02
Jun 09

Creative ways to use the Milwaukee Brewers new texting service

In case you haven't heard the Brewers have added a new service for fans to report people behaving badly. All you have to do is text them and they'll take care of it. I think this is a great service and would hate to see it abused by some fans. That's why we're here with...

YOUR GUIDE TO TEXTING THE MILWAUKEE BREWERS

  1. When texting the Brewers, please spell everything correctly. "drnk n 125 no sht on yllng" will get you nowhere.
  2. Don't use the texting service as a way to get in touch with Brewers players. "JJ: 36/24/36, call me 414xxxxxxx" will not be accepted.
  3. No lols. This one hurts me, but it's true. We can't have lols in texts. So "dude just punched out cub fan in rf lol!" isn't going to cut it. Sorry.
  4. No texting after 2AM. Nothing good ever happens after 2AM.
  5. If you see The Happy Youngster feel free to make something up about him and text it.

I'm pretty interested to see how this turns out. It could easily turn into a case of he said/she said and there are a lot of people out there who are simply too easily offended. The only thing I'll say about it for now is this: use it to your advantage, get The Happy Youngster thrown out of games.


01
Jun 09

Your 2009 MLB All-Star Lineups

as_08_800

Have you heard about the 2009 All Star game? The Brewers are basically in the top two of every single position. This is pretty exciting for Brewers fans and I was really curious to see how it was going to turn out. To find out I contacted a local mathematician* and had him crunch some numbers for me to figure out how this thing is going to end up. This is what he came up with.

American League

National League

C: Crash Davis
1B:
Richie Sexson
2B: Jarrod Washburn
3B: Who cares?
SS: Spencer's creepy flesh colored beard
OF:
Ichiro
OF:
Dave Navarro
OF: Terence Mann
C: Jason Kendall
1B: Albert Poo-holes lol
2B: Rickie Weeks
3B: Who cares?
SS: JJ Hardy
OF: Ryan Braun
OF: Mike Cameron
OF: Anyone but Gary Sheffield

*By local mathematician I mean a guy I met at a bar who wrote this on a napkin for me.


29
May 09

Tonight is what it means to be young

In some ways you could say that the Reds are the new Brewers. Young talent up and down the lineup. Exciting prospects, endless possibilities. The only difference is when the Brewers were young and upcoming they had a manager in Ned Yost whose sole job was to make them comfortable and make them into steady Major Leaguers by letting them work their way through trouble. The Reds? They are managed by Dusty Baker. Who has ruined a few pitchers career in his life and prefers players like Corey Patterson over unproven youngsters. Say what you will about Ned Yost, but I am happy we've never had a Dusty Baker-esque manager around these parts. We wouldn't be where we are without him. If you don't believe me just ask Mark Prior. Or Aaron Harang.

Should be a good series this weekend. All three pitching matchups are good. I was at both losses to the Cardinals and it wasn't very fun, but at the same time I did see a few signs of life and the day off had to have helped. I might go to the game tomorrow night, haven't decided yet, but if you do have a few for me and when you hear the Ultimate Warrior music during Todd Coffey's entrance have a few more. It's all we ask for really.

Next week should be fun as we're rolling out another cool new feature. Until then, I'm going to eat some mexican food and drink some beer. Have a good one.

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29
May 09

The Remetee is the experience

Say, have I ever told you how stupid I think Ryan Braun's shirt line is? I haven't? Oh man, I hate them. I think they are stupid. I would never wear one of those things! Why, only an idiot would want to wear one of those right? Right? Ummmm.... right?

Apparently not. Apparently these shirts are HIP. Remetee is probably the biggest thing to hit the scene since Kris Kross decided to wear their pants backwards (because inside out was wiggity wiggity wack). Celebrities and athletes of all shapes and sizes wear them. Everyone from American Idol runner up Adam Lambert to Jerry Rice wear them. WWE "wrestler" Gene Snitsky (who once killed a baby I believe) wears Remetee. Even musicians and producers like Sleepy Brown and System of a Down bassit Shavo wear them. These celebrities wear these shirts with pride and make them look good doing it. Remetee has arrived and celebrities love them. That being said, not every celebrity can make them look good. Some people maybe you shouldn't be photographing in these shirts if you want them to sell.

Like Carrie Prejean, the controversial Miss California, who gives the Remetee shirt the look of "hating gays".

Carrie Prejean

Do you want me to take this off now?

Or tennis pro Marat Safin who gives the shirt the "volleyball scene from Top Gun" look.

marat-safin

After the picture you'll introduce me to A-Rod?

Tom Green gives Remetee the "I dated Drew Barrymore once. No, really I did. I used to be somebody." look.

tom-green

My bum is on the shirt, bum is on the shirt. Get it? Because I had that one song?

None of these models are quite as offensive or say to the potential shirt buyer "STAY AWAY" as much as Yovanni Gallardo does.

yovanni gallardo

Am I doing it right, Ryan? Do I look cool?

No, Yovanni. A million times no.

If you are interested in buying a Remetee shirt all you have to do is go to another site because Miller Park Drunk does not support anyone wearing these.

(Thanks to Rachel for the tip.)


28
May 09

Make way for the Prince

We now take a break from gloating about SINGLE HANDEDLY changing Todd Coffey's entrance music to talk about Prince Fielder.

Prince Fielder is either the best or the second best player on the Brewers. Period.

No matter how you measure it he is more valuable than anyone on the team not named Ryan Braun. Yet, I think of all the Brewers he gets the least amount of respect and it doesn't make a lick of sense to me. Consider this: if Prince Fielder hits 20 more home runs this year and then 30 home runs next year (which is a HUGELY conservative estimate) he would be #6 on the Brewers all time list. Two more and he's tied for fifth, he even has an outside chance of tying Cecil Cooper for 4th (he'd have to average 43.5). He is basically GUARANTEEED to have the sixth most home runs in Brewers history. That's crazy. He's currently second to Ryan Braun (who else?) for 2nd best OPS in team history and he's right there with Sexson and Braun in At bats per home run. He's hit more home runs in a season than any Brewer ever has. Basically, Prince Fielder is one of the greatest power hitters Brewers fans have ever seen. So where's the love?

Now, I'm not saying that he's not liked. He is liked, I just think that his contributions aren't as appreciated as they should be. He's always expected to do more, play better defense, hit more home runs, everything. Whenever people talk about trading someone to improve the pitching (which is so horrible that it ranks 6th in the National League) Prince is the first person brought up (in the interest of fairness, these people are idiots). I'm here to tell you that getting rid of Prince Fielder is the equivalent of throwing in the towel. This team does not make the playoffs without him. The team is lucky to finish .500 without him. Furthermore as fans of the team, we should want to hang onto Prince for as long as possible. We are witnessing a GREAT power hitter that most teams aren't as lucky to see come through their system. I just don't get it. Why doesn't Prince get the adulation he deserves?

Possible reasons:Prince Fielder

  • Crappy at-bat music (see above)
  • Despite terrible at-bat music, it's still better than fan favorite Corey Hart's
  • Decided to become a vegetarian after reading a book called Skinny Bitch
  • Weight issues remind fans too much of their own
  • Manny Parra fans still upset Prince nearly killed him
  • #28 reminds fans of the film 28 Days Later bringing up unresolved zombie issues
  • Not Ryan Braun

If Prince was on a lot of other teams he would undoubtedly be that team's best player, but since the Brewers have Ryan Braun he's the second banana. It's not fair, it's just the way it is. Prince is still amongst the top 30-40 players in Major League Baseball, unfortunately for him his teammate is in the top 10-15.

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