I do my best not to get jealous when it comes to my girlfriend. Whether it's her puzzling lifelong crush on Jason Mraz or the people who won't stop telling me how "lucky" I am to be with her or any of her assorted male best friends, I do my best not to let it bother me. After all she is with me and not them for a reason, I don't know what that reason might be (I suspect some sort of experiment for college credit), but the fact is that she is with me and not them. So I try not to get jealous, but she's attractive and she owns a vagina so she gets hit on a lot. I do my best not to let it bother me, but sometimes it does. Like the other day.
The other day she went to the corner store where we normally go to pick up alcohol and other drinks and the cashier (who never does this sort of thing) asked her if she had a boyfriend. She told him that she did and when he asked if it was "that guy you're always in here with" she told him that yes, that was me and I was her boyfriend. (Good work, btw girlfriend.) I would have preferred "Yeah he's my boyfriend you got a problem with that douchebag? His name is Vince and he will f*ckin' END you for this, dog", but she's not Lil' Kim and probably way too nice to even think to say something like that. Plus, she probably doesn't believe I could actually end anybody. Still, that should have shut him up right? He should be apologizing to her. Apologizing for the great disrespect that he has shown for the two of us and our relationship because we seem like nice people and are probably a really good couple. "Sorry," he should say, "I messed up," but of course he doesn't do that. No, he has something to say. He says "Oh...."
I heard that he was gay.
I heard that he was gay.
I heard that he was gay.
Seriously? That's your play, guy who I always talk to about sports? Really, guy who I once told to "start stocking condoms because I don't want another kid"? That's your move? Really? You sure about that, guy with a neck tattoo who is out of her league anyways?
(And I'm not gay. I watch professional wrestling! There's nothing gay about that, that's for sure!)
It sucks. I can't even trust my girlfriend to buy me a Vitamin Water without some jerkoff trying to hit on her, but the truth is that when it comes to your girlfriend you really can't trust anybody. How many movies are there about best friends in love with the same girl or the guy in love with his brother's fiance? How many vampires have to steal girls from werewolves before we learn that this stuff happens in real life? It happens all the time, every single day and there is only a few people in the world that you can trust.
I know that with my girlfriend I can trust the following people:
- Four of my friends because gross. That'd be like trading in steak for Play Doh. Not even new Play Doh either, the kind of Play Doh that got mixed in with some other colors and now looks like something that came out of a newborn.
- My cousin because he's gay.
- One or two people because they are actually good people and wouldn't do that to a friend. (Note: I have yet to find these people.)
- Two or three of my other friends because they are either (annoyingly) in love and/or whipped enough to never even think about it. I think I'm in love. I can't even look at another girl anymore. She could be the one. S. T. F. U. Seriously, get bit by a Zebra.
- And Tyler because well.. you know. He's Tyler.
And that's it. Everyone else is untrustworthy. I'm not upset about it. This is how it is for everyone. Of all the people you know there are probably ten people that you can truly trust not to be secretly in love with, want to sleep with or try to steal your girlfriend. I'm alright with this. People can want to do this all they wish, but it doesn't mean they will. It's a part of everyday life, like crabs. There's ten you can trust, another ten that you know you can't under any circumstances and then everyone else either wants her and can't get her or doesn't matter. That's it. It's just how men are. We're from Venus or something.
The Miwaukee Brewers are men and they are no different. (This is the part of the post where I try to make this somehow Brewers related.) We learned in the past few weeks what former Packer (that's not named Mark Chmura (note who he hung out with in his time here *cough*how-didn't-we-see-this-coming*cough*)) you should keep as far as you can away from your wife or girlfriend, but what about the Brewers? We know that Alcides Escobar abandoned his wife and kid for another woman, but what about the rest of them? It's hard to know who to trust and who not to trust. They all seem so nice when they're taking batting practice! How could anyone of them be bad guys? But some of them have to be. Tiger Woods slept with a thousand women so that means most athletes aren't good people when it comes to other men's girlfriends. That's just science.
That's why I made a few guesses and completely made up this:
The 2010 Milwaukee Brewers Trust Index
+10 Craig Counsell
+9 Chris Capuano (Refrains from sex in fear of needing another Tommy John surgery.)
+8 Trevor Hoffman (Old balls.)
+7 Casey McGehee
+6 Corey Hart (Can't afford the child support caused by potential divorce.)
+5 Prince Fielder (Chanel won't let him out of the house long enough.)
+3 Todd Coffey (Clearly in the "HAHAHA YEAH RIGHT!" category.)
+2 LaTroy Hawkins
+1 Carlos Gomez (Probably strikes out as much with the ladies as he does at the plate. Hey-yo!)
0 Rickie Weeks (Scores a 0 ranking because I would probably let him sleep with my girlfriend if he stayed healthy for 2011 too.)
0 Randy Wolf (He seems happy with his lady.)
0 Kameron Loe (Big snake is all the company he needs.)
0 Dave Bush (He's got as much chance to steal someone's girlfriend as he does to get re-signed.)
-1 Chris Narveson
-2 Lorenzo Cain
-3 John Axford (Two words: Mustache Rides.)
-4 Doug Davis (Can't trust a guy with a goatee like that.)
-5 Carlos Villanueva (I trust him as much with my girlfriend as I trust him out of the bullpen.)
-6 Mat Gamel ("Hey girl I'm an up and coming hitter with moppy hair.")
-7 Ryan Braun (Or Why I Don't Go On Dates To Ryan Braun's Restaurant.)
-8 Alcides Escobar (-10 ranking only stopped by pock face.)
-9 George Kottaras (He may be Canadian, but he's way too good looking to rank any higher. I heard he stole three people's girlfriends just by coming up to bat last season.)
-10 Jeremy Jeffress (The ultimate girl's dream: young and rich with lots of good weed. That's what your mom likes, right?)
Am I right? Am I wrong? Does it really matter? They're baseball players, keep them away from your women!