sixteencandlesI have this friend and her friend loves this site. Like loves it, loves it. This person (who I have never met) loves the site an therefore loves me. No, seriously. It's true. I am not making this up. In fact of the 480 facebook fans we have a whopping 32% of them are female! That's like 153 girls reading this site! Do you realize what this all means? Chicks frickin' dig me.

Now look girls I know that you think this is all fun and games, but this is serious business. I'm not some trollop you can just post a few comments on his website and next thing you know I'm taking you out to dinner at a fancy restaurant like Red Lobster. I'm sorry, but it just doesn't work that way. I have feelings, I have emotions, I cried at the end of Wall-E! I'm sophisticated, I watch Mad Men! You can't just mosey on in with your sexy facebook profile pictures and think you're going to horn in on all my riches and move into my lush two bedroom apartment. No, you have to be a special kind of lady to get involved with this guy. There was this one time in high school when my best friend and I made a bet that I couldn't turn the ugliest girl in school (and she was really ugly too, pig tails and glasses! gross!) into the prom queen. Well, I changed that girl and she ended up being beautiful, but she didn't win the prom, she won my heart. I made that bet before I knew her, before I really knew me and that was the night that I realized that it's not what's on the outside that counts. It's what's on the inside.

Oh, kiss me beneath the milky twilight
Lead me out on the moonlit floor
Lift your open hand
Strike up the band and make the fireflies dance
Silver moon's sparkling
So kiss me


Where was I at? Prom? I wonder what ever happened to that girl. Yeah, like I was really going to art school with her. Idiot. Wait, that wasn't it. Oh yeah, chicks digging me that are reading this site.

Girls if this is something that you're really interested in doing I have a few guidelines I'd like for you to follow. A few dealbreakers. A few tips. If you think you're serious about this read ahead, but proceed with caution. It's about to get real.DO NOT ask me to karaoke a song from Grease with you. I cannot express this enough. Asking me to sing "You're the one that I want" (ooh ooh ooh) with me is a deal breaker of the highest order. You will go home alone. If you ask me to sing "Summer Lovin'"? I might do it, but there's also a good chance I relive the car crash scene from Death Proof on the ride home. Just a heads up.

DO like me. I find it sad that even I have to mention this.

DO inform me of all haircut decisions. I need a say in these things. I had this girlfriend once who when she was off at college decided to shave her head. Seriously. There is nothing worse than having your pretty girlfriend tell you she is going to get a haircut and the next time you see she looks like Anne Heche in her banging Ellen phase.

DO NOT buy me a personalized jersey with my own name on the back. Everytime I see one of these and I make fun of the person they say "my girlfriend bought it for me" and really, it's hard to make fun of that guy after that. Still, it's obvious their girlfriend thinks he's a douchebag. What kind of douchebag do you think I am? Not that kind, missy.

DO think that Joey and Pacey were a much better relationship than Joey and Dawson. Apparently, this is from a show called "Dawson's Creek" and it is apparently extremely important to me.

DO NOT ask me and my friends to be quiet and to turn the music down because you are trying to sleep. Nobody told you to go to sleep. Wake the hell up, let's party!

DO find me hilarious. Actually, I think I have this one in the bag. *fistpump*

NEVER utter the words "Hey, let's go to Michaels!" That is the place that men's balls go to die.

DO watch Glee. (omigod its like a totally awesome show rite? mr shue is so hott. me and u are like, gleeks! teehee)

DO NOT make a sign. We're probably going to go to a lot of Brewers games together and if you ever make a sign I will tear it up into little pieces and you will cry. The only time I want you crying is when you break up with me. Got it?

DO buy me shampoo and body wash and nice smelling stuff for my bathroom. I love that kind of thing! I would buy it myself but, you know, I'm straight.

DO NOT ask me to split something at a restaurant. First of all, it's kind of emasculating. The idea of going out to eat is that I'm treating you, right? So, what you think I'm poor or something? Think I can't afford two meals? IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK?! Second of all, the very best part of having a girlfriend is that when she doesn't finish her meal when you go out to eat is that you get to finish it. Why would I want to split something when I could eat not only my meal, but half of yours?

DO NOT say "Hey, don't you think you've had enough?" What are you, the bartender? My parole officer? My mom? You're not the boss of me! Get out my face with that jive!

Alright, that's enough for now. Have a good weekend everybody.

Vince Morales is the guy who runs this site. He likes the Milwaukee Brewers, pro wrestling and beer. If he offended you he is very, very sorry.

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16 comments on “So ladies, you want to date Miller Park Drunk huh?

  1. Kristen on said:

    Proud to be one of the 32%! lol

  2. Anonymous on said:

    You clearly forgot to mention that she would need to look passed your infatuation with Mike Cameron…

  3. Miller Park Drunk on said:

    Now that he’s off the team I don’t think that will be a problem. Not like last time.

  4. Anonymous on said:

    What about if you are married? Can you hold a sign and go to Michaels and wear a jersey with your name on the back? Cuz I did all that and its not like my life is gonna get worse because of it, so what the hell. I just watched Star Trek the motion picture and realized how hot bald chick are. I thought that Joey and Pacey and Pacey’s teacher in the three way was better but I tend to make things up in my head when I get bored.

  5. My favorite part — Joey and Pacey all the way!! Love the post.

  6. Citizens Bank Park Drunk on said:

    Watch out gentlemen MPD is REALLY right about Michaels. I went to Michaels with my GF for a Halloween costume. By the time I was leaving I actually said “We don’t need to buy wall decour for our new apt, we can just make it with projects we buy here!” Uuuck! It took a week for my balls to drop back into place.

  7. Anonymous on said:

    But I can ask you to sing a Michelle Branch song at karaoke, right?
    -LDF (goes without saying.)

  8. Anonymous on said:

    Who is Joey, what the fuck is a Pacey and why does everyone keep telling me to watch Glee?!

  9. SconnieGirl808 on said:

    32%? That’s pretty good, akshully.

    Um, what about doing Van Halen’s “Panama” in karaoke? Will that fly?

  10. Anonymous on said:

    We would have been perfect for each other except for that Grease thing. Cause *you are the one that I want*! (Ooo ooo ooo. Honey.)

  11. Anonymous on said:

    So who is this insane girl who actually loves the site and you? wow…must be nice

  12. Anonymous on said:

    I thought you didn’t like people that like you. Weird.

  13. Anonymous on said:

    Do you object to long distance relationships? I live in Philadelphia.

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