The MPD Guide to Holiday Parties

December 18th, 2013

Last weekend I went to my girlfriend's work holiday party and it was GREAT, oh my god I had so much FUN and I CAN'T WAIT to go again next year! Holiday parties are the best and I think everyone should just go and spread Christmas cheer.

(looks over shoulder)

Okay, she's not looking anymore.

It was actually lammmmee. Nobody really embarrassed themselves, nobody threw up and nobody hooked up in a coat closet. Was it amateur hour or something? Nobody seemed like they wanted to win the party (ie be the most drunk) or become famous in the office for the rest of the year. It's almost like they needed some help, some guidance, something to show them how to make the most out of their Christmas party, They needed...

The MPD Guide to Holiday Parties



Dun Dun DUN!!!!!

Step One: Pre-Game

In order for this party to be a success you need to turn your brain off. You don't like most of these people the other 364 days a year so why would you like them at the Christmas party when they are somehow even lamer and you aren't even working? So start drinking early and get that brain of yours into full on "the video for Bound 2 was a good idea" mode. Ideally you'll have a few beers while you get ready, but not so much that someone will say "have you been drinking?" when you arrive. Nobody wants to be THAT guy.

(I know. I am that guy.)

Step Two: Dress for Success

I saw a guy at the aforementioned Christmas party wearing khakis and a nice flannel shirt. Nice, right? WRONG. The flannel shirt wasn't long enough to tuck in. Did he borrow it from his little brother? Was it made from 2000% cotton? Seriously, what kind of self respecting adult male wears a shirt tailor made for seventh graders at their first dance?

My point is: don't be that guy. Wear something nice. This is a Christmas party, not Monster Jam. Don't get all slutty, but don't be afraid to let your goods show. After all, a big part of this party is showing your co-workers how much better at life you are than them in every way. Let them wear their Christmas sweaters for real while you look fresh. It will also work in your favor in the long run as it is scientifically proven that someone who is wasted looks a lot less wasted when they are dressed nice.

Step Three: Find A Partner

Once you finally arrive at the party it is your job to find a drinking partner. This will be someone who will drink with you, but also can't handle their booze as well as you. Think mom who just had a kid in the past year getting her first night out My fuckin' lazy, fat asshole husband is at home with the kids so I don't give a FUCK or newbie employee that is too stupid to realize that you aren't supposed to get bombed at these things Bro I was in a frat I can totally handle my shit no worries. These people are your lifelines. The amount that you can drink directly depends on the amount these people drink. As long as they get wasted, you are fine. Nobody ever tells stories about how two people got really drunk at the Christmas party. They tell stories about that one person and for you, that's your partner. Sorry nerd!

BONUS TIP: If your party offers drink tickets find the people who don't drink and talk to them. After awhile they will be leaving because they are boring as fuck and they will give you the drink tickets because you are the only one who talked to them. Score!

Step Four: Just Eat It

The food at these things sounds good on paper Grilled Beef Pasta and Seafood Stuffed Chicken Breast when in actuality it's Hamburger Helper, a chicken thigh and a can of tuna that the cook found in the parking lot. Don't act grossed out when it sucks and skip dinner, you're better drunker than that, let your partner skip dinner. Just eat it, get the base and commence drinking.

BONUS TIP: The appetizers are ALWAYS better than the actual meal. Load up on those.

If there is table wine it is probably the dirt worst, like sub-boxed. It might as well come in an aluminum can. Don't let this deter you. This is free booze. Mix the red and white together and drink away. Maybe add some salad dressing if it's really bad. You'll probably have to sit through a speech from someone at some point (that will be borderline racist and 100% sexist) after dinner so make sure you are well stocked. A post-meal trip the bar and the free wine should get you there.

Step Five: Let the music play

After dinner and the awful speech section it is time to dance. Seriously, that is all there is to do. You were expecting games?

Remember that part I said earlier about turning your brain off? This is what you were preparing for. The DJs they hire for these things didn't even graduate from high school, much less DJ College. They have no idea what they are doing. To make matters worse they are going to bombarded with requests from the moment they walk in so any chance of them playing good music goes right out the window. Have you ever seen a woman over forty dance to Gangnam Style? You will. Have you ever seen couples dance to Simple Man by Lynyrd Skynyrd for real? You will. Have you ever done the Cupid Shuffle in a non-wedding environment? Sigh... you will. It's terrible, but if you numb your brain enough with alcohol you should be able to handle it and maybe even enjoy it.

(Just kidding. Nobody enjoys it.)

However, I've figured out two fun games you can play to get over it.

  1. Request the most inappropriate songs imaginable.
    In the past I've gotten the DJ to play Shots by LMFAO which is just funny to see a bunch of business professionals dance to. I've also seen that one Crazy Bitch song played which is both hilarious and scary while also being a good way to find out who in the office has slept with each other.
    Have fun with it. Maybe you can get the DJ to play some 2 Live Crew deep cuts which your manager will then know all the words to.
  2. I can drink more than youThe rules of this one are a bit complicated, but basically you take your partner and see who can drink more. It's long, like Monopoly, but tons of fun (unlike Monopoly).

Step Six: Don't Under Any Circumstances Go To An After Bar With Your Co-Workers

It's a trap. These people aren't your friends. Don't let them trick you into thinking otherwise. Someone will try to make out with you. You will hookup with someone that you will instantly regret. Someone else will offer you drugs. The after bar at whatever chain restaurant is closest is a bad scene. Don't do it.

Vince Morales is the guy who runs this site. He likes the Milwaukee Brewers, pro wrestling and beer. If he offended you he is very, very sorry.

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