The Green Bay Packers play the Pittsburgh Steelers in the XLVth Super Bowl this Sunday and everyone is talking about it. You can't walk two feet without seeing something green, hearing about Aaron Rodgers or noticing someone in a Steelers sweatshirt that you had never seen them in before. Everyone has changed their facebook profile picture to a Packers player instead of themselves which, honestly, is a nice replacement for the self portrait they took with their cell phone camera. Most of the people I know can tell me, down to the minute, when the game starts. It's insane. You'd think that one of these teams was from Milwaukee. (What? Green Bay is where now? -Ed.)
I realize that it's completely pointless to try and mention the Milwaukee Brewers in this space until at least Tuesday. (If you really want to know my feelings on the Mark Kotsay signing look at this graph.) For one thing, they haven't even started spring training yet. For another, PACKERSPACKERSPACKERSPACKERSPACKERS. So if you can't beat them join them. I may not be an expert on the Green Bay Packers, but I am an expert on watching television, eating and drinking. We also know a bit about gambling, 8-2 in the playoffs, and are going for the Packers on Sunday. There is money at stake, we're just as excited as you are. We basically know everything you need to know about Sunday and that's why we are here to bring you...
MILLER PARK DRUNK'S GUIDE TO THE SUPER BOWL
See what I did there? With the green? Like the Packers color is green? Nevermind.
GO TO A PARTY
This is pretty much a non-starter with me. I went to the bar on Super Bowl Sunday once and it was the pits. You can't leave if you get sick of being at the bar because you'll miss the game and you have to pay for your drinks. Worse, there is a good chance you get the "obnoxious fan from a team that is not yours" at the bar. There's a reason nobody invited him to a Super Bowl party. You want to kill him every time something bad happens for your team and you still want to kill him when he's making lame excuses when good things happen for your team. Lose-lose-lose situation. I once watched the Super Bowl on a 28" TV with three guys in a house without heat and even that was better than the time I watched the game in a bar. It's just not worth it.
You know how sometimes you are at a football party and the host decides to wait til halftime to bring out the main course? Don't be that guy who waits to eat anything until halftime. That's stupid. You need to be attacking the meat and cheese tray like Ben Roethlisberger attacks a college girl. You have to be downing chips like Ben Roethlisberger pours Jager bombs down a college girl's throat. You've got to be going threw spinach dip like Ben Roethlisberger goes through hush money.
Here's the thing, you know how people say you have to eat and get a base before drinking? That's true, but you also need to get a good base before eating. You can't eat 50 wings without a few cheese and crackers first. You can't down four brats without a little chips. You have to be ready. You need to fire a warning flare down into your stomach that today is going to be a tough day for it and let it know that it needs to man up because you won't be stopping anytime soon. It's what Super Bowl Sunday is all about. Killing yourself to live.
Bloody Marys before the game? Yeah.
Beer? Of course.
Shots after TDs? Why not.
Switching to hard liquor when things aren't going how you want them to? You betcha.
Celebratory champagne? Sure!
A nice glass of wine as your significant other makes you watch the post game episode of Glee? You earned it!
Drink as much as you can. It's not like anyone expects you to actually get any work done on Monday.
Some people will say that you shouldn't bet on your own team because if they lose you will suffer a double loss. I say you should only do that when your team sucks and is going to lose, but you are too stupid to realize it. Bears fans know what I'm talking about. GAMBLE YOUR HEARTS OUT and the Super Bowl is the best time to do it.
Here's a list of real things you can bet on courtesy of Bodog:
- Who will win the coin toss?
- How long will it take Christina Aguilera to sing the National Anthem? O/U 1 minute 54 seconds
- Will Fergie be dressed as a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader at any point during the Halftime show?
- How Many Times will FOX mention “Brett Favre” on TV during the Game? O/U 2.5
- What Color will the Gatorade be that is dumped on the Head Coach of the Winning Super Bowl Team?
