Ever since I was a little kid I've loved the X-Men. I was raised watching that 90's X-Men show on FOX Kids that was actually really awesome and not stupid like all kids shows today. (Another awesome show from this time period was Batman: The Animated Series which outside of the Christopher Nolan trilogy is the best Batman has been portrayed in any form of media.) When the movies came out I was there on opening night. The first X-Men movie was actually the first DVD I ever owned. I've read a lot of the comics and highly recommend Joss Whedon's Astonishing run and Grant Morrison's New X-Men. Wolverine was dumb and X-Men 3 is basically the worst stuff ever. My X-Men cred is legit.
A recent after bar conversation got me thinking about the idea of being a mutant. Would I want to be Wolverine? Of course I would. Wolverine is a bad ass. (Weird crying bitch Wolverine from X-Men 3 does not exist and I will fight you if he say he does.) But is his power the best? I say no. Did you know he can't really get drunk? I mean, he can and has many times before but it takes forever and his body is constantly trying to fix his liver damage as he drinks. What the heck, body? I'm trying to destroy you here. Let me destroy you. Nobody really wants to be Cyclops. One because he is a nerd and two because it would suck having to wear that stupid thing on your face all the time. We all know Rogue's would suck because that's the entire point of Rogue. Beast? Give me a break.
This is a serious question that I've spent hours and hours of my life dissecting and analyzing in a desperate attempt to to figure it out. This is what I've come up with.
(I stuck with the core X-Men that people know because some of these mutants can really get out of hand. That's the problem with X-Men really. There is pretty much no rule as to what your power could possibly be. Like if Beast gets chlamydia there is a good chance that there is a kid at the Academy with the mutant power of healing chlamydia. It's ridiculous. Like in the third movie where there is a mutant who can make you not a mutant by touching you. Umm, what? He's like 15. No way that kid is still a mutant with all the touching of himself he's probably doing.)
CRAPPY POWERS THAT WOULD SUCK TO HAVE
Rogue: steal people's life/powers when you touch them
Oh, sorry for killing you stripper. I was just trying to put a dollar in your g-string.
Yay I can fly! Boo I have stupid wings.
Beast: I don't even know
Basically a super smart monkey. Or sometimes a super smart cat. Also, blue.
SOUND COOL IN THEORY BUT WOULD PROBABLY SUCK
Professor X: Mind Reading
This would be awesome right? You could read people's thoughts and brain talk them without anyone knowing any better. That'd be great... in theory. Here's the problem though: people are frickin' messed up. I don't want to know what most people are thinking because they are probably imagining their mom in lingerie or something weird like that. Hearing people's thoughts would suck. Didn't we learn anything from that one Buffy episode? There are some things we're better off not knowing. Plus, I always think people secretly don't like me and are talking crap about me behind my back. Now I could hear them talk crap about me in their brain while I am talking to them? No thanks.
Cyclops: shoot lasers from eyes
Woah sweet dude I can shoot lasers that kill people out of my eyes! This is awesome. Wait, what? I can't control them? And I always have to wear this weird thing on my head? Oh, sometimes I can wear red sunglasses, but if they fall off people are going to die? This blows.
Colossus: Super strong in metal form
This would probably be pretty badass if you ever want to pick up a tractor and move it. I imagine girls would be super impressed and into you if you did something like that. The problem with this one is the whole metal thing. How am I supposed to compete in the Olympics with that metal body? Everyone would know something was up when I walked into the weightlifting event looking like a character from Mega Man. I want my gold medal! I want to be on a Wheaties box! Because really the whole point of being a mutant is to get fame and glory. Forget all that equality bs.
Jean Grey: Telekinesis
Telekinesis would be awesome because you would never have to get up from the couch ever. Want a beer? Oh, let me just grab one with my brain and float it over here. The remote to the TV is on the other couch and you can't reach it? Boom, brain move. Crying baby? Let me rock the cradle and change it's diapers without ever getting within six feet of it. It's almost the perfect power really. Which is the total problem. If I had telekinesis I would never get off the couch. I'd probably figure out a telekinesis way to pee. (Maybe if I just pee in the air and then carry the pee to the toilet with my brain? Something.) I'd end up weighing like 6000 pounds and marrying Gilbert Grape's mom. Telekinesis is not a good power for someone as lazy as me.
Mystique: Can make yourself look like anybody else
Basically the best power ever for Donal. This one would be awesome for pranks because you could look like your friend and then murder someone or something and it would be hilarious, but overall it would probably suck. Not to get all deep and philosophical or anything, but my face is my face. I am stuck with it. I don't want to look like anyone else.
