Dear Journal Sentinel Anthony Witrado is a douchebag and you should probably fire him

by Vince Morales on August 6th, 2009

Hey. Journal Sentinel, what's up? It's your boy, Miller Park Drunk. How's it going? Yeah, that whole death of print thing really sucks. Oh, that's funny!

Listen, let's get down to business here. I am here to talk serious business. I am here to talk about the sports section of your paper. You have this guy writing for the Brewers who is absolutely terrible. I am not kidding. He sucks. He blows. He is quite possibly the worst beat writer in the entire MLB. Did you know there are teams in Baltimore and Oakland? There is! And these teams that are located in WAR ZONES have better beat writers than Anthony Witrado. There's something wrong with this picture right? I know we've been through this before. I know that we (and everyone else that cares about the Brewers) have said this before, but this time it's serious. Anthony Witrado should be fired. Read the rest of this entry »

You wanna act like a bitch? Prince Fielder gonna slap you like one

by Vince Morales on August 5th, 2009

angryprincefielder

You think this is a game? You think this is a f@*&in game!? You oughta know better Guillermo. You were there, you were there when I punked out Manny Parra. What makes you think you'd be different? What makes you think you're special? I F@*&IN HATE MY DAD! How dare that reporter say that sh*t! You can make all your jokes about me being a vegetarian and not eating meat, but make no f@*&in mistake about it I will ruin you. I. Will. Ruin. You, Guillermo. You ain't nothin' to me. I eat pieces of sh*t like you for breakfast. I mean, what the f@*& am I supposed to do? I'm having the best motherf@*&in' season of my career and Braden Looper has seen as many homeruns as me! What am I supposed to do? We're under .500 despite having me and Braun killin' this sh*t. What is Prince supposed to do? I'm just supposed to sit here and let some punk from last year hit me? You want me to go up to Canada and play some bar league s0ftball so Eric Gagne can hit me too? Is that what this is all about? Punks from last season thinkin' they hard? Man, motherf@*& y'all.

Brewers happy to finally face Dodgers

by Vince Morales on August 3rd, 2009

sadbrewersfanLOS ANGELES -- The Milwaukee Brewers are glad to finally make it to Los Angeles and face the Dodgers who currently have the best record in all of baseball. The Brewers are 52-53 and four and half games out of the National League Central division race.

"I'm from here and I own a house here so it's always good for me to come back to LA, but I think this time it's good for the rest of the team as well. We're all looking forward to it" said star slugger Ryan Braun.

"The past few weeks have just been impossible. The Reds, then the Pirates, then the Nationals and then we had to come to San Diego for the Padres. It's like 'hello, Bud Selig you're a Brewers fan. Stop stacking the deck against us already'" Manager Ken Macha went on to say "I'm just happy to be here in Los Angeles to play the Dodgers. Have you seen their lineup? Against our pitching? Hopefully this will end our illusions about the playoffs once and for all. I just want to get back to Pennsylvania before the cold sets in."

Currently CoolStandings gives the Brewers a 7.6% chance of making the playoffs and with an easy August schedule followed by 13 games against the two teams currently ahead of them in the standings, many Brewers fans thought they still had a chance this season. Not so says current starter Braden Looper. "It is what it is. Anytime you put someone like me who has given up more home runs than Ryan Braun has hit against the Dodgers, it's not going to end well. I've made peace with this. I've been reading a lot of Joel Osteen books lately."

However, not every Brewer is negative about the teams chances. Non-Pujols MVP Prince Fielder said he likes the teams chances between bites of a Kripy Kreme and Tofu salad, "It's never over til it's over. You always have a chance until you don't. That's when it's over. Hey, can you hand me that stick of butter? Works great as a salad dressing." Legendary closer Trevor Hoffman offered perhaps the brightest outlook, "I was on the Padres last season and we only won 63 games. It doesn't get much worse than that. I'm just happy to be in a somewhat winning situation."

The Brewers and Dodgers kick off their series Monday at 9:10 PM Central.

Guide to hangovers

by Vince Morales on July 31st, 2009

hangoverYesterday we didn't write anything for the site. Why? We went to the game on Wednesday. I started to go through my archives and realized that for every Wednesday game I have gone to this season Thursday has suffered. I don't think that I need to spell it out for you why this happens. It's just the way it is. You can't start pre-gaming at 5 in the afternoon, watch a three hour baseball game and then stay out until bar time without some effects. For us it's not doing a whole lot of writing on Thursdays. I'll take it. The thing is this goes on a lot. It's not just a clever name. We've been down this road many, many times before. So why not give a little bit back? Why not share our vast knowledge? Why not create...(wait for it)..

Miller Park Drunk's Guide To Hangovers

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The only living boy at Miller Park

by Vince Morales on July 29th, 2009

CleanseGirlAfter yesterday's post and subsequent loss to the Nationals, I got to thinking about tonight's game. You see, I have tickets to tonight's game. The last game I went to was July 8th against the Cardinals. An excellent win featuring a Gamel homerun and a little Trevor Time. Good times were had by all. Since then I've been watching the games on television and it hasn't been a real pleasant experience to the point where I have seriously considered getting rid of tonight's tickets and going to karaoke or something. Right now I just feel as if going to Miller Park isn't the best way to spend my free time and money. I don't want to go to Miller Park and I don't want to watch the Brewers. Which is exactly why I have to go.

You see the more I thought about it the more I was reminded of this scene from the movie Garden State. (First commenter to make a "Do you know how I know you're gay" joke wins.)

In this scene the dude just lets go. It's raining, he's in some dirty quarry and he just says "you know what? F it. I'm having a good time." and that's exactly what I need to do tonight. I need to put whatever got me to this point behind me and just have a good time. It's like this, have you ever quit drinking for awhile? Whether it's because you had a real bad night or your girlfriend threatened you or you have court coming up or whatever, you decide to take it easy for awhile. But then that totally sucks and you are in a crabby mood so you eventually break down and start drinking again. Aren't you that much happier? Don't you feel like 100 times better after? That's what this game is like for me and considering the fact that I may have just described a symptom of alcoholism I feel pretty good about it.

Watching the Brewers suck on TV is terrible. Watching the Brewers suck live is slightly more palpable. Everything is always better at Miller Park. That's why tonight I am going to be living up to the title of this website. The Brewers sucking is what ails me and the only medicine is Miller Park. Like Prince made Applonia purify herself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka in Purple Rain, I have to purify myself in the beers of Miller Park. It's the only way we can get out of this in one piece.

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