who hates everyone and everything. I really want to like people. I want to have a good time and have lots of friends and be happy, but some people just make it so hard to do that. What is the problem guys? Be young. Have fun. Drink Pepsi.
There are many annoying traits in people that I can handle. Stupid laughs, loud gum chewing, bad taste in movies and overuse of cologne are all traits that I dislike, but can accept and remain friends with you. However, if you do any of these following six things? Fix it. Right now. Or we are donezo.
Making every conversation about yourself
Ugh, what is the deal with this? These people are the absolute worst and should be forced to be cloned so they can talk to themselves for eternity. Nobody would get a word in and hopefully they'd just end up killing each other. Think I'm being harsh? Here is an actual conversation I had with someone the other day.
ME: So I'm sort of dating someone now.
THEM: Oh yeah?
ME: Yeah. Her name is --
THEM: Well (name) and I are still broken up. He keeps playing games with my heart and don't know what's going on, but bla bla bla.
(one hour later)
ME: That sucks. Hey, watch this.
/shoots self in head
Like shut up, okay? Just shut up. No, shut up. Seriously. Shut the hell up. SHUT UP. SHUT UP. SHUT UP. SHUT UP.
The world doesn't revolve around you. This conversation does not revolve around you because I am talking about me now. I will listen to you talk about you when it is time to talk about you, but this one is not about you and you have to return the favor. This is how friendship works. It is not complicated.
Hey, I get it. Listening is hard and it can be kind of boring. Honesty I only listen to like 50% of things people say to me, but sometimes I just need to talk about something and you need to listen to me. It won't be long and it won't be boring, I'm a funny guy, but you do need to listen. Especially when I just sat there and listened to you talk for fifteen minutes. When it is my turn to talk you need to put down your frickin' iPhone (seriously? You're playing Words With Friends against me while I am talking. This is happening,) stop trying to make this about yourself, sit there and listen. This is your only job. I know you can do it. I'll even give you a treat if you can do it.
Arguing in front of me
What is the deal with couples who do this? Do they hate each other so much that they can't wait to fight? Or do they just not think of the fact that maybe I don't want to see them fighting? Because why wouldn't everyone want to see you fight? It's not like it's super annoying and uncomfortable or anything.
The other day I was going out with some friends and I was in the backseat of their car and they just started yelling at each other about not putting enough gas in or something. Is this really that important? Couldn't you have waited just a little bit longer for this? Save that shit til you get home and yell at each other over who smoked the last cigarette. Nobody wants to see this. Seriously. We all hate you. Just break up so you can become the person from the previous two paragraphs already.
People who make out in front of you
What's worse than couples who fight in front of you? People who actually like each other in front of you. Gross.
It's cool that you had one beer and now you are super horny and in love, but you don't need to take this opportunity to straddle your girlfriend in front of the jukebox. First of all, I wanted to play some Hootie. Second of all, I barely like to picture myself having sex and being forced into this graphic image of you two doing it makes me want to throw up. Right here. Right now. In this bar. And the bartender told me if I do that again I am banned, so please stop doing it. I like it here.
Whenever I have a girlfriend I go out of my way to make it seem like we aren't dating just to make everyone else feel comfortable with the situation. People meet us and are like "so is that like your sister or what?" I like it this way. We like each other, but we don't need to prove it to the world with public displays of the tongue Olympics. You all know I'm a gold medalist in that shit. It's gotten so bad with me ignoring girlfriends that our friends will constantly think we are on the verge of breaking up (which is probably because we are on the verge of breaking up,) but it's worth it because those couples are the worst. I'd rather be single forever then one of them.
Trying to set me up with people
I mean, have you guys seen me? I'm a catch. Do I look like I have trouble picking up chicks?
(Don't answer that.)
I never understand why people are so concerned with my sex life. Who cares, you know? I mean it'd be one thing if someone said "hey Vin my girlfriend is actually best friends with AJ and wants you two to meet." That'd be amazing. Instead what I get is "hey vintown I want to set you up with someone. I've already set her up with another friend of ours, but he didn't like her so now we're going to give you a shot. She's a really nice girl she just has a dumb name, a really annoying voice, doesn't drink and used to date an NBA player. I think you guys would really hit it off nicely despite you clearly having nothing in common with her." This really happens. How do you say "thanks, but no thanks I'd rather slit my wrists" in a nice way?
Is this what it's going to be like now that I'm 30? People from the marriage cult trying to rope me in with whatever desperate for marriage chicks they can find? I mean, it's fine but I just need to know so I can get a vasectomy now. I've seen Basketball Wives, I know how this works. Stop trying to make me a member of your marriage cult.
Being a victim
This might sound crazy, but everything bad that happens to you does not happen because the world is out to get you.
If your boyfriend breaks up with you and then wants to keep having sex with you it's not because he is "playing games" or "messing with your head" it's because he likes to have sex and you are willing to have sex with him. He does not want you back. You are putting yourself in this situation. Stop it.
If your employee gets drunk and does not show up to work the next day it is not because he "doesn't respect you" or because he is "taking advantage of your friendship" it is because he is irresponsible and had to much to drink the night before. That is all. (Also, because he is me.)
When you are not making enough money or getting what you think you deserve at work there is a 1% chance that it is because someone is "out to get you" and a 99% chance that you should just try to work harder. People are very rarely out to get people who do a good job. You can get all the money and credit you deserve if you just work hard. Trust me. (Unless you are a woman. Then it's like 50/50. Sorry about that ladies.)
People need to stop looking at outside sources for excuses for whatever is going wrong with their lives and just accept that it is more than likely because of them. You know what I'd like to do for a career? I'd like to write movies. That has been my goal since I was in high school. Do you know how many scripts I've got floating around? Do you know how many times I've been rejected by a studio? Do you know how many offers I've gotten? Zero, on all accounts. This isn't the universe conspiring to destroy me. This is me being a procrastinating, dumb, lazy ass. If you want something you need to go out and get it. You need to work hard. If you don't try, you'll never succeed and all that self help nonsense.
So to sum it all up: Don't be a self centered idiot who doesn't care about anyone else's feelings and take some responsibility for yourself. Also, leave me alone. I hate you.
Tags: bad taste, best friend, best friends, bla bla, captive audience, cologne, daily basis, drink pepsi, eternity, good time, gum, heart, hell, keen observer, laughs, mankind, Miller Park, off topic, pepsi, playing games