I have this friend and her friend loves this site. Like loves it, loves it. This person (who I have never met) loves the site an therefore loves me. No, seriously. It's true. I am not making this up. In fact of the 480 facebook fans we have a whopping 32% of them are female! That's like 153 girls reading this site! Do you realize what this all means? Chicks frickin' dig me.
Now look girls I know that you think this is all fun and games, but this is serious business. I'm not some trollop you can just post a few comments on his website and next thing you know I'm taking you out to dinner at a fancy restaurant like Red Lobster. I'm sorry, but it just doesn't work that way. I have feelings, I have emotions, I cried at the end of Wall-E! I'm sophisticated, I watch Mad Men! You can't just mosey on in with your sexy facebook profile pictures and think you're going to horn in on all my riches and move into my lush two bedroom apartment. No, you have to be a special kind of lady to get involved with this guy. There was this one time in high school when my best friend and I made a bet that I couldn't turn the ugliest girl in school (and she was really ugly too, pig tails and glasses! gross!) into the prom queen. Well, I changed that girl and she ended up being beautiful, but she didn't win the prom, she won my heart. I made that bet before I knew her, before I really knew me and that was the night that I realized that it's not what's on the outside that counts. It's what's on the inside.
Oh, kiss me beneath the milky twilight
Lead me out on the moonlit floor
Lift your open hand
Strike up the band and make the fireflies dance
Silver moon's sparkling
So kiss me
Where was I at? Prom? I wonder what ever happened to that girl. Yeah, like I was really going to art school with her. Idiot. Wait, that wasn't it. Oh yeah, chicks digging me that are reading this site.
Girls if this is something that you're really interested in doing I have a few guidelines I'd like for you to follow. A few dealbreakers. A few tips. If you think you're serious about this read ahead, but proceed with caution. It's about to get real.DO NOT ask me to karaoke a song from Grease with you. I cannot express this enough. Asking me to sing "You're the one that I want" (ooh ooh ooh) with me is a deal breaker of the highest order. You will go home alone. If you ask me to sing "Summer Lovin'"? I might do it, but there's also a good chance I relive the car crash scene from Death Proof on the ride home. Just a heads up.
DO like me. I find it sad that even I have to mention this.
DO inform me of all haircut decisions. I need a say in these things. I had this girlfriend once who when she was off at college decided to shave her head. Seriously. There is nothing worse than having your pretty girlfriend tell you she is going to get a haircut and the next time you see she looks like Anne Heche in her banging Ellen phase.
DO NOT buy me a personalized jersey with my own name on the back. Everytime I see one of these and I make fun of the person they say "my girlfriend bought it for me" and really, it's hard to make fun of that guy after that. Still, it's obvious their girlfriend thinks he's a douchebag. What kind of douchebag do you think I am? Not that kind, missy.
DO think that Joey and Pacey were a much better relationship than Joey and Dawson. Apparently, this is from a show called "Dawson's Creek" and it is apparently extremely important to me.
DO NOT ask me and my friends to be quiet and to turn the music down because you are trying to sleep. Nobody told you to go to sleep. Wake the hell up, let's party!
DO find me hilarious. Actually, I think I have this one in the bag. *fistpump*
NEVER utter the words "Hey, let's go to Michaels!" That is the place that men's balls go to die.
DO watch Glee. (omigod its like a totally awesome show rite? mr shue is so hott. me and u are like, gleeks! teehee)
DO NOT make a sign. We're probably going to go to a lot of Brewers games together and if you ever make a sign I will tear it up into little pieces and you will cry. The only time I want you crying is when you break up with me. Got it?
DO buy me shampoo and body wash and nice smelling stuff for my bathroom. I love that kind of thing! I would buy it myself but, you know, I'm straight.
DO NOT ask me to split something at a restaurant. First of all, it's kind of emasculating. The idea of going out to eat is that I'm treating you, right? So, what you think I'm poor or something? Think I can't afford two meals? IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK?! Second of all, the very best part of having a girlfriend is that when she doesn't finish her meal when you go out to eat is that you get to finish it. Why would I want to split something when I could eat not only my meal, but half of yours?
DO NOT say "Hey, don't you think you've had enough?" What are you, the bartender? My parole officer? My mom? You're not the boss of me! Get out my face with that jive!
Alright, that's enough for now. Have a good weekend everybody.
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