I love Thanksgiving so, so very much. It combines a few of my favorite pastimes: overeating, drinking heavily, not doing anything, punching family members in the face. If we could figure out a way to transfer Thanksgiving to the parking lot at Miller Park in mid-August this would be the greatest holiday of all. It still is (why? none of that whiny God shit), but that would make it just that much better like a finger in your asshole during a blowjob. I mean, ummm.... I just... uhh, ummm yeah. So ANYWAYS, Thanksgiving is awesome and I like to consider myself an expert in the holiday. Do I know how to cook turkey and do stuff with the gizard and whatnot? Fuck no. I know how to make this holiday legendary. I know how to turn Thanksgiving into Thanksfuckingyeahgiving. Want to have an awesome holiday? Tired of deciding to go to the movies because you are so bored? Tired of pretending to care about a Cowboys game or using mock outrage that you don't get the NFL Network? Miller Park Drunk is here to guide you through the greatest holiday of them all.
Most of you will be going back "home" for the holiday meaning the place that you grew up. Undoubtedly Wednesday night you will feel the urge to hit the town and go out to a few bars. This is a time-honored tradition that I have being trying to make sense of for years. On the one hand I love to get drunk, on the other I hate talking to idiots I knew in high school. What to do? Here's a few tips.
- They say: "(name)! I haven't seen you in a long time what's been up?"
You say: "Not much."
Short and direct they should get the idea that you are not really interested in talking to them.
- They say: "I'm good. Just working."
You say: Nothing.
You didn't ask, you don't care. Hopefully they get the hint.
- They say: "Man, it's been forever. How long has it been 5 years? What has been going on with your life? Married? Kids? Tell me about your life."
You say: "Yes, it's been FIVE FUCKING YEARS. I haven't spoken to you in FIVE YEARS. Do you think this was an accident? Do you think in this era of cellphones, facebook and twitter that I couldn't track you down and reunite if I really gave a shit about talking to you? I don't care. We are not friends. Stop talking to me."
The hint! I am hitting you over the head with the hint! Get it!
- They say: "Oh Vince, you haven't changed a bit. You're hilarious man."
I say: "Fuck off. Buy me a shot"
I give up.
Of course, none of that will possibly work because the kind of douchebags who are super excited to see people from high school that weren't really their friends to begin with are so fucking lonely and friendless that unless they did this move, every single year, they would sit alone in the corner all night trying to strike up conversations about Brett Favre.
Your best bet is to go out with a decent sized group of friends so that you can save each other throughout the night. "Oh, hey haven't seen you in awhile either. Sorry, gotta get back to my friends his girlfriend just broke up with him." Works every time. Unless they know your friends too, then you are FUCKED.
I can't really help you with your family traditions. If you are stuck in one of those families that sucks (eats at noon while watching the Veggietales movie (for the kids) every year) there isn't much I can do for you. However, if you live in an average Wisconsin family and you watch football during the day and you eat around 3ish I've got a few tips to get you through the day.
- Bloody mary, first thing. No excuses.
- Buy your beers in the morning: The liquor store normally stays open til around 11 or 12 so this gives you a sense of urgency and a bit on an adrenaline rush to score the beer. If you are nursing a hangover (and you god damn better well be after hanging with all those douchebags last night) this is huge. The urgency makes you forget that you are tired and hungover and scoring beer becomes the only thought in your brain. I imagine this is what crackheads feel like all the time.
- Start drinking: Filled with adrenaline this will be easy.
- Gorge yourself on appetizers: And I mean GORGE yourself. The ideal spread would be: spinach artichoke dip, crab dip, cheese and crackers with summer sausage (YES) and veggies with 40 oz of ranch dressing on the side. The best thing about these is they are all small portions so when half of one of the plates goes missing you can't be directly blamed.
- Drink more: I don't care if you are full. You are finishing an 18 pack today.
- Relax, watch football, drink.
- DINNER TIME: You can't really respect yourself unless you have at least three servings of stuffing, one large serving of mashed potatoes and gravy, a healthy serving of green bean casserole (making sure to steal extra french fried onions), as much skin as you can get off the turkey, very little white meat and enough dark meat to kill a dachshund. Anyone who prefers white over dark is a pussy.
- Do dishes, clean up: Hahaha, just kidding! Grab me another beer and get to work grandma!
- Two large pieces of pumpkin pie: Here's why pumpkin pie works: no matter how full you are you can just sort of much it around in your mouth until it's liquid-y enough for you to just drink it. Perfect.
- Drink more and more.
- DANCE PARTY: If you and your family don't get drunk enough to have an impromptu dance party, I pity you. After all the food is settled, you are sick of watching football and you are buzzed enough to start trying to figure out if making out with your second cousin would be considered incest, it's time to put on some music. Start with some Kool & The Gang to appease the old people and go from there. You won't regret it. If you can start a Soul Train-esque circle that involves your aunt doing the electric slide, congratulations you have won Thanksgiving.
Of course, that guide is for guys. For the girls your Thanksgiving should look like this. (Gays can play too.)
- Start cooking.
- Bitch among yourselves about how the guys aren't helping and are just drinking and watching football. Share husband/boyfriend horror stories. One time he was in the bathroom for a half hour!
- Put out the appetizers. Complain that the guys are gorging themselves.
- Continue cooking.
- Have enough, start drinking wine.
- Ask a silly sports question. How many goals do the Packers have this inning?
- Become frustrated, drink more wine.
- Put out dinner. Bask in the adulation.
- Offer to clear everyone's plates.
- Do dishes. Refuse halfhearted offers for help.
- Drink more wine.
- Dance party!
I know it sounds hard, but trust me ladies you don't want to do what we do. It is not healthy and you will outlive us.
BLACK FRIDAY IS HERE! TIME TO WAKE UP AT 4 AM AND GO SHOPPING! Unless you are a guy then you just sit around and do nothing all day long while making it your personal goal to finish what's left of the turkey. Turkey stew? Not this year, honey! It's awesome, trust me. Ladies, you are about to go through hell. Here's a few tips for defending yourself.
- I didn't mention this in my dating guide, but do not under any circumstances ask me to go with you. I know that "having an extra man" improves your odds of getting one of the four laptops for fifteen bucks, but I don't give a shit. If you ask me to do this it is a deal breaker. PERIOD~
- Bring a knife or shiv: I know this sounds barbaric, but every year someone DIES in one of these stores. Do you want it to be you? It's kill or be killed out there and I want you to be on the right end of that deal.
- Skip the DVDs, go for the big stuff: It's kind of like on Super Market Sweep when you went for the big turkeys and left all the small shit behind. I mean, that's what I heard happens on Super Market Sweep. I didn't watch that on Lifetime after Golden Girls or anything.
- Apply the word bitch liberally: "Get out of my way bitch" "Bitch, get your hands of my Tickle Me Elmo" and my personal favorite "Bitch you best step the fuck away from that Blu-Ray player before I cut yo ass bitch."
- Shop online: Seriously, most of these deals are like 50 INCH LCD FLAT SCREEN ONLY 40 BUCKS** (*=only one available, maybe). Use a little sense.
Alright, I think I covered just about everything (except how to handle that cousin who wears Remetee shirts because I really have no answer for that one.) Have fun and don't short yourself, drink and eat as much as you can. Thanksgiving only comes once a year.