You wanna act like a bitch? Prince Fielder gonna slap you like one

by Vince Morales on August 5th, 2009

angryprincefielder

You think this is a game? You think this is a f@*&in game!? You oughta know better Guillermo. You were there, you were there when I punked out Manny Parra. What makes you think you'd be different? What makes you think you're special? I F@*&IN HATE MY DAD! How dare that reporter say that sh*t! You can make all your jokes about me being a vegetarian and not eating meat, but make no f@*&in mistake about it I will ruin you. I. Will. Ruin. You, Guillermo. You ain't nothin' to me. I eat pieces of sh*t like you for breakfast. I mean, what the f@*& am I supposed to do? I'm having the best motherf@*&in' season of my career and Braden Looper has seen as many homeruns as me! What am I supposed to do? We're under .500 despite having me and Braun killin' this sh*t. What is Prince supposed to do? I'm just supposed to sit here and let some punk from last year hit me? You want me to go up to Canada and play some bar league s0ftball so Eric Gagne can hit me too? Is that what this is all about? Punks from last season thinkin' they hard? Man, motherf@*& y'all.

Brewers happy to finally face Dodgers

by Vince Morales on August 3rd, 2009

sadbrewersfanLOS ANGELES -- The Milwaukee Brewers are glad to finally make it to Los Angeles and face the Dodgers who currently have the best record in all of baseball. The Brewers are 52-53 and four and half games out of the National League Central division race.

"I'm from here and I own a house here so it's always good for me to come back to LA, but I think this time it's good for the rest of the team as well. We're all looking forward to it" said star slugger Ryan Braun.

"The past few weeks have just been impossible. The Reds, then the Pirates, then the Nationals and then we had to come to San Diego for the Padres. It's like 'hello, Bud Selig you're a Brewers fan. Stop stacking the deck against us already'" Manager Ken Macha went on to say "I'm just happy to be here in Los Angeles to play the Dodgers. Have you seen their lineup? Against our pitching? Hopefully this will end our illusions about the playoffs once and for all. I just want to get back to Pennsylvania before the cold sets in."

Currently CoolStandings gives the Brewers a 7.6% chance of making the playoffs and with an easy August schedule followed by 13 games against the two teams currently ahead of them in the standings, many Brewers fans thought they still had a chance this season. Not so says current starter Braden Looper. "It is what it is. Anytime you put someone like me who has given up more home runs than Ryan Braun has hit against the Dodgers, it's not going to end well. I've made peace with this. I've been reading a lot of Joel Osteen books lately."

However, not every Brewer is negative about the teams chances. Non-Pujols MVP Prince Fielder said he likes the teams chances between bites of a Kripy Kreme and Tofu salad, "It's never over til it's over. You always have a chance until you don't. That's when it's over. Hey, can you hand me that stick of butter? Works great as a salad dressing." Legendary closer Trevor Hoffman offered perhaps the brightest outlook, "I was on the Padres last season and we only won 63 games. It doesn't get much worse than that. I'm just happy to be in a somewhat winning situation."

The Brewers and Dodgers kick off their series Monday at 9:10 PM Central.

Guide to hangovers

by Vince Morales on July 31st, 2009

hangoverYesterday we didn't write anything for the site. Why? We went to the game on Wednesday. I started to go through my archives and realized that for every Wednesday game I have gone to this season Thursday has suffered. I don't think that I need to spell it out for you why this happens. It's just the way it is. You can't start pre-gaming at 5 in the afternoon, watch a three hour baseball game and then stay out until bar time without some effects. For us it's not doing a whole lot of writing on Thursdays. I'll take it. The thing is this goes on a lot. It's not just a clever name. We've been down this road many, many times before. So why not give a little bit back? Why not share our vast knowledge? Why not create...(wait for it)..