- Will B.J.Raji be on the field for at least 1offensive play?
- Will there be a score in the first 3min 30 seconds of the 1st quarter?
- Green Bay Packers win Super Bowl and Milwaukee Brewers win on MLB Opening Day (3/31/11)? Yes +225!
- Number of sexual assault allegations against Ben Roethlisberger in the week after the Super Bowl?
Sorry, they took that last one off the board.
Okay, I made it up.
Seriously though, you can gamble on anything. My picks? Packers -3, Aaron Rodgers for MVP (The QB of the winning team wins MVP something like XL out of XLV times) and Donald Driver over 4.5 catches. GAMBLING!!!!!!!!!
There are two types of assholes at your Super Bowl party. The first is the "I don't care who wins, I just want a good game" guy. This guy is a total moron and will likely leave before the end of the third quarter because whatever his idea of a "good game" isn't happening. Plus, he wants to get home to make sure Glee records properly. Screw him.
The other is the, "I don't care who wins, I just want to see the commercials" guy. Does anyone like this guy? I mean, just think about the very nature of commercials. I end up watching most of my favorite shows on the internet because I want to avoid commercials. People with DVRs record their favorite shows so they can fast forward through the commercials. Why would anyone want to watch the commercials? On purpose? Sure, some of them will be funny and some of them will be cool and some of them will feature music from your favorite indie band so you will think that the commercial is cool even though the only thing that happens is a car drives down a road next to the ocean, but that doesn't mean they will never air again. No, if a commercial is good you will see it every day for the rest of the year until the next Super Bowl.
Keep the volume down low and talk right over it. Commercials are stupid. Almost as stupid as Joe Buck's stupid voice.
While we're here, tell anyone who mentions the impending NFL lockout and says things like "This may be the last football we see for a long time" to shut the hell up. The season doesn't begin until September anyways. Isn't 8 months, 3/4ths of the year from now, a long time as it is? SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!
BEN ROETHLISBERGER JOKES
Is there a limit on them? Hell no.
I recommend printing this picture out for any Steeler fans at your party.
There are many reasons to hate Ben Roethlisberger. He has been fellated by the media ever since his rookie season and announcers constantly call him "Ben" which reminds me way too much of another first name basis quarterback I can't stand. Also, he's a complete douchebag.
Now some people might say that Ben Roethlisberger is a rapist jokes are played out and somewhat tasteless. I say, these jokes will never get old and you should make fun of him as much as your heart desires.
HOW MANY PEOPLE DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGTHBULB?
TWO- BEN ROETHLISBERGER AND SOMEONE FOR HIM TO RAPE!
That last post was, obviously, a joke which still didn't stop some people from calling me names and taking it seriously.
The truth is I am rooting for the Packers. How could you not? I don't want all my friends and readers to be depressed and do we really want a rapist to win another Super Bowl? He already has two! Somebody has to stop him. Just do it already, Packers.
However, if the Packers do win there is going to be some ground rules.
- There is no limit on how much merchandise you can buy, but none of it can be crappy. Just because a hat that says "Packers World Champions" is $5 at Wal-Mart doesn't mean you should buy it.
- Do not under any circumstances convince yourself that any of these Packer parody songs are good. "Fly Like a Cheesehead" is not a good song, "Green and Yellow" is not a good song and I don't know what the hell this is.
If you must, go with that Lil Wayne song. IF YOU MUST.
- Remember, the Brewers are going to be awesome this year. If the Packers win the Super Bowl that doesn't mean that you don't need to care about the Brewers. You can't just be interested in the Packers offseason, the draft, summer workouts and all the other boring stuff the NFL tries to make sound interesting. If you are going to ignore anything, ignore the Bucks. That's what we did. The Brewers are going to the World Series. Put it behind you.
- Don't drink and drive.
And if they don't win? Well I'm not a religious man, but God help us all. I might need to move.