Because the Brewers are on the road and we want some stadium food...
There's this Cubs fan, right? And his dad died (sad). His dad was a Cubs fan which means that his dad died without ever seeing his team win a playoff game World Series. While this guy is burying his dad he thinks to himself "Man, this cemetery is depressing, there's got to be some way to lighten this thing up." Does he start drinking like a normal human being? No. Laugh with old friends? No. Share stories? No. Bang a random girl in a mausoleum? No.
He decides that the best way to lighten up the old cemetery is to make it look more like Wrigley Field.
"The goal was to try and take away some of the gloominess and depression from a cemetery visit,"
Seriously, because his dad doesn't have enough bad memories of the place he wants to be dead there too. Because as a Cubs fan the only thing I love better than thinking about my dead dad is how much my team chokes every year. Because when I think of my parents being dead, I also want to think of Steve Bartman. Yeah, great idea guy. Here's another great idea: Wrigley Field divorce certificates because when I want to think about my wife leaving me I also want to think about how my team hasn't won a playoff game in two years.
Read the whole thing for a good laugh. I love the part where he says this has nothing to do with the economy, that just floors me for some reason.
With Jeff Suppan throwing 6 innings and giving up only 2 runs on 8 hits and a walk and Chien-Ming Wang giving up 8 runs in 1.1 IP, Jeff Suppan is no longer the worst pitcher in baseball. When reached for quote Jeff Suppan said “I’m a human being. Nobody feels worse than I do when I pitch horribly,” he went on to say that nothing makes him feel better than when another pitcher, in this case Wang, manages to pitch worse. When asked if he knew if Wang would pitch that horribly, thus supplanting him as the worst starting pitcher in baseball Suppan said "That was one of my plans."
Wang was unable to be reached for a quote.
The more I think about that guy, the more pissed off I am. Like, really pissed off. He's making me, as a Brewers fan, look bad. He's making this site look bad because like it or not this is the home for drunken Brewers fans, even the douche-y ones. (It goes like this: drunk fans/Miller Park Drunk, smart sabermetric inclined fans/Brew Crew Ball, older Republican fans/Al's Ramblings, Mentally challenged fans/JSOnline.) Make no mistake about it, this guy is one of the douche-y ones. He might be in the Brewers fan Hall of Douche next to Favre jersey guy. Listen, I am all for a good prank. I am all for fucking with Cubs fans. The thing is I am more the kind of guys who says "Hey, Cubs fan. They are giving away free Captain Morgan in section 227" and watching them run like someone threw apples at Forrest Gump. In fact, "my balls" and "other people" has never really been something I was interested in. I hate the flying squirrel, the goat, the bat wing, all of that. It's just not my style and while this dude's friends may have thought it was funny at the time, I can guaran-damn-tee you that about 15 seconds later they realized there was nowhere for their buddy to wash his hands. Then about 2 minutes after that they forgot all about his lack of hand washing and went back to giving him high fives. So, now this dbag is not only spreading his ball sweat amongst Cubs fans he is spreading it among his friends who are then spreading it throughout the stadium as they give high fives to strangers after a Corey Hart home run. Basically, I was at Opening Day and touched this guy's balls. The guy is wearing an old school jersey with a new logo hat, he obviously doesn't have the presence of mind to wash his freaking hands. Do I look like I want to touch his balls? In the original post I was less concerned with showing the video than letting my readers know that this idiot was not me. Clearly, I want nothing to do with the guy's balls.
The thing is, Cubs fan have enough problems at Miller Park. They have to wait in short lines to go to the bathroom, they can't chant "____ field sucks" at eachother, they can actually park at the stadium, it's harder to hit and/or molest girls in the bleachers, they can't drink Old Style and perhaps worst of all, most of their seats aren't obstructed. They don't need someone giving them a ball sweat handshake. More importantly, neither do we.
My love for Rickie Weeks is well documented here on this site and I even made an update after Opening Day that I was wearing my Rickie Weeks jersey with pride. That being said, this person is not me. I am not the kind of guy who rubs his crotch and then shakes hands with Cubs fans. You could get some serious germs from shaking hands with those guys.
Other signs it's not me:
- Mixed old and new logo!
- I don't own a pair of jeans.
- Come on, seriously.