The Colorado Rockies are coming to Miller Park tonight. The Rockies play in the West and we don't normally see them or here about them or even know they exist unless the Brewers are playing them. I know what you are thinking "What am I going to do? I know nothing about this team, but I want to heckle them!" But have no fear gentle fan, we got you covered.
Todd Helton! You're old!
Troy Tulo! I can't properly pronounce your last name!
Welcome to sea level!
Hey Ubaldo! Where's your hair?!
Dexter Fowler, pee yew you stink!
Alan Embree! You are even older than Helton! HA!
Hey Josh Fogg, the Phish concert isn't for two weeks!
When you watch the NBA draft: you know most of the names from following the college tournament. Unless, they are from a foreign country then you just pretend that you know whether you like or dislike the pick. (My advice is to always dislike it. Europeans are soft.) Towards the end of the first round you usually end up watching something else because the last few picks never end up mattering much. In the end you are excited to see how a guy turns out next year.
When you watch the NFL draft: you know most of the names because all ESPN does is talk about football 24 hours a day/7 days a week/365 days a year. I think the day after the Super Bowl last year they had a prediction show. You sit and watch the entire draft for 10-15 hours wondering where your life has gone. In the end you are excited to see how a guy turns out next year.
When you watch the NHL draft: lol nobody watches the NHL draft.
When you watch the MLB draft: you have pretty much no idea who anybody is and the announcers who are saying great pick or bad pick pretty much don't know either. You watch the first round until your team has picked or just leave it on in the background as you go online. In the end you are excited to see how a guy turns out in the next 2-5 years.
Let me get personal for a second here. I love, like love love ))<>(( love love <3 love myspace love, sexual innuendos. I love saying that'swhat she said. Besides my friend Emily I probably say it more than anyone I have ever met. I just love them. Whether they are actually meant in a sexual way, just meant to be funny or just plain stupid, I love them. So why not combine two loves? Why not list a few of my favorite Brewers related sexual innuendos? Why not list ONE HUNDRED FIFTY of them?
It's been a strange week in Miller Park Drunk land. A long baseball conversation with Al's Ramblings. More Happy Youngster jokes. All-Star lineups. Finding out that someone else is taking credit for Coffey's music. (That one hurt.) Calling out Mike Cameron on the untuck. It's been fun. Unfortunately, watching Brewers games lately hasn't been. These sorts of these things happen from time to time over a 162 game season. You win three straight, you lose 3 of 4, you win a few more. It's nothing to get excited about. How about that homerun Prince hit yesterday though? Could he have picked a deeper part of the ballpark? Crazy power there.
The Crew (this is how I like to say it, what's up with those people who say Blue Brew Crue? I mean, really?) begin a three game series against the Braves this weekend. The Braves have under gone a makeover this week releasing all-time Brave Tom Glavine, acquiring Nate McClouth and calling up pitcher Tommy Hanson. This isn't exactly the series you'd want come off losing three of four, but you take what you're given and like it in the Major Leagues. The MLB is like Oliver Twist that way.
Anyways, for those of you watching the games this weekend here's a few things to look out for and bet on with your friends.
15: FSN mentions of their Twitter page.
Speaking of Twitter, our friend and yours Tom Haudricourt is now on Twitter and occasionally posts.. things. Today he tweeted that rumors in Boston have them getting JJ Hardy. I think it's pretty ridiculous that someone with access to the general manager would post something like this. The Boston media thinks of the rest of the majors as their farm system, but fails to realize that a contending team wouldn't trade one of their keys guys in a pennant race. That's fine. What's not fine is the Milwaukee writer who doesn't even realize it. What an idiot.
3: Times Tommy Hanson is called a "phenom", "future star" or "whiz".
85: Times you hear the name "Nate McClouth". Trust me they are going to go on and on and on about this.
2: Times a Brewers leaves the game early. Seriously, it seems like this has been happening every game!
3: People who skip our grilling guide and still pour the gas over the metal. Bastards.
Alright, that's enough of that. We're going away for the weekend. Maybe take the boy to the zoo since the Brewers are out of town. Afterall, it's never too early to teach your son what monkeys having sex looks like.
A few weeks ago I went to the Brewers game with some friends from work. One of the girls I work with brought her boyfriend who brought his grill. My original thinking when I saw this was "sweet, now I can just drink and mess around while this dude cooks." However, after about five minutes I realized this dude had no idea what he was doing. It was a mess. Pouring the lighter fluid on the coals without removing the cooking surface, rearranging the coals once it was starting to go, covering the top completely. It was a mess and I just couldn't believe that someone wouldn't know this. It drove me nuts. So I guided him along and when everything was all said and done we all enjoyed some lighter fluid tasting burgers. Hooray.
Here's the thing, I don't want to do this again. It wasn't fun. I don't want to have to show people how to do these things. This is something that people of a certain age should know. I don't know how to clean a fish. It's embarassing, but it's true. It's embarassing because I should know how to do it. Before the next time I go fishing, I'm going to figure it out. I'm going to go on google and figure it out and then when I'm out there doing it wrong and my friend says something to me I can say "oh man, it's been awhile" and play it off. That's what this is for you, dude that doesn't know how to start a grill. Try to remember what you can and when you screw it up and someone says something to you, you can just go "oh man, first tailgate of the year" and everything will be all good.
First of all, if you don't know what you are doing buy the self-starting coals. A piece of paper, some matches and you're done.
TAKE THE GRILL PART OFF.
If you don't get those however, here's how you do it. Build your coals in a pyramid-esque shape, only flat at the top, Like an A without the ^.
Pour some lighter fluid if you want, but paper works a lot better. Not notebook paper, but like a paper bag that you get from the grocery store. This will get your coals going. Maybe a little lighter fluid, but don't overdo it. Try and remember that it is GAS and gas tastes like crap.
Once it gets going, don't mess with it. Leave it alone. Put the cover on, but only half way. Or leave the vent open on top if it's a windy day. Don't move them around, don't do anything. Just let them burn. Drink a beer.
They are ready when they all look ashy grey and they are warm. I feel ridiculous even writing this.
Coals last longer than you think they do, you don't need to add more. Here's how you know your coals aren't good anymore: they aren't there anymore. That's how you know you need to add more.
Dispose of them properly. Nobody thinks a dumpster fire is funny. It's really just annoying.
So, you got that? You can skip half of those and as long as you remember not to mess with them and take the grill part off, we're fine. Seriously.