Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and most of you are probably already checked out for the holiday, but just in case you are like me and completely irresponsible, waiting til Christmas Eve to buy anyone anything than I have a list for you. I can't tell you what anyone wants (probably something involving their cellphone), but I can tell you what they DON'T want. So here's 10 Christmas gifts you shouldn't get for that Brewers fan in your life, don't worry there is still time to return it!
From the completely obvious category.
9. Happy Youngster T-shirt
I was going to put another one from the obvious department here, but it looks like they stopped selling this one.
/takes credit for it
If you spend $9499.99 and STILL pay shipping for something this utterly pointless you deserve to be beaten to death with this bat.
Why does this exist? Seriously?
6. Brewers Randy Wolf Jersey
To quote Pulp Fiction: Let's not all start sucking each other's (somethings) just yet.
Full disclosure: I used to have this little crush on a girl with a boyfriend. I never really pursued it because I'm not really like that and, well, he could probably kick my ass. Anyways, I was talking to her recently and I made a comment about someone's Affliction shirt and how I did not like it. Her reply? "Are you kidding me? I love those shirts! I got my boyfriend one for Christmas!" CRUSH. OVER.
Look, I LOVE the Rocky movies more than just about anything in my life and just about any action figure from the series would be considered a cool gift (especially FRANK STALLONE), but Paulie? Seriously? (Note: I've heard there is an Adrianne figure too, but much like Rocky V I refuse to believe it exists.)
3. A sweater
A sweater? A FRICKIN' SWEATER? You took all of your knowledge of me and the best you could come up with is a f'n sweater? Thanks for nothing, aunt and uncle.
I've never actually received these as a gift, but I've heard of them. You see what happens is that your girlfriend decides that she doesn't believe in the capitalist nature of Christmas and instead decides to make you some "coupons". You go through them and they are all so clever and cute like "Watch sports instead of something gay", "Don't have to take out the garbage" and "No Jason Mraz for a day." These are all fine and well, but there are two distinct problems with this as a gift.
- You lose them and you always lose them right when you need them too. Let's play some Jason Mraz for our dinner party tonight. No, I have that coupon. Okay, where is it? NOOOOOOOO! "look into your heart and you'll find love love love laahhhhh-ooovvvvvve"/smashes head into wall
- All the coupons are things that you don't want to do or things that you don't even think you have to do anything. Where is the Princess Leia costume coupon? Where is the blowjob coupon? IT'S NOT THERE. Why? Because she doesn't really love you, that's why.
Just when you thought it was safe to go in the pool again.