Except maybe Leonardo DiCaprio. He's pretty dreamy.
Storm: Control the weather
I admit this one would be pretty fun to have. If I had this power I would constantly make games at Wrigley Field get rained out just to be a dick. I'd also make the snow come down in June, just when I thought our time had passed though. Then I'd make sure the weather is nice for Wrestlemania because it is outdoors in April in New York and there is no way that is going to work out good for me. Other than that though? I don't know. It's a cool power to have, but I think I'd get bored with it like a video game that used to be cool. Sometimes people would come over and be like "hey, don't you control the weather?" and I'd be like "What? Oh yeah I forgot about that. I guess we could take it out and play with it if you want to. I'm kind of over it though." Then my friend would make me do all this stuff and we'd be on to the next thing in 15 minutes. Cool power, kinda boring.
HELL YES I WISH THIS POWER WAS REAL
Wolverine: healing power
Forget the bone knives thing which would suck. How great would healing power be? If I had this power I would get into fights with my girlfriend and then be like "I guess I'll just slit my wrists" and then actually slit my wrists. That'd show her. Then it'd heal and we'd both start laughing and forget about wherever it was we were fighting about in the first place. (It was probably something I did.) I'd do it for love you see.
Even that drinking thing I mentioned earlier wouldn't be that bad because you could drink everyone in the world under the table. Why is drinking people under the table so fun? I love when I go out with someone and they get drunky pants and I am just riding the chillwave. Which is weird because it clearly means that I have a drinking problem and will probably end up with a whiskey nose someday while they are just a normal functioning human being. Anyways, the only downside to Wolverine's power would probably be the whole "basically being immortal" thing. I mean, at some point enough is enough right? A guy can only take so many Cardinals World Series wins.
Kitty Pryde: Walk through walls
Let's say you are at a gas station and you want to use the bathroom. You have to get out of your car, go inside the gas station, get the key, go back outside, unlock the door, use the bathroom, leave the bathroom, go back inside, give the guy the key back and then leave the gas station and get back in your car. That's a lot of steps just to pee, right? If you could walk through walls you could just walk through the wall and be in there and down in like one step. Awesome. Or what if you were in the 200 level at Miller Park and you wanted to go to Fridays? Just turn off your solidness and phase right down stairs. Boom. No stairs, no walking. Just two seconds and you're there. Sounds perfect.
I would, however, be worried about falling asleep. What if I had a bad dream and woke up in the basement? That can't be good for your back. What if I was drunk and passed out with half my body in one room and the other half through a wall? I mean, it'd be funny but I'd be worried that I would accidentally turn myself solid and kill myself with drywall. I'd probably never sleep if I had this power.
Iceman: Turn stuff to ice
Remember in the first movie when Iceman makes an ice flower and gives it to Rogue? How awesome was that move? If she could, you know, actually touch him she totally would have been dropping her underwear right then and there. If I was Iceman I wouldn't use my powers to fight evil or anything like that. Instead I'd be the Edward Scissorhands of ice. Just going around and making cool ice sculptures and winning medals and having girls fall in love with me. People would pay me big money to make ice swans for their corporate events and I'd carve out a nice niche for myself. I could probably make $80-100k/year with my ice business, retire by 40 and get a nice retirement home in Maui. That'd be nice.
Plus, my beer would never ever be cold.
THE BEST IN THE WORLD
Magneto: Control metal
This is the best, right? There is no downside. I can move metal things around however I want, whenever I want and nothing bad happens to me. Everything is metal. I could open the roof at a Brewer game if I wanted to. I could fix dents in cars. I could make the coolest beeramids ever. If someone stole a parking space from me I could take their car and move it over like a foot so they'd be double parked and get a ticket. Gotcha! I could take really heavy weights at the gym and make people think I was lifting them with one arm when I am really just controlling it with my metal brain. So much fun things I could do, but also so many good things I could do too. I could build shelters for homeless people. I could be the new star of Extreme Home Makeover and I'd be done in like five seconds. I could change the world. I'd be like Ghandi, but better.
But who am I kidding? Changing the world would be great and all (Zzzzz), but I'd still rather be Wolverine. Wolverine is the best.
Tags: bad ass, batman the animated series, chlamydia, christopher nolan, cred, desperate attempt, fox kids, good chance, grant morrison, joss whedon, little kid, liver damage, mutant power, mutants, ridi, stupid thing, what the heck, wolverine, x men, x men 3