Remember that one time the Happy Youngster tried to extrort Chris Coghlan for the ball and I called him a douchebag? Well, somehow a 12-year old girl in Florida has made herself look much worse than HY could ever dream of. The story goes:
A 12 year-old girl caught Ryan Howard's 200th home run ball back in July. Afterwards, she was escorted to the Phillies clubhouse and exchanged it for an autographed ball. This being America, she sued (or, I should say, her parents sued) in order to get the ball back. Two days after the suit was filed, the Phillies gave her the ball back.
Actually I take that back, the 12-year old girl didn't do shit. It's her douchebag mother that has made the Happy Youngster look like an okay guy. You see 12-year old's are stupid. I wouldn't trust a 12-year old to walk my dog. You know when you hear about pedophiles going after young girls? They always skip 12-year olds because 12-year olds are too stupid to even get molested properly. If you went up to her and offered to trade her a $5 footlong for the ball she would have done it. She's 12, she's an idiot so I don't blame her. I blame her dumbass mother.
I mean, what did she think would happen? She'd file a lawsuit against the team and they'd say "Oh no, she's suing us for the ball! Let's write her a check for $100,000 so she goes away!" No, they got the lawsuit in the mail read it and said "Are you freaking kidding me?" Then forwarded an email around the office making fun of her. They then went down to the clubhouse and told Ryan Howard who grabbed a random ball from batting practice then had every player on the team rub their balls on it and sent it to this lady. That's what they did. IT'S A BASEBALL. It's not worth anything. If you put Ryan Howard's 200th homerun ball on ebay, nobody is going to bid. Is it even authenticated? Doubt it. The only person this ball has value to is Ryan Howard. It's not like you go to the Hall of Fame and see a large collection of players 200th homerun balls. It's not worth anything and it's definitely not worth whatever you paid to this shitbag lawyer.
How big of a fuckup is this lawyer? Let me play lawyer for a second. If I was a lawyer and a girl walked into my office saying "I want to sue the Philadelphia Phillies and Ryan Howard!" My eyes would light up like a Christmas tree. What happened? Did Ryan Howard hit your car? Rape you? Beat you up in a bar? At this point my eyes would light up like a cartoon character with $$ in place of my pupils. When she finally answered with "My daughter caught Ryan Howard's 200th homerun ball and traded it for an autographed baseball, now we want it back." That's it? He punched her afterwards right? No? Get the fuck out of here. Seriously, get the fuck out of my office and never come back. I'll do you one better, get the fuck out of my office and go stand in front of a semi. You do not deserve to live. I pray for your daughter's soul.
Oh, and did I mention these people are from Florida? No? That's because I actually wanted you to read this article. If you knew they were from Florida you would have read the first paragraph and said "eh" because as we all know people who live in Florida are braindead. The only thing stupider than a 12 year old is a Floridian so basically this girl has no chance.
In the end, is this really the world that we're living in? We're suing people over baseballs now? A few more lawsuits, a few more Happy Youngsters and we're going to have huge nets on the outfield to prevent homerun balls from getting into the hands of douchebags. I think it's a good idea really. F these people.