What's your name? Who's your daddy? Is he rich like me? Has he taken any time, any time to show you what you need to live? Tell it to me slowly. Tell you what? I really want to know.
That's right, Miller Park Drunk fans, it's the time of the season for loving. While some people might say that my heart turned black many years ago after it was ripped out by an evil bitch woman [I don't really mean this, baby. Come on, let's get back together! I frickin' love you okay!? GOD WHY ARE YOU BEING LIKE THIS!? ANSWER MY FACEBOOK MESSAGES ALREADY! -Ed.] the truth is that I am actually quite capable of love. In fact, I am a believer that the summer may be the best time for people to find it.
There are a lot of cool things to do with a girl during the summer. Taking a sunset walk along the beach, going to the fair and trying to look cool by winning a stuffed animal, introducing her to your parents, going kayaking or just taking her to a bar and getting drunk together (or as I like to call it "my only move") are all great things to do on a date. If you can't think of something to do with a girl during the summer you clearly aren't trying. Of course when you are thinking of things to do with a girl during the summer it's inevitable that the idea of taking them to a Brewers game will come up. Miller Park is fun and exciting and it's a great place for people to get drunk. It sounds great, but this is a very, very slippery slope. Where do you see this going? Do you like this girl? Because if you do this it just might be the ultimate test of the validity of your relationship. I'm not being facetious here, taking a date to Miller Park is SERIOUS BUSINESS and it could spell doom for any potential relationships you might have.
Which, like always, is why I am here. Here to help you through the trying times of trying to find love in the 21st century because if I can help you then maybe I can help myself and if I can help myself then there is hope for us all.
Miller Park Drunk's Guide to Taking a Date To Miller Park
Whether it's your first date or your tenth, you need to treat this date like a special occasion. You need her to know that this date is a big deal for you. Why? Because if this relationship works out this definitely won't be the last time the two of you go to Miller Park together. It's going to be a regular, constant thing like spooning or being told to stop drinking. That's what love is. Having someone to go to Miller Park with that will hopefully drive you home, but we're getting way ahead of ourselves with all that. First, we've got to get through this date.
Get decent, but not too good of seats: If there is one thing you don't want to be it's that guy sitting in row 40 of Bernie's Terrace saying "Isn't this great?" as his date struggles to make out the number on the back of Ryan Braun's uniform. That's bad. What may be worse though is sitting so close that she gets a good view of the players. They are all rich and likely bettter looking for you. Worse, she may get a look at Corey Hart. She's either going to find him attractive and think his tattoos are "cool" (which will be a massive boner killer, possibly permament) or she's going to find him repulsive and possibly turn into a lesbian on the spot. It's one thing to have a crush on him because of his play, but just look at that beard. If she thinks its hot then you know this will never work out. Don't do it.
The ideal place to sit is either in the bleachers or somewhere on the 200 level. It's not too expensive and doesn't set a precedence for future Brewers games. Plus, you have a good view of the game, she can tell you're not totally cheap and you are in walking distance to Friday's. Which leads us to...
Go to Friday's: I love drinking beer. It's so good and it makes me feel like a man (unlike white wine, which makes me feel like different Disney princesses depending on the blend). Sadly, girls don't like to feel like a man so much and beer doesn't really do it for them. You can't blame them really, it doesn't even have ice in it. Girls prefer a nice mixed drink. Something with fruit juices and multiple liquors that tastes like a bad Kool-Aid that gets you drunk. In the old days you'd have been screwed, but the Brewers love us and along with Miller Park they have given us Friday's Front Row.
Friday's has good long islands and they can make tons of other crap that manly men like us know nothing about, like sweet delicious Mai Tais that are so tropical and delicious it's like drinking Aloha in a cup. Ahem. Girls die for these types of drinks and taking them into Fridays to get one (especially if they didn't even know that this was possibility) is a huge boon for you. They think "Hey, this guy really cares about what I get drunk off of. How sweet." Sure, it's going to cost you about $19 dollars not including tip for the drink but sometimes you got to shell out a little cash if you want to get laid. At least that's how it worked with your mom.
Pay attention, but not too close attention: Girls like a lot of stupid stuff. Twilight, Ke$ha, American Idol, Lady Gaga and The Hills are just a few examples of the bad taste girls consistently show and because of this history of bad taste it's entirely possible that the girl you are with does not enjoy the game of baseball. The beauty of a 6-4-3 double play will be lost on her and a perfectly executed bunt will look like just another weak hit. Don't let this phase you. This is not a deal breaker. You are not looking for a new best friend to complain about Ken Macha's bullpen usage with, that's what guys are for. You are looking for a girlfriend. Act accordingly.
Still, you want to engage her in the game and you do this by rewarding her for what's going on the field. High five when anything positive happens and you can also... umm.. uhh... that's really all I got. High fiving. Did I mention that I've never actually had a successful date at Miller Park? Probably should have mentioned that. And the reason it's never work is that I didn't...
Get her drunk, not yourself: Let me tell you something about guys. Guys don't need to get drunk to have sex with someone in the bathroom. Girls do. It's a fact, you can look it up.
Bey0nd that when guys get drunk they have this tendency to ruin everything around them especially potential relationships. Taking whatever chances they had at love and throwing them down the toilet with everything ridiculous, jealous, stupid, irrational comment that comes out of their mouth. Moving yourself from the "guy she considers dating" to the "guy she does not want to ride home with under any circumstances". (Or maybe that's just me.) The point is that if you want to have a good time and a successful date, you can have a drink but you can't get drunk. Not if you're serious about this and you have feelings for this person and you really want it to work out. Love works in mysterious ways and the heart wants what it... hey, wait a second here Friday's sells shots? Jagerbombs, even? OMG we have to do one.