Miller Park Drunk's Pants Party is going to be many things. It's going to be the first (and possibly last) meet up this site ever does. It's going to be one of the greatest tailgates of the year. It's going to be awesome, really awesome. More importantly, it's going to be an experience that changes your life on a deep level for many, if not all, of you.
Now, I know what you're thinking "Shut up, Vince. I know you are just trying to sell tickets to your stupid party that's over a month away" and you would be 100% correct. I am trying to sell tickets to my stupid party that's over a month away. Shit costs monies, yo. But I am also being completely honest with you right now. Your life will be changed by this event. You will walk out of (or possibly be carried out of) this event with your life changed in ways that you never thought possible. You see, you're going to meet people at this event. People you never knew existed and people you never thought could exist. People who will change your perception of reality to the point that you will start carrying a totem around like Cobb in Inception. People who will blow your mind. In fact, I know these people and if you are even a little bit interested in this event I'd like to tell you about them. I think you'll like them.
You will meet someone who will make you say "Really!?"
We meet people that make us say "Really!?" everyday of our lives and especially at Brewers game. The big fat guy with the personalized jersey with a nickname like "BIG MIKE" or "BUBBA" on the back and the number 69. The grown man with a glove on. The person dressed in Cubs attire when the Cubs aren't even playing. The person with absolutely no clue who is on the team that thinks "Prince should bunt more". People with no clue.
We love to make fun of these people here. Hell, we spend at least 90% of our posts doing it. You would think that with a fan base that knows how we feel about gloves and personalized jerseys and everything else that we wouldn't get anyone like this, but I assure you that we will and when you see them you will say "really!?" because really, what else are you going to say?
The rumors are true. The Bugs & Cranks superstar, Onion AV Club contributor, Doctors of Za proprietor, dude who wrote funny stuff at Right Field Bleachers when it was still a blog, Shorewood lothario and third runner up in a national Dave Grohl lookalike contest will be attending this event. Everything you've ever heard about Tyler Maas is true.
Yes, he does own a Shake Weight and yes, it's shocks the hell out of his core. Thank you for asking.
Yes, he enjoys eating entire wheels of cheese.
Yes, he does have a bigger head than Willie Mays.
No, he doesn't use pickup lines. He just tells girls, "Now."
And yeah, he does kinda look like a man who smells like a man who tastes like he wants to buy a house. What of it?
When I met Tyler Maas it was like the first time I heard the Monkees. I thought love was something something fairytales. Tyler Maas is worth the price of admission on his own.
Miller Park Drunk
Oh, hey, that's me. I've been told I'm pretty cool and excellent in bed.
By your mom.
My special lady friend*
Who would want to date someone who is drunk all the time, has no filter on the things that come out of their mouth, who watches too much baseball and is always trying to have sex in the bathroom at Brewers games? I don't know. You'd have to ask my girlfriend.
(*= My special lady friend may not actually attend. Seriously, you think she's going to make it an entire month without realizing this stuff and kicking me to the curb? Hello!)
Your future husband/wife
You might not actually meet this person, but the chance is there. Much like dating your friend when you already know all of their likes and dislikes, dating someone you meet at Miller Park Drunk's Pants Party gets a lot of the b.s. of dating out of the way. Ever been worried that your potential mate might bring a glove to the game and totally kill your boner? Not with someone you meet at this party. Do you ever worry that the guy you're dating is just going to show up one day in a Remetee? Not with a guy you meet at this party. Have you ever been worried that the girl you really like might be saving herself for marriage? Not a chance with the chicks who go to this party. Ever been worried that your man/woman can't eat five sausages in a single sitting? (No? Nobody worries about that? Well, okay then.)
This party has the potential to create a lot of happiness in your life by introducing you to your future ex-husband or wife. Really, you owe it to yourself to go.
Miller Park Drunk's Pants Party is 8/29 and will take place at Miller Park. A pre-game (and likely post-game if there is beer left, which there should be) tailgate including beer, tons of food and more is included. It's twenty-five bucks for like a $40 value. Seriously, it's going to be awesome. Don't miss it.