Miller Park Drunk's Guide To Hangovers

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The only living boy at Miller Park

by Vince Morales on July 29th, 2009

CleanseGirlAfter yesterday's post and subsequent loss to the Nationals, I got to thinking about tonight's game. You see, I have tickets to tonight's game. The last game I went to was July 8th against the Cardinals. An excellent win featuring a Gamel homerun and a little Trevor Time. Good times were had by all. Since then I've been watching the games on television and it hasn't been a real pleasant experience to the point where I have seriously considered getting rid of tonight's tickets and going to karaoke or something. Right now I just feel as if going to Miller Park isn't the best way to spend my free time and money. I don't want to go to Miller Park and I don't want to watch the Brewers. Which is exactly why I have to go.

You see the more I thought about it the more I was reminded of this scene from the movie Garden State. (First commenter to make a "Do you know how I know you're gay" joke wins.)

In this scene the dude just lets go. It's raining, he's in some dirty quarry and he just says "you know what? F it. I'm having a good time." and that's exactly what I need to do tonight. I need to put whatever got me to this point behind me and just have a good time. It's like this, have you ever quit drinking for awhile? Whether it's because you had a real bad night or your girlfriend threatened you or you have court coming up or whatever, you decide to take it easy for awhile. But then that totally sucks and you are in a crabby mood so you eventually break down and start drinking again. Aren't you that much happier? Don't you feel like 100 times better after? That's what this game is like for me and considering the fact that I may have just described a symptom of alcoholism I feel pretty good about it.

Watching the Brewers suck on TV is terrible. Watching the Brewers suck live is slightly more palpable. Everything is always better at Miller Park. That's why tonight I am going to be living up to the title of this website. The Brewers sucking is what ails me and the only medicine is Miller Park. Like Prince made Applonia purify herself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka in Purple Rain, I have to purify myself in the beers of Miller Park. It's the only way we can get out of this in one piece.

Sitting Waiting Wishing: The Zen of Miller Park Drunk

by Vince Morales on July 28th, 2009

zenchaThe Brewers should win today. We're playing the Pirates.

The Brewers should turn it around today.

The Brewers are going to make a move to get better.

The Brewers should win today. We're playing the Nationals.

The Brewers should be making a trade today.

And so on. It's starting to feel like all I do is wait on the Brewers. Since the All-Star break they are 4-7 despite playing only one team with a winning record. They are below .500 and four games behind the Cubs. The Cubs, people. I'm just about as easygoing when it comes to this team as a person can be. Suppan gives up 5 runs against the Pirates in 3.1 innings? That's okay, we'll score seven. I know it. Then we do and then we lose. Dave Bush isn't coming back? That's okay we'll go out and make a trade. Only we don't. We're 4-6 since the All-Star break and at .500? That's okay, the Nationals are coming to town. Then Josh Willingham hits two grand slams. And honestly, I got a bit shook for a moment. I actually said things like "if they don't win this game, it's over". I started to go through my tickets and tried to figure out if I could break even selling the rest of them. I was on the verge of giving up IN JULY which is so ridiculous and unlike me that I had to sit myself down and tell myself to relax. Then I gave myself two Ambien and called myself in the morning.

Look, I don't know what the team should do. Well, actually I do. They should put together a winning streak. Stay close. Win the next 5 games against the Nationals and Padres (or at least 4 of them). The August schedule is ridiculously easy. After the Dodgers, the best team they play is the Astros (despite the better record their run differential is terrible). Other than that it's the Pirates, Padres, Nationals and Reds. This is the time. Win these games. Then find out what you're made of in September when they play 13 games against the Cubs and Cardinals. That's when we'll know if this team can do it, but to get to that point they have to beat these easier teams. Stop making the Nationals and Pirates look like the Yankees and Red Sox. They have to have a good August. It's not over yet, despite what the record or the numbers might tell you. Looking at the schedule the Brewers should be favored in 27 of the next 30 games so anyone who says the Brewers should be sellers at the deadline clearly doesn't know how to read a schedule.

So I am not going to freak out. I am not going to say that the team needs to make a trade or get rid of this guy or that guy. I am not going to call for anyone's head. I am just going to continue to sit and wait and wish and things should even out so that they're ready to do something when September rolls around. That's when things matter and that's my advice to you dear fan. Relax. We still got a long way to go and the road to get there is pretty smooth all through August. Now if you'll excuse me I am going to drink a six pack and do some yoga.

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