Ten Christmas Gifts NOT to buy a Brewers fan

santaTomorrow is Christmas Eve and most of you are probably already checked out for the holiday, but just in case you are like me and completely irresponsible, waiting til Christmas Eve to buy anyone anything than I have a list for you. I can't tell you what anyone wants (probably something involving their cellphone), but I can tell you what they DON'T want. So here's 10 Christmas gifts you shouldn't get for that Brewers fan in your life, don't worry there is still time to return it!

10. How To Snag Major League Baseballs by Zach Hample

zachhampleislame

From the completely obvious category.

9. Happy Youngster T-shirt

dbag

I was going to put another one from the obvious department here, but it looks like they stopped selling this one.

/takes credit for it

(This one is still available.)

8. Steuben Glass Milwaukee Brewers Regulation Size Baseball Bat

If you spend $9499.99 and STILL pay shipping for something this utterly pointless you deserve to be beaten to death with this bat.

7. Brewers Essential: Everything You Need To Know To Be A Real Fan by Tom Haudricourt

Why does this exist? Seriously?

6. Brewers Randy Wolf Jersey

To quote Pulp Fiction: Let's not all start sucking each other's (somethings) just yet.

5. Remetee Clothing

bondsremetee

Full disclosure: I used to have this little crush on a girl with a boyfriend. I never really pursued it because I'm not really like that and, well, he could probably kick my ass. Anyways, I was talking to her recently and I made a comment about someone's Affliction shirt and how I did not like it. Her reply? "Are you kidding me? I love those shirts! I got my boyfriend one for Christmas!" CRUSH. OVER.

4. Paulie Action Figure

pauliefigure

Look, I LOVE the Rocky movies more than just about anything in my life and just about any action figure from the series would be considered a cool gift (especially FRANK STALLONE), but Paulie? Seriously? (Note: I've heard there is an Adrianne figure too, but much like Rocky V I refuse to believe it exists.)

3. A sweater

A sweater? A FRICKIN' SWEATER? You took all of your knowledge of me and the best you could come up with is a f'n sweater? Thanks for nothing, aunt and uncle.

2. Coupons

I've never actually received these as a gift, but I've heard of them. You see what happens is that your girlfriend decides that she doesn't believe in the capitalist nature of Christmas and instead decides to make you some "coupons". You go through them and they are all so clever and cute like "Watch sports instead of something gay", "Don't have to take out the garbage" and "No Jason Mraz for a day." These are all fine and well, but there are two distinct problems with this as a gift.

  1. You lose them and you always lose them right when you need them too. Let's play some Jason Mraz for our dinner party tonight. No, I have that coupon. Okay, where is it? NOOOOOOOO! "look into your heart and you'll find love love love laahhhhh-ooovvvvvve"/smashes head into wall
  2. All the coupons are things that you don't want to do or things that you don't even think you have to do anything. Where is the Princess Leia costume coupon? Where is the blowjob coupon? IT'S NOT THERE. Why? Because she doesn't really love you, that's why.

1. Remetee Board Shorts

remeteeshorts

Just when you thought it was safe to go in the pool again.

Vince Morales is the guy who runs this site. He likes the Milwaukee Brewers, pro wrestling and beer. If he offended you he is very, very sorry.

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7 comments on “Ten Christmas Gifts NOT to buy a Brewers fan

  1. Pingback: Tweets that mention Ten Christmas Gifts NOT to buy a Brewers fan | Miller Park Drunk -- Topsy.com

  2. Anonymous on said:

    you forgot to mention the personalized jersey. Or is that just too obvious for this list?

  3. Miller Park Drunk on said:

    CRAP! I meant for that to be number one because I never really get sick of making fun of those, but after seeing the Remetee boardshorts I lost my way. I mean… Yeah, way too obvious. Like, duh.

  4. Anonymous on said:

    The Remetee board shorts were a surprise… a horrible, eye-sore of a surprise…

  5. You covered the premature jersey selection but not the dumbass jersey selection off the clearance rack because they think they remember you’re a Brewer fan.

  6. Anonymous on said:

    I don’t want nothin’ from you. I don’t want nothin’ from you. This ain’t no charity case. Get outta my house. You ain’t no friend no more. Get outta my house, I just says. you get out of my house. I don’t want you messin’ her, and I don’t raise you to go with this scum bum! Yeah? Come on! You wanna hit on me? Come on! I’ll break both your arms so they don’t work for ya!
    That’s right! I’m not good enough to meet with Gazzo… that’s what I think of Gazzo! Now your a big-shot fighter on your way up, you don’t even throw a crumb to your friend Paulie! When I go out and get your meat every morning! You forgot that! Then I even give you my sister, too! I’m a pig? A pig gives you the best? You’re such a loser! I don’t get married because of you! You can’t live by yourself! I put you two together! And you – don’t you forget it! You owe me! You owe me! You’re supposed to be good to me.

  7. Anonymous on said:

    cubs season tickets comin yer way

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